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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP judging everyone by his own impossibly high standards

260 replies

applesandapear · 16/10/2018 22:19

I’ve had enough of my DPs general attitude towards other people. He is constantly judging others based on his own standards and to be honest I’m starting to question if he’s even a good person

Some examples

  1. If the house isn’t impossibly clutter free he acts like I’m disgustingly unclean (I’m not!)
  2. He has a hobby, let’s say cycling as to not be too outing. He can cycle a certain event in say an hour which is a very very good time. The average person would be happy to achieve the same event in say 1.30-1.45 and be very pleased. Someone posted on FB that they did it in 1.48 (huge achievement) and he said it was embarrassing and they should have done better!!
  3. Told me I’m not achieving anything as my priority is raising our children not earning as much money as possible - I’m sorry but raising well rounded happy children is a massive achievement in my book!
  4. Said that I don’t take any responsibility for things because he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out. My argument was that I cannot read his mind and therefore cannot be expected to ask all questions he wanted if he hadn’t told me!

I think it’s appalling to be honest. Have your own high standards fine but don’t make others feel like s* when their achievements are different to your own!
AIBU???

OP posts:
AlmaGeddon · 17/10/2018 07:29

Tell him he was obviously inadequately loved as a child by his DPs so cannot merely strive for happiness and love like everyone else but is needy for superiority in all things to compensate.
There is something missing somewhere for him to be so lacking in empathy and arse.

Godimsounimaginative · 17/10/2018 07:30

"I don't see you achieving anything" oh Yeah, I produced, nourished and raised a whole person. Don't see you doing that!

You seem like very different people, if he's decent in every other way then I'd encourage him to understand that not everyone is like him and that's ok.

Original poster
applesandapear · 17/10/2018 07:30

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the messages.

Just to clarify we aren’t married. Baby is our first child together but he has an older child from a previous relationship. That child is put on a pedestal even if it means lying about their character. Eg he might say DC1 is a great eater, not fussy at all but in reality DC1 is very hard to feed.

I feel like he has been very good at hiding this side of him until he felt I was stuck - pregnant! - with him.

I have tried to speak about how it makes me feel when he is like that - he doesn’t really listen or acknowledge and says ‘whatever’ or accuses me of emotionally harassing him Hmm I think there’s only been one time he’s apologised for acting like I’m not good enough which is when I asked him to pay for something for the baby but had to pretty provide a bloody income and expenditure to prove I didn’t have the money to buy it.

To the pp who said about the washing up - yep I know exactly what you mean he has also done this to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
applesandapear · 17/10/2018 07:32

He had a terrible upbringing in and out of foster care

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 17/10/2018 07:33

Random question.... who does all this incredable minimilist/cleaning thing ?

longwayoff · 17/10/2018 07:34

I suggest you let him know that his famously high achieving brain is the instrumental factor in seriously damaging your relationship. Is that his intention?

Raydan · 17/10/2018 07:35

:-( OP sounds like you've tried to reason with him and he's just not reasonable... I don't think it's acceptable for him to treat you like this and it sounds far from a happy relationship. You'll know best yourself what to do. Flowers

longwayoff · 17/10/2018 07:36

He's obviously damaged. You can't fix him. Make preparation for life without him.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 17/10/2018 07:37

Did he make you buy everything the baby?
You'll never be good enough for him..... nobody will. This environment will sap your self esteem

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/10/2018 07:37

OP are you paying everything towards the baby? Just seen his reluctance when you asked him to buy something...

redexpat · 17/10/2018 07:41

I think you should achieve independence from this man. That would be a really worthwhile achievment.

redexpat · 17/10/2018 07:43

Have you seen legally blond? Where Elle says I will never be good enough for you. That's you.

thethoughtfox · 17/10/2018 07:43

Please don't allow yourself to excuse terrible behaviour because of a sad childhood. My friend did this ...until it escalated into physical abuse and her baby is now terrified of the sound of male footsteps.

EmmaJR1 · 17/10/2018 07:47

I'm really cringing reading your updates op. How awful for you and your baby that this person is such a big part of your life!

