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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To tell my 7yr DS it’s ok to defend himself?

132 replies

Harrassedhubby · 18/10/2018 00:37

Situation: My 7yr old came home from school today in tears because he’d lost his ‘Good Stamp’ at school. I asked him why, he said another boy had hit him hard, in my boys words; ‘It was like when a pan is on the cooker, it got too hot and the lid blew off’ my son kicked the boy in the shin. AIBU to support my son and tell him that he has the right to physically defend himself against an older and much bigger bully? Or should I have disciplined him?

OP posts:

Tweakanddashi · 18/10/2018 07:17

We had exactly the same as happygolucky. A year and a half of our then 6 year old DS coming home hurt, with clothes and books torn, not feeling safe in school, being held back by other children so he couldn't tell a teacher.
I kept saying-. Say no assertively, move away, tell a teacher.

It carried on.

Then he lost it in the playground and hit a bully in the face. He had to go to the headteacher and was on a yellow card for an afternoon then it was all ok and the bullying stopped.

I wish that he had just hit them back at the beginning.

blueskiesandforests · 18/10/2018 07:22

Lunas one of mine stepped between his friend and 3 classmates who were trying to beat him up and just stood there when he was ten. He got a black eye. He also got an absolute she'd load of respect. When asked why he did it he couldn't say, except that he had to stop them hitting his friend because it was too mean. Neither he nor his friend ever got hit again (at primary, touch wood etc - they're all at secondary now).

melissasummerfield · 18/10/2018 07:22

some of the comments on here

Of course you teach your child to defend themselves! It does not teach then to be agressive or that being agressive is okay as long as you are delivering the message correctly i.e if someone hits you it is okay to defend youself but you do not hit or pick on others. Quite simple really

Fisharesexy · 18/10/2018 07:23

He needs to be able to defend himself. My son was bullied for 3 years at school by 2 boys. One left in year 3, thank god, the other one stayed. The one that stayed constantly tried to bully my son physically, my son hit back. Within one week, the boy never touched him again.
I can't understand the people on here who won't advocate hitting back when necessary. You are setting your child up to be a victim.
I tried to get my son to fight back for 3 years, when he did, the bullying stopped. I don't feel remorse about that. Teachers and school were useless.
My son knows to only hit back when absolutely necessary. He's not a thug lashing out all over the place.

cheaperthebetter · 18/10/2018 07:24

I would not say that kicking that child in the shin was down to retaliation, The other child hits OPs DS, maybe that other child was going to do it again , so that is why OPs DS kicked him in the shin (if that was the case then he did use self defence!)

I'm in a similar situation myself with DD (9), she is the loveliest ,kindest sweetest child ever, Cause if he nice nature there is a girl (twat!) who takes this as weakness, pushing in front of her in the dinner Q, taking her pencils etc.
My DD hates confrontation, DD will ask her nicely "please don't do that" girls response " I will do what I want as your mum not here and not is mine"
There is nothing more than I would love than my DD putting this (twat!) in her place!
So my other DD(8) seen this girls again upset DD(9) and went and confronted her, saying to her "don't you upset my sister, you're nothing but a bully" DD(8) got in this girls face saying this, the girl (twat) started to cry and told the teacher , who was well aware of the situation with DD(9) and the girl, teacher told me what went on and said to DD(8) you will not be getting into trouble for what you did as the girl(twat) finally got a taste of her own medicine and didn't like it, obviously I told DD(8) well done and if the girl (twat) does anything to either one she is to do what she has to , to defend her and her sister.

BlackeyedSusan · 18/10/2018 07:28

most of the time it is best to go with tell the teacher etc.

try to teach him to be assertive. (someone stating loudly, stop it I don't like it certainly gets your attention as a teacher) If he looks like the kid who will take no nonsense then he is less likely to be a target.

teach him some witty comebacks to deal with it verbally.

you have to take it up with school and make sure they deal with the issue

some schools are ineffective, some kids are resistent to gentler methods. he has to know the consequences of hitting back too, that he will be in trouble with school. some posters are of the opinion that sometimes the trouble is worth it.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 18/10/2018 07:29

I was always torn between this one. I tell my son if someone hits him he should hit back, never hit girls and not hit anyone younger or a lot smaller than him.
I think defending themselves is most important but I find that my eldest son is always the one to get in trouble when he hits back as he's taller than the other boys in his class and looks older.

LittleCandle · 18/10/2018 07:29

DD1 was being bullied by a little shit in primary 1. I told her, when the school had done sweet fuck all to stop said little shit, that next time he hit, tripped, spat or whatever, she warned him that the next time she would hit him and to make sure she got a good blow in. She did so, then also did exactly what I had told her, and reported both him and herself to the playground supervisor. I told her not to worry about being in trouble, because I would back her the whole way, since the school was doing nothing. Because I was backing her up, and also because the school actually listened to the playground supervisor, who had been telling them of the bullying all along, the little shit was sanctioned and thereafter treated DD1 with a lot more respect. Yes, tell your son to defend himself and be prepared to defend him to the hilt with the school. Schools don't do enough to prevent bullying.

Oswaldspengler · 18/10/2018 07:29

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Milliepede · 18/10/2018 07:31

I was a victim of bullying at school, to this day I remember how miserable it was and how isolated I felt. Funnily enough, the bullying stopped when I decided to defend myself and hit back.
Your son is perfectly entitled to defend himself, do not let him become a victim.

danigrace · 18/10/2018 07:37

*some of the comments on here

Of course you teach your child to defend themselves! It does not teach then to be agressive or that being agressive is okay confused as long as you are delivering the message correctly i.e if someone hits you it is okay to defend youself but you do not hit or pick on others. Quite simple really *

This.

