To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

Oranek.

The studies claiming various issues with vasectomy - many of them have been debunked or relate to older no longer used techniques.

The risks are STILL lower than those ACCEPTED by women relating to THEIR problems with contraception, Conception, pregnancy and birth AND the effects are generally involving a lesser level of pain and inconvenience.

I had a vasectomy, I had the bad outcomes.

I don't buy the good/bad/weak/strong narrative that aims to gate-keep against men's values and behaviours much anymore due to that.

All the sources for chronic pain outcomes I referenced are linked to the current live guidelines.

Mumsnet is very pro vasectomy. If the OP's husband and others get the risks data there is not much point arguing further against the usual 'top trumps' of pain brick wall here. Night night all.

Of course we're pro vasectomy.

This is a women's site, populated by intelligent, educated, opinionated women. Not all of us particularly nice, all of the time!

Of course we're pro vasectomy - because we don't just lie down and accept 100% of the contraception load. 100% of the risk.

It's completely unfair to expect anyone to do that.

And on this site, we'll freely tell you that.

You're naive to expect anything else.

Good night.

Cuntess - they are YOUR views.I would not want to put dh through surgery with the risk of painful complications if there was a less invasive route for one of us

Yes, they very much are my views - I was responding to Oranek/oranek's point that Mumsnet (as a whole) is pro vasectomy.

Because generally speaking, it is, for the reasons I gave. Informed women, who expect equality.

Of course, there are always outliers, who wouldn't dream of actually expecting anything from their partners.

Go on then oranek exactly what problems have you had as a result of your vasectomy? Because I'll lay odds that I and many many other women have had WORSE pain, illness, suffering, damage to their bodies over longer periods of time due to the outdated misogynistic view that still pervades our society that because it is women that end up pregnant it's women have to suffer the effects of contraception!

Men would not AND do not tolerate letv alone accept the risks, effects and damage of either hormones or invasive treatments that have HIGHER Risks than vasectomy even comes close to! Proven by the UTTERLY PATHETIC situation that arose with the male pill tests!

Even though IT TAKES TWO to conceive!

To put it bluntly as said by myself and others upthread

WHERE HAVE THE REAL MEN GONE?

My friend's life has been devastated by vasectomy.

If anyone thinks the only options for women are repeated childbirth, hormonal contraception or surgery they lack imagination.

My friend's life has been devastated by vasectomy.
Many women's lives have been devastated by both contraceptives and reproduction.
If anyone thinks the only options for women are repeated childbirth, hormonal contraception or surgery they lack imagination.
The most effective, and least intrusive permanent option for a couple where the man is the one against ever having another baby and the woman isn't, (and the woman has borne the painful responsibility of contraceptives throughout the relationship,) is vasectomy.
If the man doesn't want another baby, it's his job to prevent that happening, by making sure his sperm doesn't get into the woman's body.

@tiredgirly
*Cuntess - they are YOUR views.I would not want to put dh through surgery with the risk of painful complications if there was a less invasive route for one of us"
But there isn't a less invasive route that offers the same protection against an unwanted pregnancy is there? OP may well want a third baby but we know her partner doesn't, so any baby that comes along would be unwanted by one of its parents. This could have a horrendous impact not only on the child but also OP's relationship and the existing family unit. Do you not care about this risk?

Condoms and MAP are not as effective a form of contraception as a vasectomy. OP's partner absolutely doesn't want another child. Having another child would enjoy incredibly invasive for the OP and she too would risk long term complications.

Objectively if you looked at the balance of risks to everyone involved here (both already alive and potential life) then I honestly think the vasectomy is a very good alternative.

If the man doesn't want another baby, it's his job to prevent that happening

Nonsense.

It is the responsibility of the couple.

I have been sexually active ( and presumably fertile for 38 years)

Apart from a 5 year stint of being on the pill in my 20s, and 4 years of being pregnant/trying to conceive I have somehow managed to avoid pregnancy for all of that time without hormones or vasectomy.

It's really not that difficult to do in Western society.

Im so torn. Sometimes I feel like I’m completely right to expect him to do this and then I come and read some opposing views on here and I start doubting myself.

Yes I risked my health during pregnancy and Labour (well, the CS) but I was prepared to do it because the outcome was so worth the risk and I guess that’s what it comes down to.

What outcome is so worth it they justifies, in my husband’s eyes, the risks of having a vasectomy?

Yes it will rule out all chances of pregnancy but a combination of condoms and tracking my cycles must be a very successful method of contraception too?

Mind you, I’m still breast feeding our 14 month old so my hormones and periods are all over the place so I certainly wouldn’t rely on any form of tracking at this point anyway.

I’ve been quite lucky in my choices of contraception and even I have suffered awfully.

I was on the mini pill for two or three years and I found it affected me terribly in terms of my mental health. I had a terrible rage all the time and I had no interest in sex. It nearly ended my relationship tbh.

