AIBU To tell my 7yr DS it’s ok to defend himself?

[Harrassedhubby]

Situation: My 7yr old came home from school today in tears because he’d lost his ‘Good Stamp’ at school. I asked him why, he said another boy had hit him hard, in my boys words; ‘It was like when a pan is on the cooker, it got too hot and the lid blew off’ my son kicked the boy in the shin. AIBU to support my son and tell him that he has the right to physically defend himself against an older and much bigger bully? Or should I have disciplined him?

After spending years with ds putting up with horrid bullies at primary and telling him never to retaliate, walk away, tell a teacher I wish I’d done it differently and told ds to punch as hard as he could whoever hits him first. From our experience once bullies see someone not standing up for themselves they are an easy target. This all culminated in ds having suicidal feelings which have thankfully been resolved by putting our house on the market to move away from other kids, counselling at school and masses of interventions from school.

Oswaldspengler, how many times have you literally had to hit someone to get a promotion?

Teaching children to hit in schools is not preparing them for the real world in any way. No amount of nature documentaries make that so.

The OP doesn't seem to have been back, but before all the frothing on both sides of the argument, it might be interesting to hear the teacher's view of what happened.

Because I struggle with a 7 yr old kicking another child on the shin as a form of defense.

I imagine the teacher will say she separated a full-blown fight, probably 6 of one and half a dozen of the other and that the OP's son has presented it in this way to lessen his involvement. Plus ca change.

Good on your ds. For too long I did the 'right' thing when I was a kid and one day had enough and absolutely pasted my bully, completely wiped the floor with her. It was glorious. 100% self defence as it stopped the bullying there and then.

My DS was going through similar and he had my permission to twat the kid once as hard as he could if he couldn't move away. And I told the school this too. Funnily enough they finally took action.

If bullies are more likely to go after kids who don't hit back they do that in part because the adults around them are teaching them that this is the natural order of things. If you want bullying to end, you won't achieve that by teaching toxic attitudes to supremacy and violence.

The world is what we make it. It's surrounding to decry bullies but suggest that violence is a legitimate way to manage them. All you teach them is that as long as they are the strongest, most violent, they will be fine. You can't then get pissed off when they use that against you or your child.

Big difference between retaliation and self-defence. Your son should’ve told a teacher, not kicked the boy back.

I'm really pleased that some posters on this thread have obviously either never been bullied, or have had it dealt with effectively.

Parent in my child’s class has told her son to hit back if anyone annoys him. So her son has told this to other children who then repeat it ,’X’s mum says he can hit back’. Unfortunately X is the bully in this case and my son has been on the receiving end of this. He is a lot smaller than this child. X’s parent believes their child can do no wrong and it is the fault of other children and no amount of the school saying that it didn’t happen this way changes their view. The parents are essentially undermining the school in resolving this issue and it impacts on other children.

I’m not saying this applies to all the situations your children are in and some of them sound awful and need to be resolved. However for other situations are you really sure you have the full story? It may be best to get the school to look at it fully and resolve it.

A child can understand they shouldn't hit others but it's ok to hit back if they are attacked.
As much as we have to understand why a child is bullying and educate that child to stop doing it, it all takes time. I wouldn't be prepared to let my child be the punch bag whilst the message gets through.
Never pick on others, but if you are attacked....the gloves are off.

Agree 100% gottagetmoving. My rule to my DS is try and get away, if you can't you have my permission to hit them to defend yourself (and Ignis defending as it stops any further onslaught). For the bully (who has previously strangled my DS as well as holding him so hard he had a hand shaped bruise on his upper arm for a week) the rule is different - next time he does anything like that, if you want to, smack him one as hard as you can and I'll have your back.

Some of the replies here are laughable and completely unrealistic. Nothing stops a bully like giving him/her a bit of their own medicine. Your son will benefit from losing his rag in the long term - trust me.

Your son should’ve told a teacher, not kicked the boy back.
the same adults who say "tell and adult" will be the ones to say "walk away, ignore" (like that is really "possible" in a school setting), or say that the bully has special needs/chaotic home life, therefore any discipline would amount to discrimination.
So yes, fight back, retaliate - whatever. Losing a star sticker or some playtime totally worth it.

Your son should’ve told a teacher, not kicked the boy back

Over a year, my grandson has told the teacher EVERY time the bully has hit him
He told the teacher when the bully drew blood through his shirt by digging his nails into him.
My grandson spends all breaks and lunchtime avoiding the bully.
He has run away from the bully on numerous occasions.
My daughter has spoken to the school many times on the phone and had many meetings.
The bully does this to other kids too. He has been suspended once and received punishments. Nothing has stopped him.
My daughter has now told her son he can punch back. He's well capable of doing this. She's told the school this too.
There's only so much a child should have to take and to be honest I think my grandson should have smacked the bully the first time it happened and saved himself over a year of grief.
So for those of you saying you should never retaliate...you haven't got a clue.

I dealt with an incident once at school where one child slapped another, really hard. The child who was slapped then punched the first child in the face, knocking out a tooth and splitting their lip. Because ‘my mum says hit them back if they hit me’. Unfortunately what that child didn’t know, was the child who slapped him had simply been spinning around and got too close, I know because I saw it happen.
Don’t teach kids it’s ok to hit, teach them to defend themselves and run away/get help. What your child did was get into a fight. It was his choice to kick.

I think kids should be taught to defend themselves but they do need to be taught what is proportional and what is retaliation there is a big difference.
My son was being constantly pushed in to a corner when he was younger so he head butted the child, I told him off. He shouldn't have done that, he asked should I have hit or kicked him and I said no, I told him that he should have pushed him out of the way firmly telling him to back off and leave him alone firmly and load, then walk away and get help. That would be proportionate .
Simply telling them to hit back is wrong, if they get it wrong when they're older they will not have a leg to stand on.

just to clarify, I dont want to raise a punchbag, if he gets pushed, push back, hit, hit back, called names call them back, basically give as good as you get.

kickassbitch

Your second post seems to contradict your first post.
Some of you don't seem to understand that circumstances arise where you ARE in a fight. Simply pushing away saying no, has not worked!

I was bullied as a child and still don't believe that booting someone in retaliation is self defence.

Love the idea that anyone who proposes a non violent solution 'obviously hasn't been bullied' though and proposing alternative approaches is throwing some kind of party for the bully whilst ignoring the victim though.

There's a common thread in most of the worst assaults and fights I've seen between students (secondary here) and it's lines like: "well my mam said if someone starts on me I can smack'em/ my dad said if someone punches you punch back harder/my mam said if anyone starts on me then she'll finish it/my dad said to let my cousins know and they'll have anyone in my year"