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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter taking a 25k loan out for something she doesn't need!? Is it out job to help her out?

119 replies

Reese5 · 14/10/2018 12:49

Hi our daughter is 28 and has a job and does well for herself. She has always been good with money and saves well. 2 years ago she lost half her body weight and honestly we are so so proud of her and what she did definitely inspired me and I wish I could do it. Anyway she has loose skin on her tummy, arms and legs and she wants it all gone. She's absolutely adamant. She won't even just settle on one of those things. She has added it up and believes every procedure she needs will come to around 25k. I was horrified. She saves well and probably has around 3k and I spoke to her and said look why don't you save for each procedure at a time and I'm sure I'm a few years you'll get there. She is adamant she wants it now. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with her trying out online dating and that makes me sad. She wasn't this adamant 2 years ago. She hasn't implied it in any way but if we have the money is this something we are supposed to help out with so she doesn't go into debt. I'm really unsure.

OP posts:

Stonebake · 14/10/2018 13:02

Hmmmm if you don’t have it spare and need to take out a loan yourself to cover it...? No, I don’t think I’d do that. Not because of what it’s for.

Antigon · 14/10/2018 13:03

What a waste of money if she puts the weight back on.

I wouldn't borrow money for her to do the procedure.

Let her save money for the procedures, she may change her mind.

Yellowflowersgreengrass · 14/10/2018 13:03

I can absolutely see why she wants the operations. However I can absolutely see the OPs point of view. 25k is a huge amount of money. I’d be worried about the amount of surgery going on and what the warnings are with that.

If I were you I would pay for a procedure for her and let her fund the rest of it. You don’t have to help her. Support her though, she is an adult and it is her decision.

Sparrowlegs248 · 14/10/2018 13:03

Has she been to her GP about how this us affecting her life? It's a procedure that has been done on the nhs I'm sure. I also think they wouldn't do all the procedures in one go anyway.

VintageFur · 14/10/2018 13:06

Btw + I'm quite surprised you say she doesn't "need" it yet you haven't seen it. You could either ask her to show you or you could Google it. I think you'll be surprised. My plastic surgeon called it reconstructive surgery.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 14/10/2018 13:07

I would be very sympathetic to that cause, because I think that those circumstances can have a massive impact on long term mental health.

But.......I’m not sure that I would get into debt myself to fund those procedures.it might mean getting into a massive financial crisis and what happens if the surgery doesn’t achieve what she hopes.

Bestseller · 14/10/2018 13:08

I think you're wrong to say she doesn't need it, but it will make a lot of difference to her.

It sounds like a lot of surgery to have at once though, will the doctors even do it that way?

As far as the money's concerned, if she was very overweight as a youngster, I'd be feeling some responsibilty for that and wanting to help out if I could. As a PP said, it depends how much money it is to you. I'd only help if I could afford to give it though. Lending to family members is a recipe for disaster.

I agree with you that debt is to be avoided where possible and in her shoes I'd like to think I'd save until I could pay, but I understand why she wants to get it done now.

fieryginger · 14/10/2018 13:09

I can understand both of your point of view. Ultimately, if she saves good and has a good job, she should be alright finding this money.

From a medical point of view, though I'm not medically trained, is it safer for her to have one general anaesthetic rather than multiple ones??

I think I'd support her, she's done so well, can make up her own mind. This excess skin might feel like a milestone around her neck.

Bestseller · 14/10/2018 13:10

Oh yes, another good point by PP. Where I work we have a very generous sick pay policy, but recovering from cosmetic surgery is considered "elective" and is not covered.

StartingAgain1 · 14/10/2018 13:13

You might not think she needs it but it's obviously affecting her life in a huge way! Before she gets a loan help her research surgeons and take her to a few consultations so she can get a better idea of what's involved. It's major surgery and I would be more concerned that she finds a decent surgeon and properly investigates each procedure, down time and risks.
After having a consultation she might be put off by the reality of it or if she really doesn't need it the surgeon would say no anyway.
In regards to borrowing 25k a lot of people do that to buy a car, improve their home and as long as she can meet the repayments I don't see an issue with borrowing, you said she's good with money and saves money well which indicates she isn't making a flippant desicion

ravenmum · 14/10/2018 13:13

Try looking for "excess skin after weight loss" on Google Images. Under her clothing it could well be long dangly flaps that are basically tucked into shaping underwear to create an OK shape.

She may see this as her only way to get a boyfriend and eventually a family. That's a pretty big thing.

Could you offer her, say, part of the money? Also try going through the calculations with her - if she's only saved 3 thou now, how many decades might it take to pay off the rest? If she sees it worked out as a monthly sum over 10 years, and thinks about whether she'll be working in ten years, if she starts a family, it might mean more than the total.

ravenmum · 14/10/2018 13:16

Also point out that if she gets a loan she is then already in debt. Makes a difference with mortgage companies etc.

ButAIBUtho · 14/10/2018 13:17

Good for her!!

