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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter taking a 25k loan out for something she doesn't need!? Is it out job to help her out?

119 replies

Reese5 · 14/10/2018 12:49

Hi our daughter is 28 and has a job and does well for herself. She has always been good with money and saves well. 2 years ago she lost half her body weight and honestly we are so so proud of her and what she did definitely inspired me and I wish I could do it. Anyway she has loose skin on her tummy, arms and legs and she wants it all gone. She's absolutely adamant. She won't even just settle on one of those things. She has added it up and believes every procedure she needs will come to around 25k. I was horrified. She saves well and probably has around 3k and I spoke to her and said look why don't you save for each procedure at a time and I'm sure I'm a few years you'll get there. She is adamant she wants it now. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with her trying out online dating and that makes me sad. She wasn't this adamant 2 years ago. She hasn't implied it in any way but if we have the money is this something we are supposed to help out with so she doesn't go into debt. I'm really unsure.

OP posts:

Notacluewhatthisis · 14/10/2018 15:43

Did ok disappear when people said it was a reverse?

So probably an op that thinks her parents should pay towards her surgery and annoyed they haven't offered?

ZigZagZebras · 14/10/2018 15:52

I can definitely see why she wants it now rather than saving up first.
If its having an effect on her confidence shes probably putting dating/getting on with her life on hold in some ways until she has it done.

Whether its your responsibility or not depends. If she became overweight as a child while you were responsible for her diet/activity levels then I would pay as much as possible in your position. However if she gained then lost the weight as an adult then it would be nice to help her out but I wouldn't feel under obligation to.

EK36 · 14/10/2018 15:54

Why don't you go with her for a consultation. It might be less than what she thinks. They might say that she doesn't need to do as my as she's imagining. This means the price should drop.

Missingstreetlife · 14/10/2018 16:01

Can she afford the loan? That's all that matters, she might spend nearly that on a car. Though it could be sold if neccessary.
Would be better spending it on a property, would you help with that? A gift is ok if you want to, I'm against loans in families as they cause bad feeling, but if she is reliable and you can save her lots of interest....

TAMS71 · 14/10/2018 16:19

I totally get why she would want to do this and why as quick as possible. However I don't think it's a good idea for you to take the loan out for her, better for many reasons that she does it.

BumDisease · 14/10/2018 16:25

"Would be better spending it on a property, would you help with that?"

Is a bloody house going to help her get rid of the loose skin?? Why does every single money thread on this damn site come down to "buy a property!!11"?

Cheetoburrito · 14/10/2018 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aloeveraowyadooin · 14/10/2018 16:39

A person in this situation must keep a stable weight for at least two years after reaching target weight, if not longer. It happens so often that some or all of the weight is regained after skin and tissue removal surgery because food retraining has not got really well established.

It's not what people want to hear - of course the person wants to date, of course they want a relationship but they must make decisions for the right reasons. I think anyone who has been through this (and there are lots of us) will tell you the same. Getting used to the weight loss and the life change takes a long time and nothing should be rushed.

SlothSlothSloth · 14/10/2018 16:48

*Would be better spending it on a property, would you help with that?"

Is a bloody house going to help her get rid of the loose skin?? Why does every single money thread on this damn site come down to "buy a property*

Because with the way the uk is at the moment if you have 25k to spare that’s the single best investment in your child’s future you can make for them. And with a property there will be a financial return on investement, unlike with the operation.

Now we know the OP doesn’t have 25k to spare that obviously changes matters.

I do think the operation is an investment in the future of a different kind. As others have noted it may be the only route to a relationship etc. But I’m not sure I would advise the OP to go into debt for it herself... I could see this causing problems in their relationship down the line...

SlothSlothSloth · 14/10/2018 16:50

If she became overweight as a child while you were responsible for her diet/activity levels then I would pay as much as possible in your position. However if she gained then lost the weight as an adult then it would be nice to help her out but I wouldn't feel under obligation to

Strongly agree with this

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 14/10/2018 16:56

I can see why she wants to have these procedures and if she's going to do it, now is the time to have them done, before she has more responsibilities.

Like PPs, I don't think you should take out the full 25K loan on her behalf, but if you can contribute in some way (and you want to), it would be a lovely gesture. 25K is a lot to repay, but if she's generally good with money and can get a long term loan (say 20 years), she can slowly repay it. The surgery could be life-transforming in terms of her self-esteem.

