To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

@HairyStorm

I get thrush every time I so much as look at a condom

I'm sure you've already considered this, but just in case... I'm allergic to latex and have always had problems with any condoms other than hypo-allergenic. My daughter has the same problem.

@TheDowagerCuntess

We have a difference of opinion, one of the main differences is that I don't get personal with my responses.

If you can't cope with that then maybe the internet isn't the place for you.

Go on Love Honey tonight and order yourself some toys. Tell him he can do what the fickle likes but piv sex is no i never on offer.

I do feel sad for you. You are about to find out what it's like living with a man who thinks that as long as he is not in pain it doesn't matter what the effect on you is.

Bloody typos
Piv sex is no longer on offer.

We’re in the car just driving home after being out all day and I’ve told him that when the boys are in bed I want to talk about contraception again.

His response: “Again? Why though? I thought we’d sorted it?”

I told him that I’d been doing some thinking and we needed to talk about it.

He then said “Fine.”

He probably thinks he’s in for more ‘grief’ about getting a vasectomy.

What are you going to say?

He needs to GROW up! Seriously unacceptable to just expect you to take almost all the responsibility when it's HIM doesn't want another.

Even in your latest discussion with him he's not even seriously accepting or considering the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy he's just saying "we'll be careful" in other words HE is the one sticking his fingers in his ears going "la la la" which is ridiculous!

I think you need to say to him BEFORE you have piv sex "what will you do if I get pregnant?" Because you have a right to know if he'll take responsibility or not!

I personally would not have piv sex with this guy. He's too immature and irresponsible and SO SELFISH!

The only way I would consider it would be IF I were comfortable with the idea of being a Lp of 3 - which I don't think you are, but I think with this guy is a very likely possibility! I can also see him resisting paying maintenance for that child because "I never wanted a 3rd and I told you".

I can also totally see him blaming you if you do become pregnant - even if you use condoms and he's solely responsible for using them correctly!

"He was there to hold my hand when I was crying throughout the procedure because of now much it hurt...." Fucking hell! I'm amazed you're still with him at all!

Friends I have who work in sexual health say the map isn't reliable. There's no way of really testing its efficacy as a lack of pregnancy doesn't mean there would have been one if the woman hadn't taken the map anyway and they've Known of many women take it and then been referred for an abortion cos it hasn't worked.

I'd be presenting him with a great long WRITTEN list of all you've suffered over the YEARS due to contraception and pregnancy INCLUDING time scales and any issues you still have and a very SHORT list inc time scales of what he'd experience having a vasectomy! AND I'd look up how much cm he'd have to pay if you have a 3rd and split! Put it in black & white!

Ffs it's often said of teens on mn re sex "if they're not mature enough to cope with a possible pregnancy, they're not mature enough to have sex" same applies to him!

"Anybody who forces, coerces , name calls, and or belittles someone in to doing something that they don't want to have done to there body is abusive" I assume you mean him, seeing as op is the one that's had the most pain, discomfort and difficulties over the years and he is basically saying if she gets pregnant he expects her to have an abortion she doesn't want?

"But by all means, please keep telling us women why a teeny-tiny risk to men having a quick outpatient procedure is justification for them never taking any contraceptive responsibility, despite their poor partner having her stomach muscles pulled apart not once, but twice to deliver each of their children via caesarean section. I'm all fucking ears. " too bloody right! It's appalling!

HairyStorm is also spot on!

He doesn't want to know. So just keep it simple. 'There are no 'other precautions' for me to take that are acceptable. I won't use MAP or have a termination. So you need to understand that if condoms fail and there's another pregnancy I will continue with it and I want to know how you'd feel about that or we'll have to discuss how to work round PIV.'

Don't mention going to a FPC and indeed, again, I wouldn't bother because for women in your position they will say 'copper coil' and throw up their hands at anything else, telling you it will fail and copper coil is the way to go and hard sell it.

My h had the snip years ago after our 3rd and even with this and his having had the all-clear and no pregnancies for years I got hard sold the Mirena, which I'd had after my 2nd and it was a nightmare for me, simply because I was a woman of a certain age who was done childbearing until I finally made them put it in my notes that I was never having that thing again ever. I'm so glad I'm no longer fertile.

You know what? What it comes down to is this:

A few days discomfort for him is more important to him than the YEARS of pain and discomfort and risk to your LIFE you've been through AND more of the same PLUS the trauma of an unwanted abortion.

Selfish selfish selfish!

Even when I went in to the GP with perimenopausal/menopausal symptoms and wanting HRT they tried to push a Mirena on me, saying it would solve all my problems. Bollocks! I had to complain formally to get referred to see a GYN who had no problems prescribing HRT (all I had were sweats and hot flushes) when I explained to her the problems I'd had with Mirena in my mid-30s (it was in my records, too, surely) and that my h had had the snip a decade before (his choice).

