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Original poster

WWYD Mother verbally bullying her children

137 replies

Nameynamechangeforthis · 10/10/2018 17:44

I spend about half an hour every week at an activity for my DC's. There is another parent there with two of her 3 DC's. It seems to me that at best, she is struggling with parenting and at worst she is a massive bully. Every week she spends the entire session berating her children, in particular the eldest boy who is nine. She just goes on and on at them over something trivial until they cry. Today it was because they didn't offer her a sip of their drink. She was going on at them because they don't speak nicely to her (they do) In the course of the conversation the oldest boy was saying to her 'but you don't speak nicely to me, you're always shouting at me and you slap me and smack me and you pinched me'. He just sounded so sad. Her verbal bullying of them is absolutely relentless. She doesn't say anything so bad it's just a constant stream of 'if you can't be nice to me i'm taking your xbox away' when they really haven't done anything today.

I know their first names and school would I be unreasonable to email their school?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 10/10/2018 20:22

When I first started using MN the prevailing attitude was mind your own business, it's just a snapshot

The thing is that this is not "just a snapshot". This is being witnessed several times a week.

We all have our off-days and sometimes let ourselves and our children down, but this is obviously not the case here.

birdonawire1 · 10/10/2018 20:25

I recently saw an article by a victim of childhood abuse. He said if anyone ever suspects children are being harmed they should report it to the authorities. If they was no abuse then no harm was done, and if there was it could save a child. No one saved him.

Ignore the advice to ignore the abuse, because that is what it is. Emotional abuse and maybe worse.

Rainbowtrain · 10/10/2018 20:26

Could you have a word with the group leader, who might have the obligation to report as well?

BrickByBrick · 10/10/2018 20:27

Yes report to the safeguard lead at the school, I guess you know the first names so they should be able to work out who they are.

I wonder though if the boy said what he said in the hope that you would hear it and do something about it. It takes a lot of guts to actually open up to someone about that, but easier to hope that someone might act on what you are saying.

BrightonGallery7 · 10/10/2018 20:27

“Mind your own business.” Huh?
I cannot believe an adult responded like this on Page 1.

Report her, OP.

Bobaboutwhat · 10/10/2018 20:27

Everyone has a duty of care towards all children, the ‘mind your own business’ attitude is so outdated and inappropriate. You should feel proud that you care OP - you could call your local MASH (multi agency safeguarding hub) for advice.

BrightonGallery7 · 10/10/2018 20:30

birdonawire1

I recently saw an article by a victim of childhood abuse. He said if anyone ever suspects children are being harmed they should report it to the authorities. If they was no abuse then no harm was done, and if there was it could save a child. No one saved him.

That should serve as a salutary warning to those who dismiss such behaviour so lightly.

HolesinTheSoles · 10/10/2018 20:31

I never understand the responses along the lines of "well this might have been a bad day", or "you can't tell for sure just mind your own business". SS don't remove children on the basis of one phone call, they investigate and check everything is OK. If everything is fine then it'll be inconvenient and a bit annoying for the mum but no harmed done. If everything isn't OK the children will actually get help.

EK36 · 10/10/2018 20:36

Yes I agree. Tell the school. They can chat with him and see if he wants to tell them anything that's bothering him at home. You may be saving him from years of emotional abuse.

HildaZelda · 10/10/2018 20:38

I was that child OP. Nobody reported it and nobody helped me. I often wonder if my life would have been different if someone had. Please report it and thank you for caring x

joanslegs · 10/10/2018 20:40

Bless you for caring, of course report it - have a look on your local council website for social services, or there will be something like a care line you can call.

To those business minders - in the Victoria Climbie case it was the taxi driver who did the most important reporting, not one of the many other agencies involved

WWYD Mother verbally bullying her children
MsMotherOfDragons · 10/10/2018 20:41

I would contact social services directly with details of the first names, school and the class you are attending together.

As others have said, it's not like it's a one off -- you're witnessing this behaviour on a regular basis when you see them.

