AIBU To tell my 7yr DS it’s ok to defend himself?

[Harrassedhubby]

Situation: My 7yr old came home from school today in tears because he’d lost his ‘Good Stamp’ at school. I asked him why, he said another boy had hit him hard, in my boys words; ‘It was like when a pan is on the cooker, it got too hot and the lid blew off’ my son kicked the boy in the shin. AIBU to support my son and tell him that he has the right to physically defend himself against an older and much bigger bully? Or should I have disciplined him?

These kids fight it out, but i bet no one bullies them
If only that were true.
There's still a pecking order within the kids who are up for violence.

Smack someone back then you become someone to challenge for dominance.

It's rare I've come across situations that have been actually resolved by kids getting violent.

Ds2 once hit someone back after weeks of being bullied. He got the crap kicked out of him

Ds2 once hit someone back after weeks of being bullied. He got the crap kicked out of him

In that case, maybe it's best to smack back the very first time so the bully hasn't seen you tolerate weeks of bullying before you hit back.
Personally, I would never attack anyone and would walk away from a confrontation but if someone decided to hit me I would smack them harder....Sod the say No in a loud voice.

but if someone decided to hit me I would smack them harder.

And what would you do if it was physically impossible for you to smack them harder ?

And what would you do if it was physically impossible for you to smack them harder?

Well, I am physically capable but if you mean restricted...then I couldn't could I?!
If it was physically impossible, then I couldn't run away either, could I?......so I would have no options 😒
Any other hypothetical scenarios we need to cover?

Tell my dd all the time, if someone hits you on purpose. You hit them back as hard as you can. And they won't ever hit you again.

Some people agree, some people say you shouldn't teach your kids to solve things with violence. In an ideal world this would be true. But the world we live in today, some kids are just bully's and use there power to hurt other children. As long as you teach your lo to only use violence as defence then there is nothing wrong. My dd is always play fighting with her dad, she does boxing with him too and is starting self defence classes when she turns four.

We tell her everyday, be kind to everyone, play with all the kids in school and never leave anyone out. And never hit unless somebody hits you. (Just thought I'd add that before someone tells me how much of an awful parent i am)

If it was physically impossible, then I couldn't run away either, could I?

Now you're just being obtuse. Strength you require to hit does not correlate with the speed at which you can run. Surely you can understand that some people are not as strong as others? Hypothetically speaking, if my DH were to hit me, then I could never hit back harder because he is far stronger and heavier than me. Can you not see the same applies to children of differing builds and coordination?

This is a hard one. In the schools here in Australia bullying is not allowed at all. If you defend yourself you could be expelled, which is not good at all if you ask me.

It may not be allowed in Australia, but it most certainly occurs there, as in every other country. My friend's DS is having massive bullying problems in his school in Sydney, and the school (while making the right noises) have totally failed to address the situation.

Hypothetically speaking, if my DH were to hit me, then I could never hit back harder because he is far stronger and heavier than me. Can you not see the same applies to children of differing builds and coordination?

Not all bullies are big and strong. The boy bullying grandson is smaller and my grandson is big for his age and strong.
Bullies don't just pick on smaller kids.
I'm not suggesting all children hit back, some just haven't the confidence or ability but if they can, they should be told its ok if they need to.
A lot has to do with confidence. Big and strong doesn't necessarily mean you can fight.

It makes me so angry when people say schools do nothing about bullying. It just isn't true!
I could list hundreds of instances where a parent has claimed their child is being bullied. Most of the time they're not. They've got into a fight with another child, sometimes started by the other child, sometimes by themselves. Sometimes they've provoked the child with their words or actions and got hit.
Don't get me wrong, there are bullies out there, but schools do work hard to prevent this. Many children who use violence when they are younger have very troubled lives, and having a bit of compassion for them would go a long way. Please, don't tell your child to hit other children, it's not the answer. And as for the person who advised the OP to tell her child tokick the other child in the head, you should be totally ashamed of yourself. Hurting others is NEVER right.

