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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD Mother verbally bullying her children

137 replies

Nameynamechangeforthis · 10/10/2018 17:44

I spend about half an hour every week at an activity for my DC's. There is another parent there with two of her 3 DC's. It seems to me that at best, she is struggling with parenting and at worst she is a massive bully. Every week she spends the entire session berating her children, in particular the eldest boy who is nine. She just goes on and on at them over something trivial until they cry. Today it was because they didn't offer her a sip of their drink. She was going on at them because they don't speak nicely to her (they do) In the course of the conversation the oldest boy was saying to her 'but you don't speak nicely to me, you're always shouting at me and you slap me and smack me and you pinched me'. He just sounded so sad. Her verbal bullying of them is absolutely relentless. She doesn't say anything so bad it's just a constant stream of 'if you can't be nice to me i'm taking your xbox away' when they really haven't done anything today.

I know their first names and school would I be unreasonable to email their school?

OP posts:
Losingthewill1 · 10/10/2018 18:12

Report it she sounds like an aweful woman who needs a visit from social care.

Also to the people that say mind your own business you are the people responsible for why abuse goes unnoticed

PositiveVibez · 10/10/2018 18:12

I would definitely email the school if I had their names.

It's something that would really play on my mind.

It's not 'passing the buck' at all. It is alerting the school to the mum's concerning behaviour.

My mum (72) seen some girls on the bus basically being sexually assaulted by some other school boys. She told them to leave the girls alone and the boys just laughed. She also told the bus driver, who did nothing.

They had their uniforms on and she contacted the school the next day and spoke to the head.

As it turned out, the girl's parents had already contacted the school and it was being dealt with.

Should she have ignored the abuse?

ApolloandDaphne · 10/10/2018 18:14

I am a social worker and I think it needs to be reported. You can pass on concerns through the NSPCC and they are very good and making sure it gets to the right people. This could be the tip of s massive iceberg. If she is like this in public with her DC imagine what she might be like in the privacy of her home? We all
Have a responsibility to protect the children in our community.

MacosieAsunter · 10/10/2018 18:18

It's important that it stays confidential. I wouldn't email. Unless you are sure only the headteacher reads it. People gossip.

The HT will not be the names safeguarding officer, that will be a deputy or assistant head in most cases.

As said up the thread, your LA has safeguarding team, it's not difficult to google them. You have then done your duty and they will follow up the case if they deem it necessary.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 10/10/2018 18:18

I agree that safeguarding children is everyone’s responsibility but that this should be reported straight to social care and not school. It makes it a second hand thing; you witnessed it - follow the appropriate channels.

Paleshelter · 10/10/2018 18:26

Well done OP on being concerned, can't believe the one saying mind your own business. Abuse of children, elderly, any vulnerable group is unacceptable. Agree with others that if she is doing this in public, goodness knows whats going on at home although the poor boy has verified she hits him. Ive witnessed stuff in the past on the street that I wished I'd done something about although I didn't know who the people were. Good luck with reporting.

RomanyRoots · 10/10/2018 18:26

I would report this, as the child stated what her behaviour is like. She may just need help, she could be offered parenting classes.
I'm sure it's more to do with ss than school though.
I too think you have a duty to report, OP.
Those poor children, so Sad
I grew up in a time it was acceptable to smack children, it stays with you forever. I've forgiven as it was the done thing and I don't want to be bitter.

purplecorkheart · 10/10/2018 18:26

I would report to social services directly and also to the school. Hopefully the service provider at the activity will report as well. Poor kids

RomanyRoots · 10/10/2018 18:28

Oh, and it was people minding their own business that saw children and women being abused, and d.v.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/10/2018 18:31

I can't believe the "mind your own business" comments. Many children have died because of that attitude. I'm disgusted.

OP, I would report, I would email the school, go to the office, whatever you're most confortable with. I say this because I have done it myself. They will WANT to know. The other option is to look at the school website and see if you can identify the school Welfare Officer..not every school has one but it would be that person who would be an excellent port of call and will have contacts within social services etc. Please do it for the sake of the litte boy being slapped and pinched and shouted at. It's abuse. Good luck Flowers

HappyFeet1212 · 10/10/2018 18:34

You have to report, if you don't you are complicit. You are effectively looking the other way. You saw what you saw. If you find it hard to find the courage to do this, imagine how the immature brains of these children are coping with her every day.

Abused children have nowhere to turn, especially at that age. The 9 year old sounds very scared.

