He hasn't asked me to no he says he isn't keen but as she does most of it it's ok but he would rather spend the time free doing family stuff but he doesn't want to upset her and has said that to me so I thought I was being a good mother.
Causing problems in your son's marriage is the reverse of being a good mother. The problem is that you haven't truly recognised and understood that he is now your equal, and you don't get to walk in, sit them both down, and try to exert understated authority over two adults as they choose how to negotiate parenting their child. They are your equals as adults...and you are very, very much their junior when it comes to decisions about how to parent. You take direction when not asked for advice. You do not advise unasked. And never, ever take it upon yourself to sit down with your son and his wife and try to form a united front against your daughter in law, because frankly, she will then see you as a threat not just to her role as a mum, but to her marriage. And in that scenario, the person who loses is almost always the mother in law. Sad, but true. Your time as matriarch is now over and if you try to play that role, you WILL lose out.
Their marriage, and how they choose to parent their child, is absolutely not your decision. You will of course have strong views because you love your grandchild, but if you value your relationship with your son, his wife and that grandchild, you'll recognise that he is a grown man.
I really do sympathise, because you've loved your son from babyhood and just want to keep being that loving, involved mum now. But the reality is that our kids are on loan. Once grown, they are not ours to manage, assist and advise unless they come and ask. And if they do ask us to interfere in their marriages, unless there is abuse of some kind they are crossing boundaries and need to be nudged back into adult behaviour - so it's a good thing he hasn't!
He is an adult. Please respect that; respect him. It's how to be a good mum to a grown child. You are infantilising him.