I'm abit on the suggestion that if she was overweight as a child, you are completely responsible - unless she was really overweight for years. My DD (13) was fine weight-wise until she hit puberty last year and suddenly piled it on. Now she's curvy with bigger hips/chest than me. She plays sport 4 evenings a week and I don't feed her junk. Her brother and I are slim, she takes after her beefy Dad.

Some people have slow metabolisms and will always find it harder to control their weight than others, it's not justpoor parenting.

Sorry, I'm a bit sensitive about this right now!

ToastyFingers · 14/10/2018 17:11

If I could help out I would but I think if want her weight to be stable for 5 years first as I know quite a few people who eventually put the weight back on after the novelty of being Slim and getting lots of compliments wore off.

BumDisease · 14/10/2018 17:17

"Because with the way the uk is at the moment if you have 25k to spare that’s the single best investment in your child’s future you can make for them. And with a property there will be a financial return on investement, unlike with the operation."

But talking about property is irrelevant because the OP's daughter (or OP herself if this is a reverse) wants surgery to remove her loose skin. I don't know how the two are supposed to be related. Of course the surgery won't give her any returns financially but I don't think anyone can put a price on the difference it will make to her mental health, her confidence, HER LIFE.

But who cares if she spends the rest of her life feeling shit about herself and that she's unable to have any relationships, as long as she owns a flat to be miserable in.

Lovemusic33 · 14/10/2018 17:18

Has she actually spoken to a surgeon? Her prices are adding up individual surgeries? Surely if she has all the procedures done a thing once it should be a lot less as it’s only one lot of anaesthetic and only one lot of aftercare?

Go with her and talk to a surgeon, work out the best thing and price and then discus the loan.

I can see why she wants it done, she’s young and it bothers her a lot, it’s knocking her confidence and stopping her moving on with her life.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2018 17:23

Forgive my ignorance, but I'm not in the UK. If the NHS won't pay, could she pay premiums for health insurance and 'go private'? Would private insurance pay for it?

I know that my (US) health insurance will pay for skin reduction surgery in certain (strict) circumstances.

Beaverhausen · 14/10/2018 17:26

Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions and no it is not for you to bail her out. Let her get on with it the only way she will learn is by making mistakes.

BigChocFrenzy · 14/10/2018 17:35

pond Pre-existing conditions aren't covered under a new insurance policy

ASauvignonADay · 14/10/2018 17:37

I think if I could support her financially to do it, I would.

slimjemima · 14/10/2018 17:39

Going abroad to Eastern Europe is a lot cheaper.

QueenoftheNights · 14/10/2018 17:40

Sorry to query this OP but if your DD is 28 and has worked for many years and only has saved £3K, I don't look on that as 'good at saving'. I have adult children who rented for years in the SE paying high rents and they saved a mot more than that, between leaving uni and being 28. How long has she worked? If it's nearly 10 years, she's saved only £300 a year.

1 She needs to see a surgeon and discuss costs. Many private hospitals may offer payment plans. She's guessing at fees. If she had all the work done under one op, it would be cheaper than 3 ops so she's not really up to speed on costs.

2 she needs to go to a bank and discuss a loan and way it up against future loans such as a mortgage.

3 You should not take a loan out for her, but if you have any savings and could spare some, you could top up a loan she gets with interest-free repayment, paid properly by SO each month.

QueenoftheNights · 14/10/2018 17:41

way it up = weigh it up.

JuliaJaynes9 · 14/10/2018 17:41

If it was my daughter I would want to help her but probably I'd want her to cover some of the cost herself

Rezie · 14/10/2018 17:42

I'm a confused about the tone of the qustion. Is the question
"We don't have to help her, right?" Or "should we help her out?"

I don't think this surgery is an useless thing. It will massively help her mental health, confidence and it is the final step in the great work she has done. She also has a job, has not asked for money and as I understand there is no reason to believe that she is not able to pay her loans. I think you need to understand why she is having the surgery and be supportive. Wether you pay it not. If you have extra money, I would give her some since I don't think of this as unnecessary. But you don't have to pay anything.

Mayhemmumma · 14/10/2018 17:43

id be really worried about the prospect of such a big operation all at once and would far rather she spread it out too.

I would offer to go with her to appointments and say I would consider taking the loan out for her if I could feel reassured it is safe and reasonable.

BumDisease · 14/10/2018 17:45

"Sorry to query this OP but if your DD is 28 and has worked for many years and only has saved £3K, I don't look on that as 'good at saving'. I have adult children who rented for years in the SE paying high rents and they saved a mot more than that, between leaving uni and being 28. How long has she worked? If it's nearly 10 years, she's saved only £300 a year."

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