to ask if you can afford a 'private' school in the UK but have chosen to send your child/children to a state school why?

[Foreverexhausted]

My three year old DD has just started a nursery attached to a fee paying school. I chose the nursery because it is by far the best nursery in the area but unfortunately we can't afford to send her to the school itself as fees are £15k per year per child and we have two children.

We have friends who could afford private schooling but their children are in state schools and then others who can't afford it but are just scraping by because they like the status of children attending a private school.

We don't live in the UK, and our kids go to private school where we are - the state primary they went to in the UK was easily on a par with the quality of education they're getting here (in fact, the school boasts that they are using the 'British System'.

If we come back to the UK then we'll look at the schools around us and make the choice based on what's available - rather than sending private just because we could.

I went to a 'good' state school but most of my uni friends went to private - and they all had way way more opportunities than I did.

They had the opportunity to learn musical instruments, play a wide range of sports, learn different languages, go on amazing school trips, more choice of A level subjects, A level subjects weren't dropped if there wasn't enough interest, their teachers often had PhDs.

I would have flourished in this environment. I had none of these opportunities through my school. Admittedly I got to the same university as them, and ended up with the same degree as them, but I would have loved the sort of opportunities that they had.

My parents sent us to state school.

They were teachers and if they saw something they weren’t happy about/fell below expected standards they pushed for change.

Because of my parents working for their children, the educational standard was increased for all of the children at that school.

I, perhaps naively believe in n the idea of society. If we are all in it together then we all fight to make it better.

It kind of saddens me that you have to ask the question OP.

Seriously, can’t we all see the benefit of us all working together to make the world a better place?

Going private is opting out of society in my opinion.

My husband attended a religious private school and it constantly boasts about its charitable work and how much they encourage the children to understand poverty-I’m thinking maybe just don’t send your kids to a school where everyone is rich in the first place you dafties?! .

if you are a very, very engaged stay at home parent, a good state school is good. if you work fulltime, need after school care, and think beyond the curriculum, a good (!!!!) private school is miles ahead

Sorry, but I don't agree. I have worked full time since dd was tiny, but I'm still very, very engaged , I certainly think beyond the curriculum and don't believe that the private schools are miles ahead at all.

As I said above, it all depends on individual schools and individual children. It is impossible to generalise. I certainly wouldn't criticise those who choose private education for whatever reasons they might have. As I said above, we all do what we believe is the best thing for our children.

We have 4 children and have chosen to send them to the school that suited them the best.

Right now I have 2 doing A levels 1 GCSE and 1 in Uni and over the course of their schooling we have used

1 infant
1 Junior
1 private primary
1 primary
1 Danish school for 6 months for 1 child (Who spend 6 months with my sister at her choice and adored it)
2 secondary comprehensive
1 Grammar school (live in Grammar school area)
1 Selective church school.

The best 2 were the private primary and the selective church school the worst one of the comprehensives (where we moved our daughter out of within 5 months her having got very depressed and getting no support from the school she joined her older sister in other comprehensive and is still there for A levels doing well and is supported amazingly by the staff there)

We moved and this meant the private school stopped the primary they joined was a great local community and it was the right choice at that time.

That is how I view schools. I look for the one thats right for my child. Not for the private/state...

I was sent to a private school an hour's bus ride from my parents' home. It meant that I had no local friends and no connection to the community where I lived. I had plenty of friends but they were school friends. My mum thought sending me to brownies and Sunday school would automatically integrate me, but every other child there went to the local school, the leaders were all part of the community with links to the schools, I was thoroughly an outsider. The fact I didn't go to the local school and didn't have the local accent, meant they wrote me off as "stuck up" from age 7.

I mostly liked my private school, and in fact asked to board from age 12. Private school just totally isolated me from the community my parents lived in. I've no reason to go back there except to visit my parents, no identification with where they live as home in a wider community sense. Private school friends are mobile and scattered all over the world.

My old school friends have very ordinary jobs such as teaching and nursing. Loads are sahms. Private school made no difference to careers. I think only elite public schools give automatic antiquated old school tie privilege which some parents might want to buy their children.

