Daughter taking a 25k loan out for something she doesn't need!? Is it out job to help her out?

[Reese5]

Hi our daughter is 28 and has a job and does well for herself. She has always been good with money and saves well. 2 years ago she lost half her body weight and honestly we are so so proud of her and what she did definitely inspired me and I wish I could do it. Anyway she has loose skin on her tummy, arms and legs and she wants it all gone. She's absolutely adamant. She won't even just settle on one of those things. She has added it up and believes every procedure she needs will come to around 25k. I was horrified. She saves well and probably has around 3k and I spoke to her and said look why don't you save for each procedure at a time and I'm sure I'm a few years you'll get there. She is adamant she wants it now. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with her trying out online dating and that makes me sad. She wasn't this adamant 2 years ago. She hasn't implied it in any way but if we have the money is this something we are supposed to help out with so she doesn't go into debt. I'm really unsure.

OP, some people spend £25k on weddings - well, your DD thinks there won't be one with the OP

MN are obsessed with home ownership; sometimes it's not the top priority, or even any priority
Finding a partner in plenty of time to start a family, if that's what she wants, may be more important to her happiness.

Her body, her choice - if it's her money
imo since you don't have the money, you shouldn't take out the loan yourself

However, do support her in other ways,
e.g. emotionally - no criticism,
also consultations before surgery, journeys to / from hospital, aftercare, maybe let her move in with you for a couple of years to help save up.

Is her weight stable after 2 years, or is some gradually coming back ?
If she is stable for say another year, then it's a reasonable gamble that she has learned the new habits she needs to maintain.

A reputable surgeon should explain what scars she would have, where and how vivid they are likely to be
and give her time to decide if she will accept that.

Thanks for the info BigChoc. Cross that option off then.

oops: won't be a wedding without the op

why the funny face Bumdisease?

The point the OP makes is her DD is good with money and has saved £3K (in maybe 10 years?) If she takes out a loan for £25K that is a big loan. I don't regard £3K good savings for a single woman with a good job as described by her mum. As I said, if you work it out as savings per year of work, it's nothing. So my worry would be how could she repay a loan.

I don’t think OP is stopping her from getting it by suggesting she should save

It is daughter’s choice but then I do think she should pay for it herself. It’s a lot of money and, while I can understand something like is probably affecting her self esteem etc, she is old enough to understand the consequence of borrowing and spending that amount of money

I can understand something like is probably affecting her self esteem
imo having excessive loose skin is a problem that could cause serious psychological harm, referring to it as 'something she doesnt need' shows a lack of empathy with the daughter

@QueenoftheNights I presumed that she's only been saving since she lost weight, so maybe only a year or so. I found myself at age 20 with hideously saggy breasts after having a child. I split with my partner and decided at age 23 to have an uplift because my self esteem was so low I couldn't even begin to think about dating. It's not like I decided at 16 when I started working to save for a boob job I didn't know I'd need!

"why the funny face Bumdisease?"

Because you have no idea how long she's been saving for, what kind of job she has, if the paltry £3000 she's put away is PURELY for this procedure... or is this just typical Planet MN where everyone has £25k to pull out of their arse?

The risk from acquiring post operative infection is far greater than the risk of general anaesthetic, having all the loose skin removed in one go involves a lot of time on the operating table (another risk), and an extended stay in hospital (increasing risk of hospital acquired infection). I would be extremely wary of any surgeon happy to do this, and even if done privately in the UK, a patient is immediately turfed back to NHS hospital in the event of post op complications/infections. Having legs/arms/abdomen operated on at once would effectively render your daughter incapacitated for an extremely long recovery period.
IMO it would be better to talk to your daughter and identify which body part of loose skin is causing her the most distress, and go for surgery on that first. Just like all the work she had to put into committing to losing the weight, and the time it would have taken (and bloody good on her!), there is no quick fix here that would bestow a happy outcome.

She graduated at 24 and has been working for 4 years in a job that pays around 18k, she does save well.. weird to make a huge assumption that she doesn't because she has saved 3k.

I think she expects to have different procedures but as close to each one as possible

I'm a similar age and lost almost 50% body weight too, about 2 years ago. My loose skin is/was awful so I totally get it and I'd definitely like to do something about it but haven't yet.
I decided to firstly make sure I kept the weight off, and secondly figured there was no point in spending tens of £1000s on surgery, particularly abdominoplasty and other surgeries (I literally need a whole body lift!) until I was sure I'd finished having any children I want (and currently almost 8 months pregnant with #1).

