To think if my husband’s so adamant he doesn’t want more children....

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two sons, a 4.5 year old and a 14 month old.

I would love to have another baby but my husband has said absolutely not, no way, and I have made my peace with that. He wasn’t too keen on a second baby to be honest but he did agree in the end so I accept that it’s my turn to take his wishes seriously now.

Anyway, due to a chronic health condition I have and medication I take I have never been able to have hormonal contraception (the pill, the implant etc) and so have had Mirena Coils since I first met my now husband.

I’ve had awful experiences with them, horrendous insertions and even more horrendous extractions and generally just having unpleasant side effects with would affect me each day.

I have asked my DH whether he would consider having a vasectomy so I don’t have to go through all of that again but he’s said no. I appreciate that it’s his choice to have surgery or not but I feel like after 8 years of contraception being my job and not enjoying the option I had but doing it anyway, I can’t help but think that if he’s the one who is so adamant that he doesn’t want more children then he should be the one to ensure it doesn’t happen?

He has said we can just use condoms and I agree but I asked what we would do if there was an accident with it and he said I would have to take the MAP. I asked what would happen if that didn’t work, or a pregnancy isn’t detected until later, would he just expect me to get a termination?

He went quiet then because what could he say to that?

His current reason for not looking in to having a vasectomy is because he thinks it will hurt

We are now at a standstill!

Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks for posting that link sparklybanana. I loved that article, spot on!

I used condoms before because I was open to using the MAP if necessary (and have) but I was obviously young then and the concept of having a family and children wasn’t something I was familiar with not something I wanted.

However, now I’m married with two children the ‘idea’ of being pregnant is much more real now because I’ve been through two wanted pregnancies and held babies at the end - it has completely altered my perspective in terms of what it means to be pregnant and I just can’t imagine how I could ever terminate a pregnancy now that I know its a real life baby and a potential life I would be ending, especially when I would like another child anyway.

I’ve probably not explained that very well but life and my feelings are just very different now compared to how they were in my 20’s.

If you have sex and are both capable of producing a child, there is a risk. Once you have a child, like it or not you are responsible for that child. It is not bloody acceptable to walk away from that responsibility, and if you have sex whilst able to produce children, that responsibility is firmly on your shoulders. You do not get to walk away from that.

This is why we pay child support when couples are no longer together, and yes too many fuckers don't pay what they're supposed to, and too many fuckers walk away entirely. If you dip your wick, or open the love boat and produce a child, not wanting that child doesn't mean you get off Scot-free, that is never okay.

Contraception is both people's responsibility. What happens if that FAILS, is also both people's responsibility.

vasectomy is w form of contraception the others are not! Totally different!

I disagree that they are totally different. They are both methods of preventing having a baby. They both have a lasting impact which shouldn't be underestimated.

Have a look at the recent thread
"Just asked DH to get a vasectomy" - don't know how to link on my phone.

I think you should have a look into the long term consequences some men suffer as a result of this procedure. The number of men affected is quite high I believe, something like around 10% if memory serves me well.

Some men suffer chronic, long term pain.

There was a thread on MN under Family Planning or General Health some time ago about people’s various experiences and I have to say after reading that thread if my DH suggested getting himself a vasectomy I would do my utmost to dissuade him.

I really don’t see true issue with condoms, providing you use them correctly. You’ve had two planned-for children. I would therefore hazard a guess you are familiar with mapping your cycle. Use condoms and just don’t have sex around your fertile days, or double up the condoms with another barrier method.

This is not the one I was referring to, but it still is a good read. I would not push someone into having any operation, especially one with such a high risk of long term side effects.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/family_planning/3323093-Vasectomies-What-are-peoples-experiences

Sorry all, a bit late to this one!

I would just LTB for being such a giant, pathetic baby. I'd be so put off him, that sex would be off the cards, anyway.

@QueenofmyPrinces - you categorically do not have to respect his decision, because it's not a decision that commands even an nth of respect!

Any decent man steps up, offers and is willing to do this - without even having to be asked.

If you're with a man child who won't do this - and you accept it?! - more fool you.

The number of men affected is quite high I believe, something like around 10% if memory serves me well.

Sorry, that's absolutely pathetic. Do you know what the complications are for women from pregnancy (both wanted and unwanted) and childbirth?

They dwarf that measly 10%, and go up to, and include, death.

Honestly OP if you think your husband would be capable of up and abandoning you and your two kids, and potentially not acknowledging any third child because he not only wants control of his body (refusing a vasectomy as is his right,) he wants control of your body too ("tells" you to have an abortion,) then you have far bigger issues to deal with than contraceptive choices.
That's not a man I'd want to be with. If he can't accept that you will not want an abortion should an accident happen, and isn't willing to accept that risk and be prepared to step up to the plate and be a good husband and father in the unlikely case that it happens... then he needs to buck up and get the vasectomy, or get to fuck.