I swore I'd send my kids to local schools as I think roots in the community and local friendships enhance childhood beyond anything private schools offer. Being different can be shit as a child.

If you live in a city and there is a private school down the road and the local state is in special measures my reasons wouldn't apply, but if you live in a village or small yown with good state schools I'd think seriously about local friends and being part of the community.

mY Dc go to a grammar school, which I think is better than private

We live in a Grammar area with a really good 'comp' too. There are private secondary schools but they're very much second choice, generally for those who don't get into the Grammars.

There are preps here which we looked at when we first moved up but there didn't seem to be any real advantage (other than wealthier parents at the school gate!). The % getting into Grammar school is how they market themselves but the local state primaries do very well too. In DC's primary 50% went to Grammars.

The local paper was forever printing articles about what DC in the local preps had been doing eg cookery clubs and visiting fire stations etc. My DC's state primary did those things too but it just wasn't reported.

Final thing.. My friend worked as a French teacher in a local private school. No qualifications, just happened to have lived in France for her teens. She couldn't have done that in a state school she had to do a PGCE. Private doesn't necessarily mean better.

others who can't afford it but are just scraping by because they like the status of children attending a private school.

Of course that’s the reason families scrimp and save to send their kids to private school

The state option here is very good. Private is marginally better but not enough to justify the massive outlay.

We both went state ourselves and did very well.

Our kids bright and fit in well socially both have nice groups of friends. We embedded in community their friends live within walking distance which we like. We fill in gaps with extra curricular stuff. Local state school is single sex which we like.

My only experience of a child in private education was the 14 year old daughter of a workmate of mine. The only way they could afford it was by both sets of grandparents chipping in. We had to put up with endless boasting about the wonderful school, teaching, facilities, etc.. How the children were taken to a nearby church for a religious assembly three times a week. One day the girl came to our work, and I was chatting to her about school, and she mentioned that even after nearly four years at the school she still didn't know "that thing you have to say". Guessing wildly, I said "Do you mean the Lord's Prayer?" and she looked blank, so I said "It starts off with 'Our Father' ", and she said "Oh yes, that's it, I don't know that, and I don't know that thing you have to sing either." I guessed again, and said "Do you mean the National Anthem?" and she again looked blank, so I said "You know, it starts 'God save our Gracious Queen'", and she said "Oh yes, that's the one.... I don't know that either" So I said "Oh dear, I can't believe your Mum is paying all that money, and you don't know those things" Her reply? "Well.... I don't even like football!".

I went to a private school and the thing I noticed was that the children came from such a wide area I could never walk to friends houses. When I left at 16 I went to a college and met my (still) best friend who it turns out lived a 5 minute (max) walk away.

I wanted mine to walk to the local school at the end of the road and meet people walking and be part of the community - there are two schools at the end of our road and pretty much everyone in the area goes to them so she knows people in all the extra curricular stuff she does.

Because well, why would we? The state primary is lovely, nurturing, and 5 minutes walk away, and I have no reason to believe my child won't thrive there. We will consider private for secondary if we have reason to think it will advantage them but for primary I would rather my kids have a short walk to school, strong community links, and support without academic pressure than have to travel by car to a more pressurised environment.

We did private primary. We didn’t get any of the five schools we “chose” when selecting a place, and the local private prep is excellent and massively closer than the school DD was allocated a place at.

For secondary she chose a state grammar over the private option.

I just don't think it's worth the money. I'd rather help my child out with money for a house deposit, savings for when they are older etc.

My siblings went to private school and haven't done any better than I did. They also have some really snobby attitudes which I can't stand.

At primary, I thought the state option was genuinely better than private. The state school was very play based, inclusive, good results, was genuinely the heart of the community and only 5 mins walk from home. By comparison, the nearest private prep (attached to a hugely successful and well known secondary) was into very formal teaching, kicked out 5 year old who didn't fit the mould (yes, really), apparently had an awful lot of very stressed kids, and drew their catchment from miles so playdate would difficult. It really was a no brainer.

