Daughter taking a 25k loan out for something she doesn't need!? Is it out job to help her out?

[Reese5]

Hi our daughter is 28 and has a job and does well for herself. She has always been good with money and saves well. 2 years ago she lost half her body weight and honestly we are so so proud of her and what she did definitely inspired me and I wish I could do it. Anyway she has loose skin on her tummy, arms and legs and she wants it all gone. She's absolutely adamant. She won't even just settle on one of those things. She has added it up and believes every procedure she needs will come to around 25k. I was horrified. She saves well and probably has around 3k and I spoke to her and said look why don't you save for each procedure at a time and I'm sure I'm a few years you'll get there. She is adamant she wants it now. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with her trying out online dating and that makes me sad. She wasn't this adamant 2 years ago. She hasn't implied it in any way but if we have the money is this something we are supposed to help out with so she doesn't go into debt. I'm really unsure.

I can’t understand why you WOULDNT be supportive

It’s her money, her body, her choice

Really, what does it have to do with you?

I can understand her being very upset about the loose skin and it must affect her self esteem. Of course she wants it done now, not in a decade or so. Let her borrow the money but make it very, very clear that she is an adult and is responsible for all the repayments herself. Your money is yours to do with as you wish.

I can understand why she wants it gone and why she wouldn't want multiple procedures/ recovery periods doing it bit by bit.

If you have the money to spare, yes I’d support this and not let her get into debt. If you have it, but you’ll struggle to feed the rest of your family or something then no.

i don't think it's your job to pay for it, if you have that kind of money, you could give her a loan, with agreed repayment terms, so it's interest free, otherwise let her get on with getting a loan, I can see why she wants to get it, I dont think it's for you to decide she doesn't need it though x

I can imagine the amount of loose skin she's been left with could really knock her confidence. It could take years to save up £25,000 and by then she's wasted a lot of her younger years being miserable. I would personally be more worried about the potential risks than the money.

Also, I see why she wants it gone now.

Sorry, I phrased that badly, you are not 'letting' her do anything, it is her choice, but please be supportive emotionally if not financially.

Really what does it have to do with you? It's the OP's daughter, and even when you're daughter's 28 you want to help and support them. I imagine the OP's major concern is her daughter committing to such a large loan at the age of 28 when there are so many other things she might need money for. The OP is not being unreasonable in expressing concern here.

if you can afford it and she can pay it back, I would totally go for it. Taking out a 25k loan with a loan company is going to mean so much interest for her.. but (I would hope) you wouldn't do the same surely?

Are any of the procedures available on the NHS?
Was she overweight when she lived at home?

Do you mind providing a bit more info?

Does she live with you and pay rent?

How much is £25k to you? I.e. is it your life savings or a fraction of your savings?

Has she tried the NHS?

Is it a lot of skin or just a bit?

If she's lost half her body weight then she's probably got a lot of loose skin and feels very self-conscious of it. If she wants to put herself through operations to sort it out so that she can feel better about herself then that's up to her. However, while you should be emotionally supportive, you don't have to be financially supportive if you don't want to be. That's up to you. If I had plenty of money then in your position I probably would, less money then I don't know.

I am supportive but honestly I had 60k of debt when she was younger and the debt really affected my life. I'd hate for her to get in the vicious cycle of thinking oh I'll just take a couple more grand out.

It's not your responsibility to pay for it but it is also not your place to criticize her decision. It's her body, she decides.

I don’t think it’s your job to pay for it but if it were my daughter and I COULD I would. Or at least help her if possible. I understand completely why she would want it done.

She may not be able to have it all done at once though. I know Lisa Reilly had to have two operations.

Do you have the money to comfortably help her with this? Even if you do I would spend it on a flat/house deposit for her instead and let her go into debt for the op.

I do really understand her wanting it though and i wouldn’t say she doesn’t need it if her self confidence is seriously affected by the loose skin. But she should pay for it herself, unless you’re super wealthy.

She lives in a flat paying rent and not with us. Yes she has been overweight a lot of her life.

I don't have 25k spare no, but I have the chance to take an interest free (or close enough) compared to her and although I know it's a bit hypocritical for me to say I'd take a loan. I feel it's very different.

Something she doesn't need?

This has to be a reverse!

If not you're being very unreasonable. If she's lost half her bodyweight, of course she wants to get rid of the excess skin. People borrow sums like that all the time for much less important reasons, new cars etc.

She's young, she wants to enjoy her new figure now. Not waste away years being flabby and flappy while trying to save.

I'm not sure exactly how much skin is on her body, she would never show. In clothes she looks a normal weight though and you can't really notice any kind of excess skin but when I ask about it she just replies "it's bad mum". I can see it a bit on her arms if she is wearing a tshirt.

By something she doesn't need I think it was fairly obvious what I meant by that.

I lost half my bodyweight in my late 20s when I was single. Luckily my skin wasn't too bad - but, my tummy was. I felt I'd worked so hard and now I was left with this old lady tummy and who the hell my age would want to be in a relationship with this baggy stomached baggage-hound? I had surgery... And of course met my husband 3 days after I got out of hospital.

Unless you've had the unwanted pleasure of excess skin you'll not understand. She probably already feels she's lost 15 years of "relationships" her slim friends had.

As a mum to adult children - if I had the money spare I would probably offer, but it would might mean I couldn’t help with a house deposit at a later date, as ultimately I wouldn’t want to give one child more than the others in the long term. So it would have to come out of her share of the final inheritance when I was no longer around.

I think you should let her pay for it herself.

You saddling your self with a 25k loan when you don't really agree with the principal of it is going to come between you and DD as some point in the future.

I would urge caution as presumably she will need to take time off work to recover from each procedure. Has she factored in loss of income and potential damage to her work sickness record. Are any of these covered on nhs? Support s one thing but recalling your debt experience might be appropriate.