I would fully support her if I was her Mum. Well done to the weight loss as well, brilliant.

senua · 14/10/2018 13:23

You need to be wary of 'magic fixes'.
She thought losing weight would change her life, but she's still not happy with her body.
She thinks that surgery will change her life but who's to say she will be happy after that? She may find some other flaw to fixate on.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/10/2018 13:28

I have dcs in their 20s. I would probably put something towards it eg 5000 but only if l had cash. I would be concerned about them taking out a big loan but at that age couldn't get involved.

BrokenWing · 14/10/2018 13:32

My hair dresser (I've had for 25 years) lost loads of weight in her 30's and got the full body lift, arms etc around 10 years ago in her late 30's and still says it is the best (and most painful!) thing she has ever done.

If you can financially help support your daughter for major life events there is no reason why this would be any different. If you cant financially support her you can emotionally and practically support her.

My only caveat on providing any type of support to proceed is she is not just out of a "diet" and has actually been following a healthy eating and exercise lifestyle as her norm consistently for a reasonable period of time so it doesn't just all go back on after surgery and also she does it via recommendations from her GP and in the UK so they also ensure she is in the right place mentally for such major surgery.

Fontofnoknowledge · 14/10/2018 13:36

To all those suggesting the NHS - think again. One of the greatest concerns to those losing large amounts of weight is the absolute refusal for NHS trusts to help with the problem of excess skin (very wrong in my opinion).

Excess skin after weight loss can have a massive effect on self esteem.

As for doing all operations at once - this is quite normal for the surgery required. It's called a 'body lift' . Makes much more sense to do all at the same time rather than have multiple operations.

She is 28. Probably not had a relationship due to the excess skin. Probably won't have one all the time she is still too self conscious to take her clothes off. This will effect her chances of having children, so very far from 'unnecessary '

MistressDeeCee · 14/10/2018 13:37

It's not your self-esteem it's affecting, it's hers. She's not asked you for the money.

You may think she could use the money for other things but this is THE thing that's upsetting her right now. So.leave her be

She needs support right now, not doubts and criticism. Again, she's not asked you for the money and I hope you don't offer her money then try to tell her to do something else with it. That's not on.

She works and saves well. Its a big loan but she's an adult not a child and you don't know that she won't pay it off. She sounds sensible.

I understand your concern but really don't think it's for you to decide what's "worthy" enough to spend the money on. At 28 she's old enough to know her own mind and try to fix what's making her unhappy m

LongWalkShortPlank · 14/10/2018 13:38

I think the self worth of your daughter is far more important. She worked hard to lose the weight, but has come out of the other side and is left with the excess. Can you imagine working hard to change your lifestyle and still carrying around this excess skin? It's not just that it looks bad. It puts her at risk of infections, it's heavy and uncomfortable. If she has reached her goal weight, been there for a while, I would say encourage her to find the best deal on a loan herself. Don't take it out for her. If she hasn't been maintaining for a while then I think she needs to give it more thought.

LittleBookofCalm · 14/10/2018 13:39

agree with mistress above.
be supportive of her wishes.

is it definitely not available on NHS?

irunlikeahipoo · 14/10/2018 13:40

Tell your daughter to google a website called Real Self
she will find hundreds if not thousands of people who have had full body lifts with both before and after Surgery pictures
They often still post several years later so you can see how they are doing .

They give very honest account of the surgeons and the after care and the costs and the locations
Often the surgeons will answer questions as well

My friend is having a full TT thigh lift and implants after losing 9stone
Shes having this done in Poland total cost is around 7k including a 10 day stay.
I know a lot of people are against surgery abroad but it’s something to consider .

Bluesmartiesarebest · 14/10/2018 13:47

I don’t think you should take on a loan to help your DD. If she loses her job or can’t pay you back it would be difficult. Do you have any savings at all? Even if you can offer her £1k it would be a start. Your DD will need to save up for the surgery she wants, even if it takes her a few years to do so.

Cornishclio · 14/10/2018 13:47

I can understand why she would want the surgery done but I think I too would encourage her to get it done gradually. Firstly having that much surgery all at once may affect her recovery time and also £25k is a large loan and will hinder her efforts to buy a house etc. If you can't afford to help her then don't. Taking out a loan for her would be a mistake I think and will come between you.

Broken11Girl · 14/10/2018 13:47

Hang on, your 28yo daughter is proposing to get a loanm which she wouldn't be offered if she couldn't afford...and that's your business why?

NWQM · 14/10/2018 13:48

I think this is tricky but you taking on £25k worth of debt is a lot if you have doubts. I'm reading it that your doubts are based mostly on whether it's a 'good' use of the money. Is that right - would you consider it if it was for a house deposit?

As others have said I'd be supporting her by making sure she had looked through all the options and understood the total cost of the surgery - interest, recovery costs, loss of earnings to name a few off the top of my head.

I'd support her with recovery.

I'm not sure that I would take on a massive debt for a 28 year old but might give part of any inheritance if I could.

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