However, I find it less clear cut at secondary. Our only options for state secondaries are all OFSTED requires improvement and not great. Our closest secondary is a private school that is regularly included in lists of top 5 schools in the country. My dc got a place there and after much angst we turned it down. If we only had one dc we would almost certainly have sent him, but the sacrifices we would have had to make as a family to send all 3 of the kids private seems insane. We're opting for tutoring to plug the gaps and using the £17k a year we are saving to widen horizons. The massive advantage of staying state is that he has moved up to secondary with his fabulous group of friends from primary.

I think that's really important quartz I loved having local friends. Dh secondary was an hour on a bus he hated it and strongly didn't want that for our kids. Our friends son about to start a school 50 minutes from them, friends were explaining how marvellous the school would be etc but on the way home dh said he felt really sorry for the lad.

We haven't done it as we have an outstanding primary and secondary school in our area, so for us it seemed like a waste of money. If the school situation changed then we would consider it.

LethalWhite your DH may be a teacher but quite frankly he is talking nonsense. There are great teachers in both state and private and to suggest that the ones in private are lazy and sub par is just insulting and rude and quite, quite incorrect. Almost all the teachers my sons had held PhDs or at least a masters degree in their field. They were passionate about their subject and worked hours beyond their contracted hours to help students. They were frequently in attendance at weekend sports and cultural outings and were inspiring and damn good teachers. They chose to work in private because they wanted to work with disciplined students in small classes. The pay us generally better in private so frankly, the schools can employ only the best. You sound ridiculously bigoted against people with money and frankly if your husband is a state school teacher, contrary to what you suggest, unless you are a corporate lawyer you wouldn't be able to afford a top private senior school.

Tbh most ppl here live in areas that win in terms of postcode lottery for state schooling as they can afford to pay a premium for those houses.

Bertiesgal perhaps your parents were listened to because they were teachers?

My experience as a parent has been that teachers, schools and council do not want parents interfering as they know best. There is no power to influence for a normal parent. My children cause/ have caused no trouble at the school but beyond that they have no effect on the education of others for good or ill.

I am glad that there is some diversity of education even if sadly it's not open to all who would want it.

We can afford to send our DC to what is currently related the best independent school in the U.K. but don’t. Reasons :
We don’t believe in buying privelege in this way.
It’s so expensive that it’s full of brokers and gangsters kids and is elitist in the extreme. I don’t believe that sending my kids to that rarified atmosphere will help them get on with ‘normal’ people.
We’re both working class done good and the idea of private schooling doesn’t sit with us. Our society is already incredibly unequal as it is.

A relative of mine has sent her teen private since juniors or perhaps before, all paid for by grandparents. She's since had another chold with a big age gap, who's just started state primary - I do wonder how the equal treatment will pan out and whether the grandparents will also shell out for the second child to switch to private in a couple of years.

The teen certainly has an off putting superiority complex, plus despite not having moved house she's been to multiple schools, mostly because her parents seemed to keep moving her in the hope of finding the "right" friends somewhere. That does seem to happen a bit more with private school - school is a consumer commodity and there's more shopping around. That does mean potentially less stability.

My comments about being part of the local community and having local friends above also apply to that relative - she's also quite isolated dsy to day outside school.

I’d rather save the money and help them get a start in life as young adults, university or vocational training, starting a business etc. I work with a lot of privately educated men and they aren’t better educated, better mannered or more well rounded. The opposite in fact as they have the breathtaking arrogance that I find often comes either public school boys.

Why we chose our local comprehensive school rather than private;

-Our local state school are good
-Our local school is 5 mins from our house.
-I wasn’t against saving £1000’s and £1000’s
-My kids were all bright and hard working so not disadvantaged by going to a state school
-hate the pompousness of many private schools
-deeply dislike the unfairness created by private schools
-was able to help and guide my kids myself re University etc
-liked the fact the kids mixed with a good cross section of students including students from disadvantaged backgrounds etc

TBH I dislike all selective schools (religious schools and grammar schools)

However, had I thought my kids needed to move to a private school at any time we would have moved them. Morally I HATE the fact private schools exist but I would put my kids well-being first.