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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 20:35
Confused

But he's said he categorically does not want any more children.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 20:36

The hint's in the thread title ^^

LeftRightCentre · 20/10/2018 20:38

God forbid a person not sprog off with any partner when they already have 2 children Hmm. What a hardship!

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2018 20:38

MaryDollNesbitt

Best post ever.

Read it again, OP.

Rainbunny · 20/10/2018 20:39

It's actually pretty straightforward, you cannot force him to have a vasectomy anymore than he can force to to take the MAP or have a termination. I would just make it very clear that if he wants to have sex then condoms will have to be the method of contraception and since there's a chance they might fail and you could potentially get pregnant and in that situation you would keep the baby, so he needs to know that might be the outcome. It's up to him how he proceeds.

LeftRightCentre · 20/10/2018 20:40

It's complicated when one party says they don't want any more children, ever, but they won't take steps to make so and expect you to have a medical procedure on your body that you don't want if their method of contraception, which is known not to be permanent, fails. Duh.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 20:41

Rainbunny - you're ignoring the fact that the OP doesn't want to have sex with him. It's not even about whether Lord of the Manor wants sex. What about the OP?

Graphista · 20/10/2018 20:47

"10-15% of users of Mirena experience negative side effects, but when men experienced the same with the male pill, the trial was pulled. Says it all, really." Plus I'd say that the 10-15% is conservative! Not only because women are socialised "not to kick up a fuss" but because IME Drs are quite bad at acknowledging/accepting what women tell them about such problems and don't record/report accurately.

Whereas men will complain about all problems and (and this has been proven in numerous studies) are taken more seriously by Drs.

Helena & leftrightcentre - repeatedly on threads where mens sexist/selfish behaviour is brought into question its YOUNGER men. My dad early 70's had his vasectomy late 1970's, I don't know what the situation was we my grandparents and contraception. All catholic so possibly "natural' methods and they did have large families. But in other respects they behaved better than many of the younger generations of men.

While its claimed things were worse in the past I'm not sure that was always the case.

Most men who were the breadwinners wouldn't even have CONSIDERED not financially supporting their families - yet I repeatedly see threads where men are letting THEIR kids go without.

Yea there was a division of labour where certain jobs were seen as "women's work" but there was ALSO "men's work" which meant that men did things like DIY, decorating, house car and garden maintenance, anything involving heavy lifting, or heights, or anything perceived as "dangerous", pet care AND they were mostly respectful in terms of not leaving a mess or expecting eg their wife to pick up their clothes from the floor or put their rubbish in the bin and I remember ALL 3 men thanking their wives every night for their evening meal. Yet there are supposedly "modern" men described on here who are seemingly incapable of placing a shirt in a laundry hamper or saying thank you for a cuppa they've been made! It's shameful! And not actually the progress it's sometimes claimed to be!

Rosered you clearly haven't properly read the thread, at least do the op the courtesy of reading her posts. And if you have read then you are wilfully ignoring the MANY good arguments as to why OP's dh's position is unacceptable.

Rosered1235 · 20/10/2018 20:56

I do not need to read the whole thread to know that it is completely unreasonable for the OP to demand that her husband gets sterilised just because he has said that he doesn’t want to try for another baby. If he is happy to just use condoms (and therefore accepts the risk of failure) then fine. Equally he cannot force the OP to take contraception, have a termination or get sterilised. Switch it round - what would you say if the OP said she didn’t want to try for another baby and the husband, who does want another, demanded that she get sterilised or else he’d never have sex with her again? The OP is being unreasonable and I suspect throwing her toys out of the pram because her husband has said he doesn’t want to try for another baby.

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 20:57

@Rainbunny it's up to him how he proceeds? Are you serious? So if he chose not to be responsible OP waves goodbye to her sex life?

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 20:58

@Rosered1235 you actually do need to read the full thread, because you're talking shite!

HelenaDove · 20/10/2018 20:59

YY @Graphista Totally agree.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 21:04

@Rosered1235 - you, and your opinion, have no credibility if you haven't actually engaged with the thread.

I suspect you're shackled to a vasectomy-dodger, and don't actually give a shit about the OP's situation. You just feel obliged to defend sub-standard men.

Rainbunny · 20/10/2018 21:08

TheDowagerCuntess - sorry I haven't read OP updates. Well if she doesn't want to have sex with him that's another issue. Of course if she doesn't want have to have sex with him she shouldn't. Unless both partners are happy with a sexless relationship it rarely works out in the long run when one partner (for whatever reason) does not want to have sex anymore. Sad but a fact of life.

sonandhelpneeded - I thought my statement was clear, if she wants to have sex with him she should tell him her terms, which from the original post I understood that she was okay with condoms and would not take the MAP or have a termination, so the risk of using condoms is that they might fail and she might become pregnant, again she expressed that she wants more children.

You simply cannot demand that someone permanently sterilises themselves.

Mishappening · 20/10/2018 21:09

I would just keep your knees crossed if I were you.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 21:10

You simply cannot demand that someone permanently sterilises themselves.

No you can't. But you can certainly judge them as being weak and sub-standard.

Decent men offer to do this, of their own free will.

Moussemoose · 20/10/2018 21:17

You can't demand they do something but you can certainly refuse to have sex with them.

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 21:26

@Mishappening well what about if the OP enjoys sex and misses it? How does keeping her knees crossed help that?

You do know that sexist is not just enjoyable for men don't you?

In fact when OP was taking responsibility for contraception they seemed to have a great sex life with spontaneous quickies and sex, OPs DH is ruining that for OP!

amicissimma · 20/10/2018 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bershetmelon · 20/10/2018 21:27

Sorry op but your 'd'h is in a world of his own. Doesn't want a vasectomy because 'it might hurt' but then has the audacity to say that you MUST have a termination if you fall pregnant. I can't believe how many women are sticking up for him.

It's unfair for the op to expect him to have an operation he doesn't want but he can expect it of her. It takes 2 people to make a baby if he doesn't want one then he has full control of where he puts his penis and I suggest he keeps it out of his wife's vagina!

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 21:34

I can't believe how many women are sticking up for him.

They're obliged to, because they're stuck with the same kind of 'men' themselves.

Rosered1235 · 20/10/2018 21:35

Actually no this issue does not affect me personally. I just do not agree with ANYONE forcing another person to sterilise themselves, man or woman. This really is a non issue. The OP wants to have a third child. It’s quite clear that if she did accidentally get pregnant then she’d keep the baby and be quite happy. Her husband could “suggest” that she terminates that baby all he likes but he could not force her, no more than she can force him to get sterilised. It may even be that her husband changes his mind in a few years and decides he wants to actively try for a third child - he can’t do that if he’s sterilised now can he? Anyway, I’m not engaging with this thread anymore. I think some of you are being quite ridiculous.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 21:38

Bye.

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 21:40

@Rosered1235 good because you've not read the full thread you've got half the information and you're talking shit!

👋

sonandhelpneeded · 20/10/2018 21:42

I cannot believe how may women here just go well

Cross your legs
Don't have sex with him
Cats your knees
No PIV

are there that many women out there that don't enjoy sex?!?

Really!

Only do it for the men?