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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party etiquette- 9 year old girls

103 replies

KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 20:41

Dd at activity party. Half the guests invited to sleepover at birthday girls after the party, much excited chat - in front of all the girls - about the fun they will have that evening. Half the guests not invited to this sleepover but collected by parents. Dd new to the friendship group in the b list. Inconsolable. She's normally a toughie.

Is this normal now? Seems fucking brutal to me.

OP posts:
FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 13/10/2018 22:09

Why would it be any different if the sleepover was the next day/weekend?

Because it wouldn't be thrown in DD's face when she and the other B-listers were collected. The earlier part of the party also wouldn't then have been spent planning the latter half.

Lizzie48 · 13/10/2018 22:12

I think this is cruel, I would never let my DDs do this. I agree with PPs who have said that the sleepover should be on another night. I wouldn't want more than 2 friends at our house for a sleepover party so I would do the activities party on another day.

I wouldn't want my DDs to be upset in that way, so I wouldn't do it to other children. Hmm

Honeyroar · 13/10/2018 22:12

It IS mean!

I can't get over the parents attitudes of "it's my offspring's special day. If they wants to treat half their friends like shit I will let them". Just because it's their birthday doesn't mean they should be spoiled, rude brats. You need to bring them up with more empathy and manners, someone should have brought you up better!

Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 22:17

Serious Honeyroar. How is inviting 12 ish which I bet was more like 14 DC to do an activity, treating your friends like shit.

Are you invited to all of your close friend and associates events. Surely people understand you cant go to everything, like a pp said if your DD is new to the school it is a positive sign she was invited.

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 22:17

It isn't rude or unpleasent. The fact is it is not practical to have 10+ kids over. So fewer can stay over at the end of the party. Not everyone is 'best friends'with everyone. Sooner that is learnt the better.

CanaryFish · 13/10/2018 22:20

Yes it sounds to me that the main issue here is the main “party” part wasn’t fun for the B list kids because the A list ones were focused on the sleepover , unintentionally maybe bragging or rubbing the others faces in the fact they weren’t invited.
Especially if they didn’t know it was planned when they accepted the invite. And the dynamics of friends that age can be funny - there could’ve been one kid , not even necessarily the birthday girl stirring things up.
“Oh Hey Birthday girl when we’re watching Super Awesome Movie later can we eat the Super Awesome Treats I brought ...Oh DDs daughter you won’t be here teehee sorry !”
And so on.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 13/10/2018 22:21

I don't think it's cruel, but it is insensitive. I've seen posters post about comparable adult situations on here and get very different comments.

For all the importance of teaching 'resilience' (although crappy situations for kids as often rebranded as 'teaching them resilience'), I think informing kids about empathy in action and the importance of being aware of other people's feelings is just as important.

tinabloodysparkle · 13/10/2018 22:21

Totally out of order to have a B list invitation list.

My child wouldn't be able to go under these circumstances, they couldn't handle the FOMO at home time. We'd reject the invitation rather than go as a B-lister. Rude.

nearlythesummer · 13/10/2018 22:22

I could never do that. Of course it hurts to feel you're not worthy of an invite to sleepover, however tough you maybe. One friend, if you must, but not half of them. It's very unkind and unnecessary.

AeolineReed · 13/10/2018 22:24

@KERALA1 some parents are just lacking in empathy/imagination. My DD is 14, and would be very upset by this (and she is the youngest of 5, so is a tough old boot). Your DD sounds like a resilient character (I think she did extremely well at the age of 9 to keep a smile on her face in front of the others), and this will stand her in good stead - but she shouldn't have been put in this position.

The obvious thing for the other girl's parents to do would be to have the activity party and then have everyone go home at the same time. Then their DD could have her sleepover another weekend. Everyone knows that children's birthdays now go on for ever, not least for this kind of reason.

I remember doing 'staggered' parties for my DC - one for the whole class (they had very small classes - 10-15 children), and something 'special' for a particular friend/very small number of friends a week before or after the event.

Petalflowers · 13/10/2018 22:24

To invite best friend to sleepover would be okay. Hoe

RaisinRainbow · 13/10/2018 22:25

Children have varying levels of emotional sensitivity to this type of thing. In a way it.s hard, as as cited by others, this is a common scenario - not being invited. It can sting, even as an adult.
That said, it seems fair and reasonable to me for it not to be a full sleep over, those events are quite something to manage, after a birthday party of under 10s! It would have been worse were your DD the sole non-invitee to the sleep over.
I would acknowledge her upset, but see if she can adjust her perception and explore whether she was enjoying herself at the party - in other words that it was worth going, And that other girls also didnt get invited, and that there will be other parties and fun group events to go to.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 13/10/2018 22:29

It isn't rude or unpleasent. The fact is it is not practical to have 10+ kids over. So fewer can stay over at the end of the party. Not everyone is 'best friends'with everyone. Sooner that is learnt the better.

It is rude and unpleasant because it's obviously going to upset half your guests. Just have your sleepover a different day. Birthday princess will still have a nice time and not upset half her friends.

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 22:32

^^ or you take it as an opportunity to educate your child in realistic scenarios...

FruitofAutumn · 13/10/2018 22:33

Treated like shit indeed !! What an ungracious and unattractive attitude!

I think you and your daughter are rude and entitled.Why do you not teach your DC to be happy and appreciative of being invited to the main event, instead of dwelling on not being invited to the sleepover?

BumsexAtTheBingo · 13/10/2018 22:35

It’s horribly rude. If dd ever got that kind of invite I’d make damn sure I organised the most fun thing I could think of followed by a sleepover at our house for dd and the other b-list children when I picked them up so they could chat about that for the entire party while the a-list talked about their plans.
I can get a 9yo not having the social skill to realise it’s not a nice way to treat friends but the parent shouldn’t be allowing it.

FruitofAutumn · 13/10/2018 22:37
  • I wish I hadn't gone at all". Sending your guests home in tears - parenting fail

yes yours! I would have been livid if my DD had behaved so rudely towards her host!

BumsexAtTheBingo · 13/10/2018 22:38

Would an adult invite a group of 5 friends out for a meal and say that only 3 of them are invited to go on to a club after? It’s fucking rude!

FriggingMardyCow · 13/10/2018 22:38

I see the party girl's mum has joined the thread Grin

Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 22:42

Did you know there was a planned sleepover for the others afterwards. Were some of the sleepover invitees cousins or all friends.

AeolineReed · 13/10/2018 22:42

FruitofAutumn, if you RTFT, you will see that the OP's daughter was anything other than rude to her hosts...

Original poster
KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 22:42

As i said up thread dd was not rude she pretended she was fine and enjoyed hearing about the plans to which she was not invited. She cried in the privacy of her own home. She rarely cries or makes any sort of fuss she's pretty stoic. She is not entitled in any way.

. She would have preferred not to have been invited at all than this.

OP posts:
TheStopAndChat · 13/10/2018 22:42

I can't relate because I know mine would just brush it off. They're good like that so I don't get the angst. None of them have done it though but it wouldn't bother me if someone else did.

I do wonder how many parents would actually decline the invitation if their child was on the invited list? Would they sacrifice their childs spot on the 'A' list to 'do the right thing'? Doubt any would, or would at least be truthful about it.

AeolineReed · 13/10/2018 22:43

And, Fruit, to accuse the OP of a parenting fail (and especially for something that didn't happen) rather negates any suggestion that you would not countenance rudeness in anyone else.

Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 22:45

Friggan Really. Are you the Mum Autumn. I suspected it was an outing thread.

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