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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party etiquette- 9 year old girls

103 replies

KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 20:41

Dd at activity party. Half the guests invited to sleepover at birthday girls after the party, much excited chat - in front of all the girls - about the fun they will have that evening. Half the guests not invited to this sleepover but collected by parents. Dd new to the friendship group in the b list. Inconsolable. She's normally a toughie.

Is this normal now? Seems fucking brutal to me.

OP posts:

kmc1111 · 13/10/2018 22:45

I don’t see the issue with this. If almost every guest was sleeping over and only a couple were left out, that’s different, but a 50/50 split seems fine. Unless your DD was under the impression she and the birthday girl were best friends, at 9 she must be aware of the different types of friendships in amongst a group of 12.

At 9 I think kids need to get used to the fact that there’s a difference between being really good friends with someone and being friendly with them in class/at school, because this is the age when those distinctions really start to matter.

Plus at 9 it’s not like they wouldn’t all know if the birthday celebrations were extended and they didn’t make the cut for the sleepover held on some other night. I don’t see how giving the invited guests an extra week to talk about it at school would make it better.

MerlinsScarf · 13/10/2018 22:46

I agree that the problem is the two tier party, this seems to be increasingly common I think? When I was at school you might have had your best friend to stay over after the party, or had the sleepover of 6 one weekend and the activity party another.

It really takes the shine off the party to have such a big crowd staying on, imo. To say the least.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 13/10/2018 22:49

yes yours! I would have been livid if my DD had behaved so rudely towards her host!

I think you must be the mum (or just a spiteful person). DD didn't behave rudely. She was upset when she got home.

Imagine an adult having a birthday dinner and then only inviting half the guests back to her house for cocktails. The other guests would be livid!

Ohyesiam · 13/10/2018 22:52

It’s mean.
I’m really surprised any parent would go for it, but they do. Where are their heads? Can’t they imagine that maybe get be a deeply uncomfortable experience ?
Do they not care , or lack any life experience/ imagination, or do they li ke playing power games.
Hope your dd bounces back soon op x

IAmBeyonceAlways · 13/10/2018 22:55

Did the party mum realise how upset DD and the other girls were getting picked up?

Poppylizzyrose · 13/10/2018 23:04

Not read all the responses so sorry in advance- surely if half stay and half are going no one has been singled out? What if parents didn’t have space for all to stay? I used to have big sleep overs as we had a lot of room so everyone could stay but, in fairness we were out of control and looking back it was a lot for my mum to take on!

A 50 to 50 split seems quite fair, plus surely pure effort to give up another weekend to the party? Get it all over with on the same day surely or everyone has to be free and dropped off one day then following weekend ect lot more to organise. Also added issue of some making one then not the other or close friends then make it? People have very busy lives.

I would however speak to my child and make sure it’s handled sensitively. I’d go as far to ban her talking about the second half and explain it’s because we don’t have the space so all can’t stay. Also telling the children who were staying in advance and mentioning it was sensitive, and that obviously my daughter had wanted them all to stay. Id explain to my daughter if she makes her other friends feel left out or upset she’d have no one wanting to come next time!

I’d also check with parents that the set up was okay. Forwarned is for armed. Otherwise I would do it. Think it’s an okay idea. More fairer than if only 1 wasn’t staying ect. That wouldn’t be on. 50/50 seems good idea.

ninemillionbicycles · 13/10/2018 23:06

I imagine from what your DH said that the party Mum was more than aware that things were going wrong. She is probably feeling awful and was just trying to keep her dd happy and have as many of her friends included as possible. It was insensitive but "cruel" and "nasty" implies an intent I doubt was there.

Original poster

KERALA1 · 13/10/2018 23:07

Well dh and I have felt obliged to attempt to replicate a fun sleepover by spending our Saturday night watching a minion film and eating haribo. Ho hum dd has bounced back. Thanks for comments all x

OP posts:

bowdownbeforelokitty · 13/10/2018 23:12

Sounds like the child version of the All Day v Evening Guest Wedding invite with A List and B List.

CanaryFish · 13/10/2018 23:15

bowdownbeforelokitty I thought about that but it’s more like sending guests home after the ceremony and the rest get to stay.

Hello1290 · 13/10/2018 23:17

It's not good manners. Birthday girls parents invited 12 guests and birthday girl received 12 presents and had a fabulous birthday party based on the dynamics of 12 guests attending. Then the 6 "B" listers are told to fuck off home ( obviously not literally but I feel I must point this out otherwise I'm sure a poster will soon pop along to say " well they weren't told to fuck off - who said that!) as they had served their purpose.

It's a two tier system and not nice especially for a 9 year old to be on the receiving end. As others have said even in an adult scenario this would be harsh.

Birthday child should just of had a party and sleepover with the A listers.
But no - birthday child/parents wanted this activity to happen and needed a set number of guests for it to take place and once it did couldn't have cared less about those that were only invited to make up the numbers.

I hope your DD cheers up soon OP what a rotten way to be treated.

Poppylizzyrose · 13/10/2018 23:22

So if I end up with a v popular child I have to let all her friends stay over, extra costs of that on top of things I’ve already paid for?....

