Pretty new here so forgive me if I don’t get the lingo right!
Tricky one, long one so bare with me.
My DM is insisting my little sister is a bridesmaid at my wedding – she absolutely has to and I’m a monster and a shit sister if I don’t have her etc. It got really heated, she’s said some horrible things to try and guilt trip me in to doing this but here’s the reasons I don’t want her to be, and please read past the next line.
My DS is autistic. I love her and one on one we get on very well and have had lovely trips to London, Dublin etc just the two of us.
However, when it comes to being with lots of other people, mainly family, her behaviour towards me changes. This is learned and associated behaviour with my mother. She copies lots of things and sadly she spent most of my life watching my mum shout at me, say horrible things to me, and continually be very negative about me when I’m there and when I’m not. I officially moved to a city a few hours away at 16 after spending a couple of years staying over at friends whilst essentially being homeless. Thus, this is how my sister treats me when she is around me and other family members. She struggles in any situation really where she isn’t getting one on one attention, and that’s fine, I love spending time with her one on one. However, come my wedding day, I won’t be able to do that.
When I’m around family, my sister repeatedly shouts at me a bunch of stuff but there are a couple of lines that are consistent – ‘don’t laugh at me jo’ ‘don’t laugh’ ‘stop talking’ ‘stop annoying me jo’ ‘ you’re not allowed to drink tonight’ ‘I don’t like it when everyone drinks’
So on and so forth. It may seem hard to believe, but all of the above, is often when I’m sat minding my own business, not making eye contact with her, not smiling, not laughing etc – I often sit this way, eyes down, not talking to anyone etc to avoid upsetting her/being shouted at. You may think, oh don’t be so insensitive, she’s autistic, she can’t help it etc . I get that. However, having to sit through entire family meals where I cannot say a word, or laugh without getting told off and often being told off anyway, it takes it’s toll. My partner was completely shocked and very upset the first time he witnessed this. My sister inlaw took me to the side and asked why everyone treats me this way and since then my brother has been a lot nicer to me – I think she had a word – that particular occasion, I lost it and said Jem, I’m not laughing at you or at all, please leave me alone – to which everyone jumped on my back for getting on to my sister, despite me putting up with jibes politely for an hour whilst no one said anything to her about it.
She has negative connotations with alcohol because my dad likes a drink and can be a bit loud, and my mum makes a big thing out of it, which results in stressing my sister out more than is necessary.
You see the above may not seem all that bad, but here’s how I see my wedding day going.
Get ready with my bridesmaids, have some prosecco for the nerves. Fine, lovely time.
If my sister’s there, get told off for drinking, get told I’m making her upset because we are drinking, get told off for smiling, get told off for laughing – all of the while this is upsetting her. This will go on for a lot of the day, as obviously a lot of the day is spent with bridesmaids etc.
So my issue is NEITHER of us will enjoy the day. I won’t be able to give her one on one attention as there will be lots of other things to think about on the day. All of my favourite people in one room, so lots of people to chat to.
Whereas, if she is with my DM or DB etc… they can focus on her and make sure she is enjoying the day, she gets on really well with my brother (she wasn’t a bridesmaid at his wedding though, despite the fact she spends significantly more time with my brother and his wife – my mum worships the ground he and his wife walk on, always has and thus any decisions they made for their wedding were not questioned) and thus she will enjoy her day more and I’ll at least have one less worry of someone enjoying themselves and be left to do as I please without being told off throughout the day?
I’ve explained all of the above to my M but she still says I am unfair and being horrible to exclude my sister in this way. She will probably never get asked to be a bridesmaid now etc etc…
I’d like to ask my younger cousin (8) to be a flower girl but my mum says that is even more disrespectful to my sister. I am very close with my younger cousin, I’ve been an au pair for her since she was young, and I see her once a month or so and we have a very lovely bond.
AIBU?!!?!?!