Teaching to run away and tell the teacher is extremely unlikely to stop a bully. There's absolutely nothing wrong with fighting back so that you are not an easy amusing target squealing don't hurt me or ill tell

missyB1 · 18/10/2018 07:39

OP tell your son not worry about losing his good stamp, the message he got across to that other child was far more important.

BiggerBoat1 · 18/10/2018 07:41

Have those of you who are saying teach your child to walk away/tell a teacher, have you ever actually been bullied?

This was not bullying, it was a single act of aggression. Obviously not something that should have happened but not bullying. Some posters are confusing the issue with their stories of bullying.

Both boys were violent. One initiated it, the other retaliated and both were punished. Sounds like the school did exactly the right thing to me.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 18/10/2018 07:46

I think you should explain to your son that if he kicks someone then yes, the school will discipline him, but it may still be the best thing to do.

It's all very well training children to say "Stop hitting me!" and tell a teacher, but if that's all the ammunition they have, they will get thumped regularly (more so boys). If it is known that they have the capacity to retaliate physically, they will get picked on less. Sad but true.

Oswaldspengler · 18/10/2018 07:48

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Upslidedown · 18/10/2018 07:53

One of mine was being bullied and the school was doing nothing about it. One day he turned and punched the bully in the face.

We explained that officially we agreed with the school for him getting into trouble but that the reality was that we were very proud of him. We were proud he'd done the right thing for so long (going to teachers etc) and proud that when that didn't work, he refused to be beaten.

It stopped the bullying. We also have a good relationship with him because we can talk honestly.

Happygolucky009 · 18/10/2018 07:53

You need to keep a close eye on this situation, is it a one off or part if a pattern?

Is your child prone to experiencing such outbursts and what are you doing to support your child with his or her outbursts?

youarenotkiddingme · 18/10/2018 07:57

Defending is fine.

Attacking back is fighting.

Yes, teach your son how to defend himself whilst he's being hurt. It's a valuable skill. In the eyes of the law defence is acceptable.

But teaching him to kick someone who has hit him is teaching him to fight. In the eyes of the law that is a criminal act.

Oswaldspengler · 18/10/2018 07:59

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fleshmarketclose · 18/10/2018 08:00

Tbh I'd just empathise with your dc and definitely wouldn't punish as he's been punished at school.
Dc1 was hit every day for weeks by one particular child, he told the teacher,I told the teacher and it made not a jot of difference and so I told him that the next time he was hit he was to hit back as hard as he could until the other boy cried. He did just that and I was called in to speak to the teacher. My response was, "Good, I'm glad, maybe now he will think twice before he tries it again because telling an adult has had no effect whatsoever" He never touched dc1 again so it was never an issue again dc1 didn't hit anyone else either. Sometimes there is no other way than to retaliate if you ask me.

Jamieson90 · 18/10/2018 08:02

In all honesty schools have their hands tied where bullies are concerned because of the current policiy of inclusion, and I say this as someone who has worked in education for the last ten years.

I've seen a number of bullies over the years. One got absolutely leathed by one of their victims when they finally snapped, and the bully's mother came in ranting and screaming like they were the victim, so tells you all you need to know. The head told her that her son probably wouldn't have been battered if he didn't go round hitting his classmates every day. I think secretly she was quite glad.

GinIsIn · 18/10/2018 08:04

You absolutely teach your child to defend themselves. How to block a punch, how to get away from someone, how to fight to escape.

But what your son did wasn’t self defence, it was another act of violence.

idontknowwhattosay · 18/10/2018 08:06

I always tell mine that the first time something like this happens they walk away and tell the teacher, the second time they shout at the person and tell the teacher, if there is a third time they are allowed to hit back to protect themselves. my thought is that the school have had 2 chances to stop the issue and if it happens a third time then they havent sorted the situation.

AnotherPidgey · 18/10/2018 08:09

I had some girls from the year group below attempt to bully me. For a few weeks they tried comments in the corridor which I responded to with something either too deeply clever and witty for them to understand or gazed through them as they weren't there. The day they stopped was the day they upped their game...

They caught me at the bus stop and one leaned onto my Head sports bag to subtly attempt to drag me to the ground... except I managed to get the hand straps gently under my hand and take no weight, and release the shoulder strap to let the bag drop. As predicted the bag dropped and the girl fell. Bonus, the metal buckle flipped up and cracked her on the nose. Fortunately the bus came before they sorted themselves beyond "What did you do that for?" "You deserved it!" But they decided to never go near me again. Too tricky a target.

I tell my DCs to never be the one to start it. In my experience as a teacher the one starting has the advantage of picking their moment to evade notice. The one retaliating often gets caught because they react impulsively and catches attention. It's not ideal to retaliate, and as a parent I would let the school do their job, but in the big picture being known as the child who isn't an easy target is worthwhile. I talk to my DCs about better ways to deal with it and tend to be more cross with the instigator unless the retaliator has been excessive. (The joy of sibling spats!)

I'm actually impressed with his description of how he felt. That's pretty good emotional intelligence for a 7 year old even if the actual actions aren't by the textbook.

Caprisunorange · 18/10/2018 08:15

“But teaching him to kick someone who has hit him is teaching him to fight. In the eyes of the law that is a criminal act.”

It’s not that simple actually (notthat the eyes of the law are particularly relevant to 2 young boys fighting at school, let’s not be daft about it) but you are allowed a pre emotive strike if you have genuine reason to believe you are about to be hit, in order to prevent it. The OPs son could claim
He was kicking away the perpetrator from a second act of violence.

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