I don’t think it was meant to be mean, I do
Think it was handled poorly and not explained. I’d let mine have a party of 20 and I’d budget for it, but maybes only 5 would get to sleep over. 50/50 is a fair ratio.

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/10/2018 23:26

You're not being unreasonable @KERALA1.

My experience is either one or two best friends sleeping over after a bigger group party, or all sleeping over.

One of DD's best friends had a sleepover party just last night for her 8th birthday - 6 girls altogether, all 6 girls slept over. If she hadn't had a sleepover party, a few more might have been invited, but her mum capped it at 6, as that's all she could accommodate over night.

Putting aside care and consideration for all your little guests, I'd hate to have the fully deserved judgment of other partners, thinking I'm that socially inept as to organise something like this. I mean, it's not as if all the parents aren't fully aware of what's going on, let alone the kids.

Inviting roughly half and half in a clear A list / B list divide is not something I've ever encountered, which suggests the parents of my DCs' friends have a basic level of cop on.

Poppylizzyrose · 13/10/2018 23:26

Plus it’s a saint who’d want those numbers at their house! What if ones suddenly poorly? What if they all fall out? It’s about management too, I bet the parent thought realistically of how many they could handled, ops daughters new in the group and not that well known yet.

Really don’t think it was meant to be harsh :/

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/10/2018 23:29

*judgment of other parents

Fluffysunshinepants · 13/10/2018 23:33

My daughter experienced this, group of four friends, she was the only one left out. Put a brave face on it but was very upset. It was purely by chance because we had been asked to take one of the other girls to the party so naturally I asked if she needed dropping off, mother had problems with her car, only to be told she was sleeping over.
Although children can choose who they wish to end, I just wish they were more discreet to save to much heartache

tempester28 · 13/10/2018 23:34

My dd went to a sleepover party she had a great time but the next day was very tired ect. over the course of the afternoon she slowly told me that so and so kept talking and so and got upset and......... 3 weeks later she was invited to another party with sleepover after for some of the girls and it was written on the invitation that she had been invited to the sleepover element. My daughter told me that although it was written that she was invited to the sleepover she was only going to the party element (she is 10 and very outgoing and sociable) The day before the party I asked her why it was a sleepover invitation and are you sure they are not expecting you for the sleepover, but she said no and she had talked about the party with her friend ect. She was a bit evasive about it and I didnt want her to feel upset about not being invited. The party was a great activity and traditional tea and games in the garden afterwards which my daughter really enjoyed. The party girl is lovely and my daughter really likes her.

Later that evening she told me she had a great time and we chatted about the party and then she told me she had been invited to the sleepover but didnt want to go to any more sleepovers as they are exhausting. She had been to another sleep over weeks prior and to her cousins twice in the previous 6 weeks so I think she had had sleepover overload. The point is that some kids won't want to go to the sleepover and can just enjoy the party. But it seems so divisive for some kids that I would not do it myself.

FruitofAutumn · 13/10/2018 23:49

Ho hum dd has bounced back.

so no harm done! what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and your DD is a little bit stronger, a little bit more resilient, a little bit more grown up. Good on her!

mammmamia · 14/10/2018 03:13

Those saying that it’s the kid’s party and they can do what they want - these girls are the future Bridezillas providing fodder for many a future MN wedding thread

WalkingTed · 14/10/2018 07:47

I'm not too sure if this is all a bit grabby.... increases amount of gifts received and at the same time puts friendships in ranking order. Hmmm not sure Id do it but each to their own I suppose.

GreenandBlueButterfly · 14/10/2018 08:06

I think it's rude and it should have been done on a different day. Can you imagine, as an adult, if you were invited to a dinner party and right after pudding you were asked to leave, as the after dinner conversation was only for close friends?

somersetblue · 14/10/2018 09:57

I’ve never come across this and I think my nine year old would be horrified at the idea- either hosting the party or being invited/not invited to one. Girls are incredibly sensitive at this age and you’re just deliberately stirring. Her friendship group still does regular afternoon parties/treats out and sleepovers are for one friend on different occasions. I won’t be considering en masse sleepovers until she’s at high school, if then- there’s no way I’d have more than two at the same time at this age, we prioritise sleep! They can all camp away together with Brownies, school trips etc not in our front room

BumsexAtTheBingo · 14/10/2018 13:45

I don’t believe that any parent thinks that 9yos will be delighted to attend a party where half of them are giggling about the sleepover afterwards and then they have to leave while the others carry on the party. Poor manners and not a way adults would behave so why teach kids it’s fine to cast aside the feelings of some of their friends.

gamerwidow · 14/10/2018 13:49

I wouldn’t like this I think either have just one or two sleepover or everyone sleeps over. If you don’t want everyone to stay then only invite the small group to start with.
Much easier to cope with not going at all then going and being the one left out.

slimjemima · 14/10/2018 19:29

I think it is ok to have a bigger party and just a few close friends to sleep over.

Much easier to cope with not going at all then going and being the one left out.

It wasn't one left out, it was 6 staying and 6 going

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