Well done to all the OP who report . Children die when people look the other way.

MaryH90 · 10/10/2018 18:35

What a disgusting approach some people have. You don’t know the mother and children so just mind your own business? OP has heard verbal abuse and indications of physical abuse from the child. The minimum a school would do is talk with the children to gain more information and determine whether there is more abuse occurring. So yes it’s worth reporting. I can’t believe in this day and age weight he knowledge we have of child abuse that any person would suggest ignoring this.

MaryH90 · 10/10/2018 18:36

*with the

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 10/10/2018 18:38

When I first started using MN the prevailing attitude was mind your own business, it's just a snapshot. I am really glad the general mood seems to have shifted because yes, child protection is everybody's business.

emmab16 · 10/10/2018 18:41

you can also report anonymously via the NSPCC OP

And good for you for speaking up, it must be horrible for the kids

TickTickBoomBoom · 10/10/2018 18:42

Absolutely report it - it's people not reporting that allow vulnerable children to slip though the cracks.

minisoksmakehardwork · 10/10/2018 18:44

I second/third/thirtieth reporting it.

You don't know the context in which the mum was behaving like that, and it is only a snap shot of their day. But if she's like that in public I'd dread to think what the children are subjected to behind closed doors.

I struggle massively with behaviour from 2 of my children. The screaming and wailing, cries of pain etc people must hear when walking past our house at times should by rights be of a concern to people. But if anyone ever came knocking at our door they'd find we have nothing to hide. I'd sooner 100 people report what they hear and it be nothing of concern than 1 person not report something which might be part of a pattern which is unacceptable to vulnerable people.

FaithInfinity · 10/10/2018 18:55

When I did my safeguarding training, they said that generally it wasn’t one report, it was several different reports that meant they could act on information, a bit like a jigsaw puzzle. As pp say, if she’s like this is public, what she’s like at home?! I think school is a reasonable option since the children are in uniform. The other thing is to raise your concerns with the person leading the activity at the sports centre because they should have their own safeguarding policies in place.

Patroclus · 10/10/2018 19:06

Yep Im also glad to hear the 'mind your own business''musnt judge' rubbish has died out. Everybody has the duty to judge when there are other people, especially children, involved.

Original poster
Nameynamechangeforthis · 10/10/2018 19:13

I'm not sure about reporting it to the activity because it's just parents up in gallery watching, there's no staff up there.

I really wanted to say something today as I felt really sorry for her son who was trying to stand up for himself by saying to her 'but you don't talk to me nicely' etc and I just thought, he is right and she is wrong and I wish he knew that. But there have been many threads on here over the years about when an adult has publicly had a go at another adults parenting and the consensus is that we shouldn't criticise and shame one another. My feeling that I should take action is because this isn't just one snapshot. In the beginning I thought it was just someone having a bad day, and then that changed to a feeling that maybe she just struggles to cope (and you never know what's going on in someone's lives so you give them the benefit of the doubt). But you know what it's just relentless criticism, and scolding and sanctions and sending him away from her and just being so cruel and that combined with what he said about the physical side means I think they do need help. The children appear physically cared for and they don't seem afraid of her which is good (although who am I to judge that) but actually it's crossed a line from bad parenting. Thankyou for all your comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nameynamechangeforthis · 10/10/2018 19:16

One more thing, is it naive to think that if I report directly to SS they will, if they see fit to get involved at all, start with something like parenting classes? Would the school assist the family in any way other than just referring it to SS? I suppose I worry that if I have somehow misjudged things then obviously I will have caused consequences for this family?

OP posts:
LARLARLAND · 10/10/2018 19:16

Please report it and fuck off to the idiot who said mind your own business.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 10/10/2018 19:18

Portia

Mind your own business and no you cannot email a school

Wow. Uncaring and ignorant? How's that working out for you? Glad some decent human beings came along to set things straight.

minisoksmakehardwork · 10/10/2018 19:19

If it's anything like my kids gymnastics club (upstairs viewing area, no coaches), we still have a designated safeguarding lead we could speak to.

Or contact your local safeguarding team - you'll likely find them on the local authority website.

You could report to their school but imo it would be more difficult if you don't have a relationship with that school yourself.

Username1234567890 · 10/10/2018 19:19

Absolutely tell someone. This sounds like my childhood. I tried to kill myself as a teen. My sibling did kill themselves as an adult due to issues relating to this. You may save a life by doing something about what you've seen.

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