Riv · 10/10/2018 20:44

Is the activity an official one, i.e. one run by an organisation, sports club, leisure centre, community group etc? If so you could report it to the organiser. They will have had child protection training and they can deal with and forward the concern as easily as the school.

Knittedfairies · 10/10/2018 20:47

I didn’t say it shouldn’t be reported; of course it should, but I think Sovial Services or the NSPCC would be the way to do that.

Feefeetrixabelle · 10/10/2018 20:47

Report to the school. They can identify the child from the information you give and act accordingly. Anyone here saying mind your own business should be ashamed. Every child has the right to a happy childhood.

Riv · 10/10/2018 20:51

When doing our regular child protection training the mantra that is pushed at every opportunity is:
If in doubt (about reporting anything) there is NO doubt, (you must report it.)
Your piece of information might be the key piece in a larger jigsaw. It might not be, but the only person who can decide hat is the person completing the jigsaw, (Usually Social Services ) not the piece finder (you!).
Well done for being concerned OP. You are right to be concerned. You'd never forgive yourself if it turned out later that you had ignored something important. If it turns out to be nothing, at least it will have been investigated by someone who can see a fuller picture and you've done your part.
It takes a village and all that.

Tidy2018 · 10/10/2018 20:53

Please tell the school, give them all the identifying details you can, and quote the little boy as you have done in your OP. The rest is up to the professionals.

Noboozeforme · 10/10/2018 20:57

Don't go to the school. Some schools are shocking bad at reporting CP concerns (though it has totally gotten better over the years). You should be able to do a written report to MASH via your local authorities web site and then they may contact you.

Never be afraid of getting it wrong .. only be afraid of getting it right. You could be the missing jigsaw peice for this child.

Lizzie48 · 10/10/2018 21:04

*How intrusive of you to want email the school!

You see a snippet of the day.

Mind your own business*

Except it isn't just a snippet, the OP has said that she sees this mum regularly and this is how she interacts with her DC on a regular basis. The mum's attitude sounds very worrying to say the least.

Anyway, as has been pointed out, SS are not going to remove the DC on the basis of one telephone call. It could lead to the mum and her DC getting the help they need.

Menolly · 10/10/2018 21:08

I know their first names and school would I be unreasonable to email their school?

you wouldn't be unreasonable but as a safeguarding lead at a school my response would be to encourage you to tell social services as well. I would pass your concerns along but "someone has told me they have witnessed this this and this" is far less useful than "I have seen..." because I can't provide any additional info where as SS could ask you follow up questions/to clarify bits.

eggncress · 10/10/2018 21:10

Yes definately report it to the school and/ or ss. Poor kids being abused by mum by sound of it. If ever there was a time to not mind your own business, this is it.

The school may have an idea that something is not quite right already.

Redgreencoverplant · 10/10/2018 21:10

Please report it. I was crying out for someone to do that when I was a child.

GetOnYerBike · 10/10/2018 21:11

If schools are "shockingly bad at reporting CP concerns" then they should be reported for it. When Ofsted inspect a school the first thing they look at is safeguarding.

I have just had to read the new safeguarding policy for the primary school in which I volunteer. Then sign a form to say I have read and understand it.

It is very clear that any worries or concerns should be reported in school. They have a system in place to assess/escalate issues and also consult with multi-disciplinary agencies to seek out the best way to help a child at risk.

Contact the school and ask for the designated safeguard lead. In my school it is the assistant head but other safeguarding officers are Senior Leadership Team members. If you were to email in it would be treated with the same confidential manner that all issues are dealt with.

nancy75 · 10/10/2018 21:13

Op, I am the safeguarding officer for an after school activity /club in this situation I would be happy you had reported to me & would forward the concerns.
If you don’t feel happy going to the school /social services please find out if your activity has a safeguarding officer.
It may be that this parent has already been flagged up & your comment is just what’s needed to make someone take this seriously.
Please don’t mind your own business

BrightonGallery7 · 10/10/2018 21:14

Glad to see reason and decency have prevailed.