I’ve now got a copper coil. I really like it but it was VERY painful getting it put in and I get terrible blood loss every month during my period and have ended up aneamic. I couldn’t sleep last night due to my cramps. However, even though this is the best contraception choice for me, it is not without pain and other downsides.

I suppose I’m just reiterating what previous PPs have said - you can’t shoulder all of the contraceptive burden. He needs to understand this. It sounds like he doesn’t still by his description of the MAP as just a tablet.

My friends husband has been left permanently disabled due to his vasectomy.
His wife was 42 when he had it - so at the end of her fertile years anyway, such an unnecessary procedure.

I have found contraception easy.
Mostly no pill, no hormones, no coil.

you can’t shoulder all of the contraceptive burden.

Why not?

There are more choices for women than men.

All men have is condoms, abstinence, vasectomy.

Woman have many more choices.

Orenek, I am sorry to hear that you have suffered a painful vasectomy, every procedure does carry some risk and you are living proof that a vasectomy is not risk free. However that is not an acceptable reason to say no man ever should go through with it. Despite the risks it remains a very valid option for a couple or indeed single man who has decided not to father any more children.

My dd is also living proof that condoms can split and MAP can fail, I have lasting, ongoing pain as a result of that pregnancy, it doesn't mean I sit here telling every woman not to get pregnant and there is a much higher risk of long term complications related to pregnancy than vasectomy.

OP I think you have taken a sensible approach so far, but I would find it hard to hold respect for a man who was prepared to expect me to carry all of the contraption risks and responsibility to save him any discomfort at all. I am not saying that I would demand a vasectomy either, but he has to take his share of the burden whatever you both decide going forwards.

Because she doesn’t want to. The OP has already acknowledged that she can’t force her husband to do anything and it works both ways.

If the OP’s DH doesn’t want any more children then he needs to do something about that. Not expect the OP to deal with the consequences (MAP/abortion) should things go wrong when she has already said she doesn’t want to go down that route.

Nonsense.
It is the responsibility of the couple.

Why, speakout? It's the DH who is adamant that he doesn't want anymore children, thus making the decision for both of them, as obviously OP has to accept and respect his choice.
But then he doesn't want to take on the responsibility of preventing the pregnancy only he is totally against??
He instead puts the OP in an untenable lose/lose situation wherein she gets to fear every time they have penetrative sex that a.) the condom might break, and she may have to get the MAP (which is not fun as I myself know, and may not even work,) or b.) something may go wrong that they aren't aware of at the time and she gets pregnant, and then the DH will hope that she gets an abortion (whether he pressures her or not,) and she either will feel pressured into one, or will have a baby that her DH may resent her for.
Given all the factors, including the low risks in a vasectomy, the fact that he's the one who doesn't want another baby, the fact that all the most effective female contraceptives are off the table for OP, and the fact that she has been through pain and suffering enough already, a decent man who's really thought about all these factors would get the snip.

Well this morning he has admitted he doesn’t know enough about it to say for definite he won’t get it done. One of his good friends who is four years younger than my husband has had the procedure so my husband has said he will speak to him about it to see what his experience has been.

I guess it’s a step in the right direction....

It definitely is, Queen! I think if he's a good bloke, then after he's looked into it and mulled it over, and had a think about all the factors, then he'll decide to either take on the responsibility himself with the snip, or genuinely accept the risk of another baby without resentment. Best of luck!

That's good Queen!

While it would be unreasonable to pressure him into an operation, it's most certainly not unreasonable to ask him to do some research and make an informed decision, especially with the alternative impacts on you.

Hi op
My dh and I were in this position after having our 2 dc with neither of us wanting more kids and me not wanting to deal with contraception any more - and neither of us liking condoms. We had one instance of me having to take the map and then my th was so cross with himself he booked himself straight in for a vasectomy. Bit tender for 2 days but otherwise no probs. I begged him to look into it before he went but he didn't want to know about potential complications. Luckily it was fine. Some of my friends say I'm 'lucky' and I point out that it's a breeze for most men compared to most child birth experiences! I am proud of him though. Hopefully he is of me too for having our 2 kids! In the end it was his decision. Sounds like your husband may come around to it.

I have found contraception easy.
Mostly no pill, no hormones, no coil

That's nice dear. I'm sure the OP who's struggled with the forms she's used will be thrilled for you, and find it a really relevant piece of information.

My friends husband has been left permanently disabled due to his vasectomy.

That's an absolutely tragedy, but quite honestly, so what?

This thread is littered with women who's partners have got through the procedure incident-free. We've even had a couple of men pop on to say the same.

It's an outpatient procedure, with most men back at work the next day.

I have friends who have been left with long term health issue due to childbirth. I know of women who have died during childbirth.

With total respect to those women - so what?

This thread is about this couple.