Please don't listen to anything he says, it's worth fuck all, just spiteful and demeaning and says far more about his character than your ambitions, achievements and potential.

His upbringing is no excuse and if he doesn't change and you stay you are showing your child that this is ok to be this way or worse it's normal to allow yourself to be treated this way,

Thenewdoctor · 17/10/2018 07:49

I think you should leave.

I did 25 years with a man like this and it almost destroyed me.

Mix56 · 17/10/2018 07:56

^The house will never be clutter free enough. You will never have a career worthy of his respect, or a salary he won't mock. If or when trouble happens with the baby or children, that will all be your fault. You will be accused of over-lenience or over-strictness, self-indulgence or helicoptering, whatever insult he can think of - it doesn't matter which, actually, because none of what he says will reflect reality. What he says to you reflects his own need to control and ultimately to destroy. He will seize every opportunity to put you down.

Now that you have a baby he will begin to target you as a mother. It will cut straight to your heart.^ This 200%
On the up side, you have potential for a good career, & your baby will not notice when you are gone, you are not married & you can walk out today

Mix56 · 17/10/2018 07:57

your baby will not notice when HE is gone, (obvs)

Thenewdoctor · 17/10/2018 07:57

In my case, as ludicrous as this sounds, there was an “approved” way to put on deodorant. And I was apparently profligate and wasteful and sprayed my deodorant wrong.

Please don’t end up like me.

KERALA1 · 17/10/2018 08:06

I would rather be on my own forever then be with someone like this. So emotionally unintelligent and literal. I don't think I could have a conversation with him let alone a baby. Jesus run while you can

MiddlingMum · 17/10/2018 08:07

Your child might not be top of the class - that will be wrong
Your child might not come first on sports day - that will be wrong
Your child may not be the most popular - that will be wrong
Your child may not get into the "best school" - that will be wrong
Your child may not get top grades in every exam - that will be wrong
Your child may not get into the best university - that will be wrong

Do you really want that for your child's future?

slightlyjaded · 17/10/2018 08:17

I recognise everything in your post.

It WILL wear you down, piece by piece. He has zero emotional intelligence and is an insecure bully. He can only feel good by making you feel bad, he doesn't understand any other way. Then, once you have mentally switched off (and effectively given up on being loved and respected) he will begin on your DC and he will wear them down too.

You need to get out while you can. And I very rarely say that.

Original poster
applesandapear · 17/10/2018 08:21

I bought most stuff for the baby he bought some stuff. The thing he begrudged paying for was something he didn’t deem necessary (I did and explained why I felt it was).

The cleaning he expects me to do as I am on maternity. I hate a total clutter free house I like having pictures or flowers out that he thinks are clutter.

I think any DC is more likely to feel superior than inferior based on how he parents his older DC.

I’m just fed up of not feeling good enough to be honest. Even his tone of voice when he makes a comment is just awful - and if I mention it to him it’s like he doesn’t even know he’s done it

OP posts:
InternalGangsta · 17/10/2018 08:25

I think it sounds like projections. He's projecting his own feelings of inadequacy into others because realising his own would be too difficult. And your update supports this theory. Growing up with rejection and no-one who really cared can make someone feel completely unloveable and inadequate but in order to survive emotionally those feelings would be buried. But they resurface in projections. You can't change him. He has to decide whether or not to explore this in counselling. But understanding this might help you to manage your own feelings and reactions to his behaviour- which is all you can do if you want to stay with him.

oldmum22 · 17/10/2018 08:25

This sort of behaviour is unacceptable and not normal. He should be proud that he is married to a clever, intelligent , articulate woman, who has taken time to raise a child which is part of him . Instead of ridiculing your abilities ,why doesn't he step up and become part of the team ? Is this behaviour learnt from his parents or is it something that has only just come to light ?

JamPasty · 17/10/2018 08:26

Seriously, he will damage your child if you stay. You can't fix him - he will always treat you like shit. You deserve better. Leave

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