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Original poster

Party etiquette- 9 year old girls

103 replies

KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 20:41

Dd at activity party. Half the guests invited to sleepover at birthday girls after the party, much excited chat - in front of all the girls - about the fun they will have that evening. Half the guests not invited to this sleepover but collected by parents. Dd new to the friendship group in the b list. Inconsolable. She's normally a toughie.

Is this normal now? Seems fucking brutal to me.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 13/10/2018 20:48

I think one best friend staying for sleepover would be OK, but not half the party.
Rude.

Shampoo0 · 13/10/2018 20:49

I wouldnt do that but dd's friend did. She was in the invited group though. Don't think it will hurt dd even if she was not invited but that's because she is a toughie.

UrsulaPandress · 13/10/2018 20:50

Thread about this a couple of weeks ago. It's mean and divisive.

heather1 · 13/10/2018 20:52

I think we would be coincidentally doing something else the day if the party

Labradoodliedoodoo · 13/10/2018 20:52

My DD wouldn’t be bothered if not invited as she would only want deep overs with close friends. It’s probably harder for your DD as she’s new and wants to be a part of the group and hasn’t fully established relationships when others have

user1493413286 · 13/10/2018 20:54

I don’t like it; I remember it happening when I was a child and how much it hurt.

LegalEagle99 · 13/10/2018 20:58

Is it mean? They're a gaggle of 9 year old girls and for the child that is turning 9, it's a once in a lifetime event so surely her celebration should be memorable for her? I understand the element of hurt for the children not invited and personally it's not something I would encourage and thankfully my 11 year old daughter simply doesn't have such a mindset, but I don't expect other children to cater to mine so she's not feeling left out. There are plenty of things she hasn't been invited to, especially at school. I've just talked to her about it at the time, not made a big deal of it and thankfully she now just shrugs her shoulders at it all and cracks on with things that interest her.

OP I hope your daughter feels better. Things do get easier as they grow mentally and emotionally.

Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 20:59

I had a sleep over for DD aged 9, all 6 stayed so a few previous years party guests were not happy and some haven't spoke to DD since then.

I had considered an early party too but didn't want to upset the ones not staying. They were upset at no invite. It is tough at 9 but you can't please everyone.

parkermoppy · 13/10/2018 21:00

This seems a regularish thread which makes me sad that it keeps happening to kids! as PP said, it is fine if one kid is staying but not if it is half as it causes a divide in friendship groups. Or even for the sleepover to happen on a different night to the activity makes sense. But this is cruel

CherryPavlova · 13/10/2018 21:00

It’s mean and divisive. Why not an event for the group - cinema and meal or similar, then everyone goes home. Sleepover at a different time a few days later.

donkeysandzebras · 13/10/2018 21:03

I read a thread about this last year and, as a result, changed DD's bday celebrations to a party one day and then a separate sleepover another day. It was a complete pain as it ended up affecting plans for two weekends & I've felt a bit of an idiot ever since as I think every other party has been preceded or followed by a couple of chosen guests staying over. I've also realised my DD accepts this as being usual and understands why. She will come home with a party invitation and say X is having a party and some will be invited to the sleepover. I expect it will be A, B and C. Not once has she expressed disappointment at not going. On one occasions, the birthday girl told DD that DD would be going to the sleepover, I eventually double checked with the mum that DD wasn't invited as I hadn't heard anything and DD was so confident she was going and when I explained it to DD, her response was that the birthday girl was playing more with those people at the moment so it made sense. So this year, we're having a party for a dozen and three back for a sleepover. I doubt DD will mention it much in front of those who aren't coming as she is quite sensitive about that sort of thing but we can't escape the fact that, like all of us, she likes some people more than others in her group of friends.

UserName31456789 · 13/10/2018 21:03

I think this is cruel. I wouldn't let my child host this kind of party.If they wanted a sleepover and I couldn't possibly host everyone it would be on a different day.

Original poster
KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 21:06

Dd is totally fine not being invited to parties at all. But being invited to half then hearing about the fun bit she is not invited to and has to leave leaving half the girls there seems cruel. TBH I would struggle with it at 44!

Dh did the pick up and was furious. Lesson learned from now on I will ask hosts and if this is the set up we decline. Dd was saying " I wish I hadn't gone at all". Sending your guests home in tears - parenting fail.

OP posts:
Cobrider · 13/10/2018 21:06

Mine are much older now but I remember the upset it caused at the time. It was like grading guests and very hurtful when you are six years old. Parents shouldn’t allow it but lots of parents don’t care about stuff like that.

Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 21:10

I don't think it is cruel. Every year since DD started school around 15 came to her Birthday party every year. She wanted a sleep over and should be able to have one just inviting the close ones. She doesn't have friends outside of the school. It was her day if friends and their families want to fall out over it it' is silly.

BarbarianMum · 13/10/2018 21:10

We have done parties of 10-12 guests where 1 stays for a sleepover (this was after trying a sleepover for 12 - never again). Half and half seems a bit A list/B list and mean.

hannnnnnnxo · 13/10/2018 21:12

I know it seems mean but how many children are we talking about in total? Having 3 friends sleep over might be doable, but 6? Where will they all sleep? It would be stressful on the hosting household surely?

HomeMadeMadness · 13/10/2018 21:15

It was her day if friends and their families want to fall out over it it' is silly.

I have to say I hate that attitude of "it's my day I'll do what I want". Even on your birthday you should be considerate of your friends. We're not talking about people falling out we're talking about their feelings being hurt. Why would you want to hurt their feelings birthday or not? Either have just one or two to sleep over or do it a different day.

FriggingMardyCow · 13/10/2018 21:15

It's mean.

YANBU.

Original poster
KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 21:17

12 ish kids 6 stay 6 collected. Dd is not a snowflake normally resilient never seen her this upset. Get mass sleepovers are hideous. Dds own party next week 10 guests we would not consider letting 5 stay and 5 collected as felt too cruel. We would do sleepover another time. But seems others think it's fine and we out of step.

OP posts:
Cobrider · 13/10/2018 21:17

It’s about teaching kindness and consideration for other people but as I said, lots of parents don’t give a damn about that.

FruitofAutumn · 13/10/2018 21:21

By 9 they need to be developin a bit of resilience and realise that there are different levels of friendship and they are not always goind to be everyones best friend

UrsulaPandress · 13/10/2018 21:26

Oh come on there's not being invited at sll And then there's being on the b list.

It's shit.

carr1e1977 · 13/10/2018 21:27

I would say its incredibly bad manners and obviously hurtful for the children not asked to stay over. I definitely wouldn't allow it

HellenaHandbasket · 13/10/2018 21:30

Yup, very mean indeed.

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