Leftrightcentre - GP's are paid for fitting coils.

Sorry if it’s already been posted as I’ve only skimmed the thread but this really made me think. www.boredpanda.com/woman-anti-abortion-explains-unwanted-pregnancies-mens-fault-gabrielle-blair/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

I'm not surprise, Graphista. I was furious. The Mirena made me bleed constantly for a year, even with drugs to stop it. I'd never had problems with my periods before and didn't after I had it out and later conceived DC3. I had done research on the HRT and knew it was a good fit for me considering I had just the one symptom, which was very bad in me with constant sweating pouring down at certain times of the month but they still told me no, only the Mirena, so I complained. It's all very shut up little woman and spread your legs and tolerate this thing you don't want in your body because it's better for me.

I suppose I’m just going to have to tell him that I accept it’s his decision to have a vasectomy or not and if he’s refusing then there’s not much I can do. Then tell him that I will use other methods alongside condoms like the rhythm method/diaphragm but that he NEEDS to understand that if we have an unplanned pregnancy then I shall continue with it and that I need him to be on board with that and accept its a consequence of our (mainly his) actions and not something he can duck out of.

That's a good start. I'd also point out that you're not taking MAP either, just so that's on the table.

I wouldn't bring up other methods. It just gives him a stick to beat you with, it puts the onus on you again and all the blame if it goes wrong. Also you may find yourself unable to even get a diaphragm because a lot of places no longer have anyone trained to fit them anymore.

I agree with your most recent post.

But before you accept responsibility I'd try to discuss it in terms of "You absolutely do not want another child, I am willing to accept if one comes along due to contraceptive failure. Since you are the one who is adamant, what are you going to do about preventing conception?". Let him talk until he says 'you', as it 'you will take the MAP/terminate' or 'you will do/take XXX' and say "No, this is about what YOU are going to do, not about what you expect me to do. What I intend to do is completely up to me. So again, what are YOU going to do?". Let him keep talking until he realizes (if he does) that no matter what he thinks he's saying, what he's actually saying is that it's down to you, not him, to deal with it. If he won't actually take responsibility, hopefully he will at least realize it.

That's all well and good Queen, but the man isn't worthy of respect. How do you even have sex with someone like that?

You're talking about a man who wants to put his dick in you, and ejaculate, and couldn't care less about the impact on you.

I think the simple point is that MAP and termination are not contraception...

How important is sex to him?

My DP took himself off and sorted it out all by himself - like a big boy.

Sex post vasectomy is brilliant. Anytime, anywhere no fuss, lots of mess

What matters to him?

He thought it was all sorted? How? By him refusing a vasectomy and you taking the rap?

I think the simple point is that MAP and termination are not contraception...

Exactly! And the OP has already had a termination, experienced negative mental side effects from it and doesn't want to repeat that.

I'm glad DH volunteered for the snip, but he did so entirely off his own back after I developed pre-eclampsia with DC3, who was conceived after a MMC. I'd already had a forceps delivery with DC1, and a painful no drugs delivery with DC2 and he saw what I went through with the Mirena and then the POP. Our son also has autism and DH himself did not want any further children in part due to that, too.

That said, our sex life post-vasectomy has been brilliant. And with the HRT and now I'm menopausal, we've really enjoyed each other and had a lovely childfree holiday recently now ours are old enough to be left alone. It's been just marvellous. Until he got the all-clear we were using condoms but man, the relief once the all-clear came through. We were like newlyweds again!

What’s so frustrating is that due to my health problem and medication my pregnancies have been difficult and I was signed off sick from work at about 18-20 weeks gestation each time due to complications.

Prior to having our first son I knew that there were risks to me and the pregnancy but we obviously went ahead anyway and thankfully baby and I were fine by the end of it.

When I wanted a second baby my husband said no because he didn’t want me to risk my health in the same way again that I did for our first son. He said we were lucky that I and DS had come out of it unscathed and that we should count our blessings for what we have instead of putting myself through a risky pregnancy again

So how it is that he’s now not willing to have a vasectomy to prevent a pregnancy? Where is all this concern for me that he was always so vocal about when it came to discussing having a second baby? If he was that bothered about not wanting me to risk my health or have a risky pregnancy then why is he being like this?!

It's shocking that essure and mirena aren't the huge medical scandals they deserve to be!

If the same had happened to men they absolutely would be!

What acrossthepond says - KEEP putting it back on him cos HE is the one doesn't want another!

He didn't think it was sorted, he thought he'd manipulated you into taking the responsibility blame
AGAIN!

Why has that "concern" vanished? Because HE is being expected to be responsible to experience (a TINY bit in comparison to you) suffering/pain! It's all about him!