It makes me so angry when people say schools do nothing about bullying. It just isn't true!

Sadly,...in lots of cases it IS true.
FYI.... My grandson IS being bullied. It's been going on for a year! He isn't getting into fights.
The school have failed miserably.
Don't ask me to have compassion for the little thug who has terrorised him. My compassion is with my grandson.
We don't tell my grandson to hit other children....his mother has told him he can hit the BULLY next time he is attacked...yes, attacked! After more than a year,....how much longer do you think my grandson should suffer?

Gotta well done on the victim blaming there 👍🏻 Some children aren’t fighters and not all bullies are weak little things who run away the first time they are hit back

I very much doubt you are hard enough or fast enough to run away from everyone , especially someone bigger than you who is willing to throw you on the ground and stamp on your head after you’ve smacked them back

Soontobe60 - totally agree. There absolutely are cases of bullying, and I’m really sorry to hear about your grandson Gotta, but in my experience at that age it’s extraordinarily rare. I’ve had parents mention bullying but I’ve seen the children play together when they think I’m not watching, and I know those dynamics pretty well. And generally it’s either two children who are as bad as each other or an isolated incident involving a child with SEN hitting out which was dealt with appropriately and teachers have watched over to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Gotta well done on the victim blaming there

Victim blaming? WTF are you on about?

And generally it’s either two children who are as bad as each other or an isolated incident involving a child with SEN hitting out which was dealt with appropriately and teachers have watched over to ensure it doesn’t happen again

You don't know the age of my grandson...and FYI....he is SEN. He is almost 13.
Don't preach to me about being as bad as each other and trivialising these incidents because it's obvious you don't have a clue.

At some point they have to! A child hit mine every day teachers spoke to them it continued. Children need to be able to stick up for themselves if they can it's the only way to stop if teachers can't

I very much doubt you are hard enough or fast enough to run away from everyone , especially someone bigger than you who is willing to throw you on the ground and stamp on your head after you’ve smacked them back

My grandson is bigger than the bully. Apart from hitting my grandson, he calls him gay, makes homophobic remarks and tries to humiliate him. My grandson can't 'run' He could however smack the bully hard if he wanted.
Bullies are usually cowards. They like to humiliate, goad and frighten. They don't pick on people who they think will fight back.

I understand why schools discourage it but bullies never pick on people who they know will give as good as they get. My child would be my primary concern. As long as they don't lash out first, I would encourage them to retaliate if they've tried the "telling the teacher" route before.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it personally. I punched a girl at school once who'd pecked my head for two weeks sje just took a dislike to me, called me short arse, blah blah, one day a just lost my shit and smacked her in the chops after she made comments about my sibling. She deserved it and I still to this day am glad I did it!

In my experience the only time schools do anything about bullying is if the child being bullied is liked by the teachers and they want to help them as sometimes the teachers have like this weird thing where they find the child maybe irritating or sick or them 'telling tales' etc. Happened in my school the 'weird kid' got bullied and our very macho, football coach form tutor basically was on the side of the bullies. OR the parents kick up a massive stink and are constantly on the school to sort things

I was relentlessly bullied from the age of 6 until I left school at 16, rural area and the 80's so an attitude of shut up and put up, had I hit the bully the first time it wouldnt have happened after that because there were weaker kids than me.

Self defense/retaliation, I practice two different martial arts, I've always been taught that if you are attacked it is acceptable to do whatever you have to to get out of that situation, those saying that it doesnt prepare you for life/work I disagree, there's been plenty of times I've had to use my martial arts to defend myself because people like picking on those weaker than them, I just only look vulnerable these days

Don’t hit first but always hit back. It’s sucky advice but probably meAns the one who hit first will pick on someone else in future. I speak as a parent who’s son was a constant target for the class bully until he stood up for himself. As far as I’m concerned actions have consequences and I gladly supported my son when he hit back.

Sorry Gotta I thought I made it clear I wasn’t talking about your grandson. I was talking about parents at primary school who bandy the term ‘bullying’ around without having a clue about what’s actually gone on.