Daughter taking a 25k loan out for something she doesn't need!? Is it out job to help her out?

[Reese5]

Hi our daughter is 28 and has a job and does well for herself. She has always been good with money and saves well. 2 years ago she lost half her body weight and honestly we are so so proud of her and what she did definitely inspired me and I wish I could do it. Anyway she has loose skin on her tummy, arms and legs and she wants it all gone. She's absolutely adamant. She won't even just settle on one of those things. She has added it up and believes every procedure she needs will come to around 25k. I was horrified. She saves well and probably has around 3k and I spoke to her and said look why don't you save for each procedure at a time and I'm sure I'm a few years you'll get there. She is adamant she wants it now. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with her trying out online dating and that makes me sad. She wasn't this adamant 2 years ago. She hasn't implied it in any way but if we have the money is this something we are supposed to help out with so she doesn't go into debt. I'm really unsure.

no no no dont go aborad too many horror stories if it goes wrong

I have been thin all my life and am not really fussed about my appearance generally but that doesn’t mean I don’t have empathy for someone in your dd’s position.

I woukd fully support her emotionally but at 28 she is an adult and can sort out her own finances, surely? So loaning her money wouldn’t even cross my mind if I were you. I think although I have empathy I woukd think Differently about the finances if it were lifesaving cancer surgery or IVF.

I MIGHT just think about loaning her some of she was wanting to go abroad to do it on the cheap or in some other riskier cut price way to save money.

Apart from that, be encouraging and supportive, let her spend her borrowed money how she wants to. She doesn’t want it to look like the Bride of Wildenstein, she just wants to look normal.

That said, if she was borrowing beyond her means and getting herself into a risky financial situation I would have to say something as sometime down the line, I would be expecting a knock on the door to ask for money.

Please don’t take put a loan for her. This is a very, very bad idea unless you can comfortably pay it off even if you lose your job. Personally, I wouldn’t be guaranteeing a loan for her either.

Support her emotionally yes, but don’t make yourself fianacialky vulnerable.

A friend, in her late 30s, had this done - it really made a difference to her confidence and she did find her first ( and lasting !) relationship. She did have most of the money- only needed a small top up loan. It was painful and a long recovery , certainly nothing to be taken lightly, but the OPs daughter is young, which will help with general as well as skin recovery. I would help someone dear to me in the same circumstance and would consider it a reasonable priority above a house deposit, controversial though that would seem to be on here.

Of course she should have it done. Why wouldn't she want it all done at once? She has lost the weight and she wants to feel confident about herself. I watched a program about this and a couple of the people said the loose skin badly affected their self esteem and they felt that they couldn't form intimate relationships because of it.

She is 28, independent, not asking you for the money. It's not your call to decide what she "needs" or even if she can afford it. Nothing wrong with talking it through with her and exploring all options if she wants you to but she's 28 and it's her decision.

Does she plan on having children? Because if she does I really wouldn’t bother until after she has finished having kids

But she’s clearly worried that her appearance will put men off and she’ll never get to that stage anyway, Greendale.

OP she can get a lot of this done on the NHS. The reason I know this is because I worked with a woman who was around 25 stones, she lost the weight and got down to about 9 stones. She had all the loose skin and the NHS removed it.
Tell your daughter to go to the G.P and take it from there.

She thought losing weight would change her life, but she's still not happy with her body.

Because she lost half her body weight and has been left with loose excess skin. It's not a case of finding "another thing to fixate on".

She’s not you, it doesn’t look like she’s getting into a spriral of debt, it sounds like she has thought out what she wants and how she is going to pay for it.

It is something time sensitive because if she wants to start a family and have children but doesn’t have the confidence to do that until the skin is removed, that’s time sensitive.

OP she can get a lot of this done on the NHS. The reason I know this is because I worked with a woman who was around 25 stones, she lost the weight and got down to about 9 stones. She had all the loose skin and the NHS removed it.

They very very rarely do it now, in some Trusts not at all. You can look up each Trust's policy online, and even with massive weight loss it is deemed to be cosmetic (ignoring the massive psychological impact it can have on people) and therefore not funded.

I've been through similar weight loss and have researched the area thoroughly.

This article explains the NHS situation well.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/02/i-want-to-cut-it-off-weight-loss-patients-excess-skin

If it was my daughter I’d definitely pay for this. However, it all depends on what you can afford.

If you’ll need to take out a loan, please be very careful that you can afford it. If you did decide you wanted to do it, you might want to consider taking out a loan in your name, at a low interest rate, then get your daughter to give you half of the monthly payment each month.

I don’t think our responsibilities as parents end when our children are 18 or 21 or any other arbitrary age. If you had the money, it would be a wonderful thing to do for your child. Just please be very, very careful about going into debt. There’s few things worse.

No amount of diet and exercise is going to get rid of loose skin, and the chances of having it done on the NHS are next to zero. Apart from the damage it'll do to her confidence, loose skin can become sore, infected, and can impede mobility just as much if not more than excess weight. So yes, I'd say she does need it.

The NHS very, very rarely do this and much less frequently than in the past. You normally have to make an individual application to your local trust and frequently they will be asking for evidence it will cost the NHS more to leave it in place (eg repeated infections, damage to back and joints) than it will to remove.

If you want someone to blame for that then look no further than Josie fucking Cunningham who had a breast augmentation for a very good reason (she could develop zero breast tissue naturally) but whose gloating and Daily Mail baiting has meant those who come after her are turned away.

Of course she is being reasonable. Having loose, hanging skin must be horrific, and make you seriously insecure.

You say she wants to start online dating, so it's completely understandable that she wants to get "in shape" for that.

If she cant get it done on the NHS then she would be better off doing it pay as you go.
A loan of 25K will have a lot of interest on it and no one knows whats round the corner.

I’ve lost a lot of weight recently and although I’m not quite at my goal weight, I have a lot of lose flabby skin on my stomach and it gets me down. And I’m 33, married with children. I’ve talked with my mum about me getting a tummy tuck on finance and she has said she will help out with a deposit so the repayments are lower. She’s fortunate in that she is just about to come into some inheritance so will have a bit of ‘spare money’. I honestly think that if you can easily help your dd out then do so as I can understand how this will be getting her down. On the flip side though, if helping her out will get you into debt or struggles then just be supportive of her decision. People take out big loans for things that are probably seen as less important such a finance on a new car etc.

Her wishes, her loan, but I'd be supportive (just not in the sense of giving any money).

Perhaps you can lend your daugher the money, so that she pays you back a certain amount every month, but with no interest?

Could she move in with you rent free enabling her to pay it back quicker? Assuming her rent and bills are a grand a month plus the monthly loan repayment she is looking to pay may mean she’s repaid it in 18 months.

Has she been overweight since childhood? If so I think you ought to pay something towards her surgery as you're responsible for putting her on the road to obesity.

Personally I can see why she wants the surgery now rather than later. She’s 28, not 18, and wants to live her best life NOW rather than when she’s 33 or whatever. She’s getting older, not younger and might feel like she’s missing out during her 20s as she has to deal with this. Her confidence is probably knocked, especially in regards to dating. She has dealt with either being overweight or having excess skin for most of her life, so I definitely why she has the urge to get a loan and do it sooner rather than later so she doesn’t have to carry around this excess baggage (both physically and mentally) around anymore. I can definitely see her point of view - it’s like she replaced one problem with another. It must be quite bad if she even hides it from you, her mother?

However I’m not sure if taking a loan out is the best idea. I’m really sorry about your daughter’s predicament though.

@HavelockVetinari, not necessarily.