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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

581 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 19/10/2018 13:11

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt Hmm

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 19:42

And again, sorry to bring it down to base level, but this is what it's about. How do you bring yourself to want to have sex with such a person?

I also strongly agree with AcrossthePond's approach.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/10/2018 19:44

How do you bring yourself to want to have sex with such a person?

I don’t and we aren’t Grin

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 19:53

And now you'll get some handmaiden outraged at you using sex as a weapon / denying your husband his conjugal rights.

But actually, it's impossible to want sex with such an undesirable specimen.

Does he not recognise this?

LeftRightCentre · 20/10/2018 19:56

It's shocking that essure and mirena aren't the huge medical scandals they deserve to be!

10-15% of users of Mirena experience negative side effects, but when men experienced the same with the male pill, the trial was pulled. Says it all, really.

And what Across said, keep batting it back.

HelenaDove · 20/10/2018 19:57

I agree with @Graphista and have nothing much more to add....except that you are married to a misogynist OP.

Speaking as a childfree by choice woman i would not want to rely solely on condoms for contraception.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 20/10/2018 20:00

He’s just putting the eldest to bed and then he will be down to have the talk....

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 20/10/2018 20:06

i bet he wouldnt pay CM for the first two either if he buggered off.

LeftRightCentre · 20/10/2018 20:09

Stay calm, keep it simple, don't discuss 'extra precautions' and take Across's approach about how he will deal with it. What a load of shit. DH went in at 9 and was out having a Maccie D's for lunch with his mate by noon. He'd taken Friday off work and the Monday, too, but was fine by then and went back to work on Tuesday with no bother.

LeftRightCentre · 20/10/2018 20:13

I had to stay at home with our toddler DC3 so his mate took him, his mate who'd had it done years ago when it was a far greater procedure. DH's own dad had had it done, too. As had my father after my mother had a 3rd vertical incision CS back in the day. They are in their late 70s and 80s now. My father has had prostate cancer but his oncologist and urologist say this is related to his age and not his vasectomy. Prostate cancer is also known to be linked with age. Nearly all adult cancers can be, it is the largest risk factor.

HelenaDove · 20/10/2018 20:16

@LeftRightCentre your post does make me wonder WTF has happened with men.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 20:19

Good luck, Queen.

As I said on the other thread, DH went out to watch a stadium rugby game the day after his, had a few beers, and ended up scaling a 10 foot high fence.

My late DF, who'd be 78 if he was still alive, had one. He told me about it when I was a teenager, and said it was the least he could do.

So, yeah, absolutely zero respect for any 'man' who won't do it. In fact, I have downright, open contempt for such a person. It is absolutely not a decision which should be respected.

Rosered1235 · 20/10/2018 20:21

Don’t understand your problem. You want another baby so presumably you’d be happy with an accident? Your husband is willing to use condoms. If one fails then you can deal with the consequences then but you would be entitled to keep the baby. You have no right to blackmail your husband into getting sterilised. If you’re so adamant about it then get yourself sterilised. You sound very childish.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 20:22

Helena - to be fair, plenty of decent men are willing to do it. Among my circle, it's the preferred method of contraception.

HelenaDove · 20/10/2018 20:23

Rosered are you the DH?

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 20/10/2018 20:24

How is OP blackmailing her husband, and what makes you think she'll be able to access sterilisation given that most Trusts now won't do it?

MyBrexitIsIll · 20/10/2018 20:24

I hope you will tell him what you have told us on here.
Why is it that when it was about your second pg he was so worried about your health but when it’s about having to suck it up a bit for a vasectomy suddenly it’s not such a big deal anymore?

I’m still agash that, having seen you so poorly during your two pregnancies, he still seems to think that a vasectomy is worse.
Or that the MAP will be ok when you can’t take oral contraception etc...

HelenaDove · 20/10/2018 20:25

I asked about sterilization lots of times. Always refused.

LeftRightCentre · 20/10/2018 20:25

She's not adamant, he is, so why should she be sterilised? He's the one who would expect her to have another termination she does not want, a procedure that is also not without risk Hmm.

I absolutely respect a person's right not to be sterilised, as long as he/she realises the consequence of this if the other party cannot tolerate other forms of contraception is another pregnancy,then that's absolutely fine.

There's no blackmail here, just letting the other party know, I can't and won't take other forms of contraception, so if the condom fails it's another pregnancy.

LeftRightCentre · 20/10/2018 20:28

And yy, a lot of trusts are no longer funding female sterilisation, because it's a more expensive procedure with a higher failure rate than vasectomy that has to be performed under a GA.

Rosered1235 · 20/10/2018 20:29

Helena - the OP, and a lot of other people, are creating problems when there are none. They can use condoms until the OP enters menopause and it is highly unlikely that she will accidentally get pregnant. If she does though she’s got what she wanted hasn’t she.

MyBrexitIsIll · 20/10/2018 20:29

Rosered because contraception is a responsibility that BOTH partners need to take. It’s not fair for the DH to refuse the one method of contraception that will guarantee he won’t have any other children but then bang in about not wanting another child ever. And expecting the OP to jump though hoops so that there is no third pregnancy.

Also because (and my H had the same reasoning so I know where the OP is coming from) if the OP is actually getting pg, he won’t be happy to have the child. He is more than likely to get ressentful to actually have put in the spot and be made responsible of his choices. And THAT is a very big risk to take in a relationship tbh. The type that can really break the whole family apart.
All that because he didn’t want to take his responsibility for not having children.

MyBrexitIsIll · 20/10/2018 20:31

Hmm rosered thé issue if thé condom splitting is EXACTLY what the OP is worried about.
As for the consequence of that? See my post above and the pressure thatbthe OP is going to be under tomterminate the pregnancy.

Why is it that it’s only the OP that has to take risks with her heath to avoid a pregnancy? Or carry on having a child and take the risk her DH will be forever ressentful?

Rosered1235 · 20/10/2018 20:31

No one can force the OP to have a termination. All she has to do is state quite clearly that she will no longer be taking any contraception and if she gets pregnant she’ll be keeping the baby. Then leave it to him to decide how to deal with that. Simple. Not complicated.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/10/2018 20:33

Not complicated.

Except that it is though, isn't it.

Because she now doesn't want to have sex with him - what with the inherent risks associated, and also him being such a deeply unappealing giant baby.

Rosered1235 · 20/10/2018 20:34

The husband is entitled to say that he doesn’t want him to try for more children but not do anything to permanently make himself infertile. As others have said the couple may one day separate and he may change his mind and have children with someone else.