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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party etiquette- 9 year old girls

103 replies

KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 20:41

Dd at activity party. Half the guests invited to sleepover at birthday girls after the party, much excited chat - in front of all the girls - about the fun they will have that evening. Half the guests not invited to this sleepover but collected by parents. Dd new to the friendship group in the b list. Inconsolable. She's normally a toughie.

Is this normal now? Seems fucking brutal to me.

OP posts:
Whitecurrants · 13/10/2018 21:31

I would go for the PP solution of a party on one day and a sleepover on another. Otherwise it seems mean to me.

BewareOfDragons · 13/10/2018 21:35

Maybe these are the children that grow up to be brides and grooms that tell people they're not good enough to see them wed or be fed, but can come to the dance portion and bring them a(n expensive) gift to do so.

Original poster
KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 21:35

Maybe ok for older kids who more discreet. Or if one poss 2 special pals stay over. But this age and these numbers I don't think it worked. Well not for us anyway. Dh spends his life dealing with difficult corporate situations and he described this pick up as a "fucking nightmare and bloody awkward". Dd held it together til they got home.

OP posts:
Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 21:36

Then what are the options if your 9 year old wants a sleepover party. A: Only invite the ones that are good friends, they will tell the others they are invited in school anyway so the others will feel hurt. B: Invite the usual 15 from the school and let them all stay over incase you offend then. Or not allow your 9year old have a sleepover. There has plenty of partys DD has not been invited too, and her close friends have and she gets on with it.

Maybe you should explain to your DD that the child still had a party to include everyone and not just a sleepover for everyone.

Believeitornot · 13/10/2018 21:39

A sleepover could be done at a different time to a birthday celebration.

It is divisive and I would never let my dcs do that.

7salmonswimming · 13/10/2018 21:39

I think it’s like evening-only invitations to weddings. I think they’re absolutely appalling, for exactly the same reason: rude and divisive, who wants to be second best? Alright, perhaps the b&g have a huge family and can’t afford any friends during the day so maybe it’s acceptable just sometimes. But for a kids’ party? What on earth does it teach the kids? Not on, in my book.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 13/10/2018 21:40

Dd has already told all nine girls in her class that they are all invited to her birthday sleepover next year. Apparently they’re all bunking down in the living room. It’s all planned. I wouldn’t dream of only inviting half of them, especially now she’s told all of them but I’m rather dreading a sleepover of ten nine year olds. Grin

TeenTimesTwo · 13/10/2018 21:41

Tomatoes Only invite the good friends and don't go on about it in front of others. Others at school understand numbers can be limited.

The problem is the 2 tier party. That is worse than not being invited. "Come to my party and bring a present, but don't come to the really good bit of the party afterwards that we are going to talk about all through the lesser bit first."

Original poster
KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 21:42

I would (and did) explain to my dd that having half the guests staying over and half collected would be mean, so she could have a sleepover another time.

But I don't put the whims of my birthday princess above the feelings of everyone else.

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 13/10/2018 21:43

I wouldn’t let my kids do it - but then I’m the sucker who recently had 9 boys sleeping over for this very reason . It was ..... an experience.

I have to say though that ds has been on the b list before and hasn’t cared. I think dd in that situation would be absolutely devastated though,

eddielizzard · 13/10/2018 21:43

dreadful. Truly a twerpy thing to do.

HomeMadeMadness · 13/10/2018 21:44

Then what are the options if your 9 year old wants a sleepover party.

Have a sleep over a different time or don't invite half of the main party to the sleepover? (one or two would be OK) or just have a huge sleepover.

Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 21:45

I did not have a party before, the party I had was the sleepover but as I said DC that had been invited to previous partys in previous years, school friends got the hump at not been invited. In fact it was January and I'm sure they have had birthday partys since, DD hasnt been invited to any because she done her own thing. At least it shortens numbers for next years party.

Even if this girl only had the sleepover, the others would hear the excitement.

Original poster
KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 21:50

I disagree. Dd said she wished she had never gone at all - she would rather have not been invited than invited to half, be involved in the excited chat, then picked up. Do you really think that's ok? Maybe your dd is older dd is only 9.

OP posts:
HomeMadeMadness · 13/10/2018 21:50

Tomatoesrock

The issue here is the two tier party. It's one thing to not be invited to a party - it can be hurtful but it happens. It's a completely different one to go to a party as a B-list guest and listen to the A-list guests planning the fun bit which is about to happen. You then get picked up while the proper guests stay on.

Personally I'd also be mindful of numbers. For example if there are 20 in a class I would never have a party of 18. If DC had 6 close friends I wouldn't have a party of 4.

ThatWasThat · 13/10/2018 21:51

Teentimestwo has it exactly. Do not have a two-tier party

finn1020 · 13/10/2018 21:52

I think it’s ok. It’s not practical for a lot of reasons to have 10+ kids sleepover, but whatever the reasons for it, it’s up to the birthday girl and her mum and dad to work out. At that age many kids may not actually be comfortable with a sleepover at a house they’ve never been to with a newish group of friends.

Kids need to learn to be resilient and in a situation like this well, she did get invited to the party, so she is part of their friendship group. Why can’t she just concentrate on what fun the party was, instead of being encouraged to think she’s been hard done by and the birthday girl is mean to not invite her to stay? She should be encouraged to look at the positives and realise that sometimes you can be disappointed but it doesn’t mean you have to fall apart. That’s what happens in life.

Its not a fail of the hosting parent to “send” a child home in tears because she didn’t get to stay over. It’s bad manners on your daughters part to spoil things by putting a dampener on the party by crying because she didn’t get her own way.

Original poster
KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 21:56

Dd didn't cry until she got home. She held it together with a big fake smile on her face. She is resilient. But I think this is asking too much. Of anyone let alone a 9 year old.

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 13/10/2018 22:01

Perhaps this is the done thing in this circle. To be honest, if she's only just moved into this school, she's going well to be invited to a party. She can't imagine she'd immediately be on sleepover terms. I think having loads of different events is really hard work. It's happened to my daughter and she's just accepted it. It's pretty standard here.

Whoisshequestionmark · 13/10/2018 22:03

I think thats really shit.

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 22:03

Bloody hell. It is her party she can do what she wants!! It isn't practical to have 12 kids stay, it is practical to have 6. So the friend invited her 6 best friends to stay. End of.

Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 22:04

KERALA1 No I really don't think it is OK. My DD is 9 too and would be upset in this situation I am sure. Did you know there was a planned sleepover afterwards. It was a bad idea the two tier party but could have been well meant, I was going to have a disco for the lot and have 5 and 1 cousin stay, I am glad I didn't now but it would have been with done good intentions so they all had fun Blush

upsideup · 13/10/2018 22:06

Why would it be any different if the sleepover was the next day/weekend? Your dd would probably still hear about it at the party or at school. If she was the only one not invited to the sleepover then that would be unfair but 12 kids at the party and only 6 at the sleepover makes sense, its passes the mumsnet rule of the whole class or half the class and under.
This definately won't be the last time she doesnt get invited to something that she wants to go to, crying and saying its mean isnt going to help.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 13/10/2018 22:08

Bloody hell. It is her party she can do what she wants!!

Surely no one has such a horrible attitude in reality? It's my party I'll do what I want and who cares who I upset? I would never encourage my child to think so selfishly on their birthday or any other day.

No one is saying she can't do this they're just pointing out it's rude and unpleasant.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2018 22:08

I never did this. It was either a bigger party for everyone OR a reduced number for an overnight party. Most of the time my sons chose the reduced size overnight.