DP judging everyone by his own impossibly high standards

[applesandapear]

I’ve had enough of my DPs general attitude towards other people. He is constantly judging others based on his own standards and to be honest I’m starting to question if he’s even a good person

Some examples

1. If the house isn’t impossibly clutter free he acts like I’m disgustingly unclean (I’m not!)
2. He has a hobby, let’s say cycling as to not be too outing. He can cycle a certain event in say an hour which is a very very good time. The average person would be happy to achieve the same event in say 1.30-1.45 and be very pleased. Someone posted on FB that they did it in 1.48 (huge achievement) and he said it was embarrassing and they should have done better!!
3. Told me I’m not achieving anything as my priority is raising our children not earning as much money as possible - I’m sorry but raising well rounded happy children is a massive achievement in my book!
4. Said that I don’t take any responsibility for things because he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out. My argument was that I cannot read his mind and therefore cannot be expected to ask all questions he wanted if he hadn’t told me!

I think it’s appalling to be honest. Have your own high standards fine but don’t make others feel like s* when their achievements are different to your own!
AIBU???

He sounds utterly dreadful. Belittling and discouraging, and making you feel shit about yourself.

Are you sure you want to put up with him forever?

When you go back to work tell him he has to pay for everything that you did whilst on maternity leave. Child care and home care without going into an endless list of what the arsehole is obviously taking for granted.
Enjoy the rest of the time off with your baby. Never mind his demands.

My husband can be bit like that, he likes to lecture me like I'm a child and mansplains things. He doesn't do it much anymore because I would take the piss out of him, or just say is that right and keep doing what I was doing. Being made to feel stupid did the trick. I don't argue or tell him he is wrong, I just don't care. I don't know if that makes sense sorry.

It sounds like you do even like your dh anymore.

You can't possibly leave this dickhead fast enough. Are you really going to waste your life with someone so fucking horrible?

Hi apple will this be your first child? He’s really going to struggle with “the mess” isn’t he. He will get worse. He has low self esteem I think. Makes himself feel better by putting others down.

Is this your first child together? Are you married/own a house together/etc etc or would you have a relatively free exit route if you needed one?

I very def would be returning to work if I were you, just not for the reasons he thinks you should be - I'd be doing it to ensure I wasn't financially dependent upon, and thus tethered to (& in a 'less than' way iyswim), this 'man'.

What are his good points? And genuinely, if you're not married with the degree of financial security that offers, why are you having a baby with him and about to stop work?

He doesn’t sound nice or supportive at all. Must be hard for you to hear that while you are on maternity leave, it makes me so angry that some men don’t seem to understand how hard birthing/ feeding/ caring for a child actually is.

Maybe you should reevaluate. I’d make sure he knows how disappointed you are in him for thinking this way!

He sounds like a knob
Don't put up with this shit op, or the other posters who said their partners are like this, life is too short

I pity your baby, having to grow up under his ridiculous standards.

Something to bear in mind with people like this is that when you do achieve things they value, they simply move the goalposts.

It's not about high standards, it's propping up a fragile sense of self-worth.

While I do think he is being a bit of an arsehole, being a SAHM or working part time should be a joint decision as you are placing the financial burden on the other person.

Also, I don't think I would want to become financially dependent on him. He sounds like the kind of man who would question every penny you spend.

He doesn't sound like very good father material, OP. How impressed is he going to feel when your DC utters a first word, eats from a spoon but gets it all over the table, takes first steps?

My concerns in your shoes would be how he reacts to his child achieving and even worsem under achieving (in his eyes) at various points of thier childhood. Can you trace this to his childhood? What are his parents like?

You DC might either never feel good enough, or be put on a pedestal & grow up to believe that he/she is the best at everything, and grow up looking down at everyone else as your DH does.

He doesn't have high standards OP. He has no idea how to treat people does he?
Has he always been this way? What attracted you to him ? Has he changed?

What a pompous ass. Does he have any good points?

Christ, do people even read what they write? OP is there something wrong with you that you’re ok with all of this?

What a horrid man. You're worth more than this.

I dumped one of these. I couldn’t wash up or even butter toast “correctly”. Plus he criticised how little I sponged my skirting boards (no joke).

You know he'll start doing this with your child too don't you? Is that what you want for them?

My maternity is due to end soon and he thinks it’s outrageous that I think raising my child is more important than my career (which I do have by the way. A degree in my field and way above average earnings for someone of my age etc.) yes I don’t earn as much as him but does that mean I haven’t achieved as much?? He actually said to me ‘I don’t see you achieving anything’

This resonated. My 'D'B kept on talking about and to his ex-wife (note the ex!) in exactly this way. Said she was useless and would never find another job; was punching above her weight when applying etc. She is now ranked towards the top of the top ten in The. World. in her field and is highly regarded by all others in her profession. Eat humble pie? No not him. He still regards the fact his earnings are higher as a measure of achievement despite the fact that there are hundreds of people who could do his job and he is relatively far down the ladder.

I think your OH might be incredibly insecure and the only way he can feel good about himself is by putting others down and belittling them or setting them impossible standards (ie setting them up to fail as in the case of your insurance phone call)

No matter the excuse, I could not live with a person like that. Achievement is individual and personal and should not be measured against other people's expectations.

What a bully!

Can you see yourself putting up with another 18 years of this? Goven that you are unhappy now, wouldn't it be better to compromise your principles a bit and prioritise your career a bit more so you could be independent of him if you wanted to be?

Please limit the amount of time your child spends with this man. It is devastatingly destructive to be brought up with a parent like this. My mother is similar. I’d never heard of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder until ShackUp mentioned it upthread. I’ve know for some time she shows a lot of traits of NPD. The description of OCPD is sending shivers down my spine. I have spent thousands and thousands on therapy to be the person I am today.

Asbergers?

Do yourself and your DC a favour and LTB.