My loose skin hasn't stopped me doing anything I want to, far from it. I reckon once removed I'd probably lose another 1.5-2st and drop at least 2-3 dress sizes as a result. Despite this I still managed to drop my BMI to a level to pursue the career I wanted (BMI limit and fitness tests involved, this was my big motivator), I've run marathons and ultra marathons, I cycle, I gym, I swim etc. I'm not proud of the damage I've done to my body, but I'm proud of what I've achieved and what my body can do, and my excess skin is part of that story of success for now.

Has she seen anyone about the surgery and the implications that it may have? Maybe you could arrange to accompany her to an initial consultation to discuss it. I know the "bingo wing" surgery in particular can result in nerve damage to the arms. Most private hospitals will also offer different payment options which may be better than a bank loan. It may also be worth looking at the NHS NICE guidelines for the abdominoplasty in particular - they don't do it for cosmetic reasons but when I looked a few years ago, some areas would consider funding it if the weight loss hadn't been achieved via NHS funded bariatric surgery and was causing physical (ulcers, infections in folds etc) and/or psychological problems, as well as having other criteria like meeting certain pre and post weight loss BMI, keeping weight off for a specified period of time etc.

I think it's an absolutely essential operation as she is only 25 and this kind of baggage can scar a young woman for life. I live with an awful disfigurement which is what it is for years post pregnancy and only really felt like a normal human being again when I had it corrected in my late 30's. It stopped me doing anything I wanted to do and affected me psychologically very seriously. All of my 20's were wasted as I wouldn't go swimming or to the beach or anything.
It felt like a mutilation.
Whether you choose to help out or not is really entirely up to you but I do think you shouold recognise how damaging this type of disfigurement is at such a young age.

Fwiw I had my abdominoplasty pre-kids and absolutely no complications whatsoever.

She graduated at 24 and has been working for 4 years in a job that pays around 18k, she does save well.. weird to make a huge assumption that she doesn't because she has saved 3k.

Ok- so she graduated late, compared to many, and she earns less than the average salary.

If she has a student loan, and needs to borrow £25K, she needs, as they say, to do the maths.

Will anyone loan her that?

Well done to your daughter, she must have worked very hard to lose that weight and I can understand her disappointment. I am not sure how excess skin effects her daily life in terms of physical restrictions but it might be a good idea to ask her about that . Perhaps it gets sweaty or sore, or pulls in her clothes?

If it’s because she is internet dating and wants to ‘catch up’ with dating that she feels she missed out on from being larger then that is different. I would see the skin as a bit of a ‘twat filter’ to be honest. If someone doesn’t want to date her because of loose skin, that’s their loss really isn’t it. We all get older and, loose our looks, gain pregnancy weight. You want to meet someone who loves you for you, not because you are thin and smooth. Most of us also have restrictions on what clothes we like to wear due to body types.

Having said that we don’t live in an ideal world and I can empathise and completely understand how she feels. Tricky situation, but I agree with the one step at a time approach. Maybe the bits she feels worst about first. Say arms so she can wear summer tops, then thighs or tummy.
Hopefully she will meet someone before the surgery who loves her no matter what and will be supportive of any procedures she decides to have.

Have you come to any conclusion over this? Apologies for assuming she didn't save, but to be fair she did graduate 3 years later than most and she isn't earning much (most starting salaries for grads are around £25K).

I think you have to get your own head around is this a) a moral stance you're taking where you feel it's a trivial procedure for her or b) it's purely about the money.

I don't think (a) is your business and I also think you underestimate the effect it's having on her to have skin like this.

If it's (b) you can help her by researching costs- she's not had an assessment by a dr yet- they may well not want to do it all at once so the cost would be spread.

She needs a clear idea of the costs.

She then needs to see if she could afford or be offered a loan- someone suggested along term loan of 20 years but that is madness- the interest rates on top would send the cost sky high!

If you can afford to lend her maybe 50% she could repay you and have it done formally- if necessary- and stick to an agreed plan like £300 a month or whatever, SO into your account.

I cant believe that she can get a 25k loan on a salary of 18k. So its pretty pointless worrying.