10% is not "high" do you understand percentages?

And most of the side effects POSSIBLE with vasectomy are pretty mild compared to the effects on a woman's body of a pregnancy - even a healthy or early ending (for whatever reason) one!

Vasectomy-dodgers and their apologists expect it to come with a risk rate of 0-1% max, and even that 1% would be way too high for many of them.

They'll only pull up their big boy pants and do it, if it's guaranteed risk- free, the little darlings.

🙄 x a million.

Get him snipped

Well we spoke about it last night and told him that I wouldn’t feel happy taking the MAP or having a termination should an accident arise and he said he understood and so we’d just have to make sure that didn’t happen.

He understands why I don’t want the Mirena and asked me if there’s not something else I could do instead? I doubt he’s clued-up about female contraception but I guess this would refer to options like cycle tracking and diaphragms etc.

Cycle tracking I can do so I guess it’s a legitimate suggestion on here.

Diaphragms I just don’t like the sound of, I get visions of it being an messy affair and I used to quite like having spontaneous quickies when the fancy took us which I guess wouldn’t be an option. I do know that’s a pretty immature reason to not choose a certain contraceptive method though.

I’ve said that if he doesn’t want a vasectomy then I won’t push for it but he needs to understand that there is always a chance, no matter how minuscule, that a pregnancy could occur if we were to rely solely on condoms and other methods and was he prepared for that. He said that he wouldn’t be happy if I got pregnant but it won’t happen anyway if I take extra precautions.

I think I will got to the Family Planning clinic next week and take it from there.

@QueenofmyPrinces diaphragm didn't work for us, partly because of the reasons you give but also because DH could feel it during PIV. He's not particularly large so I don't think that was the reason.

Did your DH give any reason other that pain as to why he was adverse to the snip?

It was the best thing ever for us, I've known to many friends with unplanned pregnancies and constant scares!

He just said he doesn’t like the thought of it and that it might hurt.

I think he has visions of them inserting scissors down his penis or something and hacking away at his tubes...

I have limited knowledge, admittedly, but I said I thought it was more like the surgeon would go in via the testicle and snip the tube that carries the sperm and he shuddered and said that sounds even worse.

@QueenofmyPrinces he needs to man up! Do explain in graphic detail about inserting and removing a mirena coil meant for you, let alone 2 c sections!

I think I'd actually be telling him id masturbate and he can either be involved in that or not. Piv sex- no, not happening. His choice he either sorts out contraception ie the snip or you aren't prepared to risk it.

So he hasn’t even checked out what the procedure involves and has dismissed it as an option. He then asks YOU if there is something else YOU can do????
He sounds quite selfish to me.

What about the copper coil? Mine is fab bar a few months of heavy periods at first..now they are normal and pain free...

He said that he wouldn’t be happy if I got pregnant but it won’t happen anyway if I take extra precautions

So all the blame is on you if/when it does go wrong? It sounds like he is expects you to cave to keep him happy. If I were you, everything he suggests I would just respond "I don't like the sound of that. You had better take extra precautions"
Do not let someone bully you into the MAP. Unsure if you've had it before but it's not nice and affected me psychologically.

He sounds like a right tosser

Do explain in graphic detail about inserting and removing a mirena coil meant for you, let alone 2 c sections!

He was with me when I had my first Mirena removed as if had to be referred to a gynaecological clinic due to it being unable to removed any other way. So yes, he was there whilst I was in a theatre type environment with my legs in stirrups and a light between my legs whilst the theatre nurse was handing all sorts of instruments to the gentleman who peering up me. He was there to hold my hand when I was crying throughout the procedure because of now much it hurt....

@QueenofmyPrinces sorry OP but I'd be losing respect for husband given he saw this first hand!

Mind you loss of respect is probably a very good contraception!

He clearly isn't that bothered about the sex he's done without for a few months and isn't doing anything to change that!

Do not let someone bully you into the MAP. Unsure if you've had it before but it's not nice and affected me psychologically

I have taken it twice and it worked once and failed the other time which did end in termination. That was almost 20 years ago now and I still haven’t really forgiven myself for terminating. It had a huge mental impact on me and years later I needed some counselling - not that it made any difference because like I said, I still haven’t got over it. I know I could never do it again.

On both occasions of taking the MAP it made me quite unwell for a few weeks.

If I had to take it again I would feel about it because I would feel like I was preventing a possible life but at the same time scares it would fail and I would end up pregnant and the repercussions that would mean seeing as my husband doesn’t want another child.

I know this is all hypothetical and the chances of me getting pregnant are very slim but I can’t let go of these thoughts.

He clearly isn't that bothered about the sex he's done without for a few months and isn't doing anything to change that!

Thankfully we are both satisfied by other methods but I’m going ask him if he really wants a future with no PIV sex?!