AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

OP your daughter is wildly unrealistic, both in her expectation of childcare from you and in her choice of career.

Elementtree because you and others are utterly determined that this child and his situation are up to the OP to fix, and not his actual parent.

There’s no such thing as grandparental responsibility, it’s parental responsibility.

@Elementtree might as well get the financial benefits of caring for the grandson most of the time as mum clearly doesn’t put him first

I think in your shoes I would help her out during the evenings whilst she completes the access course for your grandson’s sake. I’m still trying to wrap my head around him being dragged out 5-10pm 5 days a week. I don’t understand this at all. Does she just leave him in the van alone whilst she drops the items to the house?
Anyway I would talk to your daughter and explain you will have your grandson whilst she does the access course but not whilst she goes to university. She can then choose to delay her course or get a childminder or sort out her free childcare hours.

I wouldn't bank on the dd being around to help care for the OP if she becomes old and infirm, to be honest, regardless of whether she ups her child-minding hours now.

No, I didn't say that. I said that I would help in this situation. I know there is no such thing as grandparental responsibility.

I think the dd is trying to fix this situation. I think it's a bloody ham fisted attempt, tbh. But, it's the opportunity to out-run a life on the financial cliff edge. And I would support that however I could.

The daughter doesn’t appear to be considering OP at all though, and certainly isn’t considering her child dragging him out 5 hours a night 5 days a week!

That’s her responsibility, not OPs. I was irritated because the implication (intended or otherwise) was that OP was being mean or selfish, and that just isn’t the case.

@Elementtree might as well get the financial benefits of caring for the grandson most of the time as mum clearly doesn’t put him first

The financial benefits? Oh, right. As I say, on paper, you have a point.

The situation is what it is. I don't think the dd is a saint and I can't imagine dragging a kid around in a car 5 hours a day. But neither do I think that I could watch all that from the sidelines.

I just think, a few years of helping, might be all her dd needs to dramatically shift the quality of her life and that of her own child's. And, with that in mind, I'd do it even though it would be hard

I would help too but it would be 1 or 2 days/nights. I certainly wouldn't be taking over almost full-time responsibility, which this is more or less. I think it's awful the amount of responsibility grandparents seem to get put upon them these days. If they want to or offer then that's different but OPs daughter hadn't even discussed this with her. It's very entitled imo.

But neither do I think that I could watch all that from the sidelines

I understand that point, I don’t think I could either. But I’d be having a strong word with my DD about neglectful parenting, rather than enabling it.

I think your DD could apply for an ECA job and then do her AP and on the job training. It would mean she was earning and working and could pay for a CM xx

Hen, I don't have a dog in this. I don't rely on anyone for free childcare and never had, just in case it seems I'm being defensive

I do think it is mean though, to know your grandkids is being dragged from pillar to post and not intervene. I suppose I'll have to own that. But that's just my opinion, I don't expect anyone to change their views based on it.

As a single parent who has been there, it’s completely the daughters choice to drag her child out at that time, as it is her choice to study to be a paramedic. She could study with the open university or wait a year and study in school hours for a career that will not only provide her and her son with a better future but also give her son some stability

You’re not being unreasonable . Unfortunately she choose her path when she had her son before she qualified as a paramedic . She should wait until he’s at school .

Your daughter needs to consider what she would do when she is on a night shift as pp have mentioned. She does not need to do a degree at the moment, depending on your Trust she could start as an ECA/technician and apply for an internal paramedic course. This'll is likely to be a diploma however meaning she will need to do the BSc top up further down the line. There are other elements to consider for example local to us you could be sent to another county for 3 weeks to complete your emergency driver training, what would she do then?

Elementtree ach I know, I don’t either to be honest and you’re not the only poster I disagree with so I’ve probably been a bit unfair just addressing you.

I do see that point, I just got the impression that OP isn’t able to rather than doesn’t want to.

That's ok hen, it's the best scrap I've had all day

in that case you’re welcome

I don't think any of us are saying that we wouldn't help out our DC's with future grandchildren, I definitely would, circumstances permitting (like reasonable health).

What's ridiculous is the expectation that the OP will provide childcare for several days a week at all hours - because that's the reality of a paramedic's schedule.

This thread made me remember that a friend used to work as a paramedic in London when we were in our 20's. She loved it, but guess what, she moved to a different role before starting her family. As PP's have said, her DD needs to think this through and look into all the available childcare options.

And no, this little boy shouldn't be in a van for 5 hour shifts, but again, her DD needs to sort something out. Maybe his Dad could help out?

I can't believe how many people keep harping on about the DD getting a career so she can afford childcare. There is no formal childcare that covers weekend, evenings, overnights. This job is a ridiculous career choice for a single parent of a young child. I think she needs to look again at this.

YNBU, a day or 2 of free childcare is more than enough. She's probably just not thought of the practicalities of it all. There are childcare grants at universities as well as nurseries - do a bit of research and present it to her as you having the child 5 days a week is not an fair option.

Hi OP, my three year old is asleep in bed by 6pm. Couldn’t you just do bedtime? Not saying you should have to, but I can imagine he’s very hard work the next day if he’s staying up so much later than usual. Even my 7 year old is in bed at 7.30, they couldn’t cope with such late nights. Also are you sure she needs a degree to be a paramedic? My friend just applied for a training course, and that was state funded.

Your dd can apply for a discretionary grant from charitable trusts to top up her finances so she can afford a evening babysitter.

leathersellers.co.uk/grants-for-students/

Hi OP, my three year old is asleep in bed by 6pm. Couldn’t you just do bedtime?

But it wouldn't be 'just bedtime', would it? OP would have to wait until dd got home some time after 10.00, then make her way back to her own house. She'd hardly ever be able to spend an evening in her own home. She'd hardly ever be able to have an evening out. If she wanted a day out, she'd have to make sure to be back in time.

And no-one who is saying the op should take on this childcare is addressing the question of what will happen when the dd is working shifts and nights.

Gosh your DD is asking a lot. First of all as others have said she doesn’t need to do this now, I along with many others had to wait until my children were school aged to be able to afford to put my studies first. It simply was not feasible for me to study before they were at school despite me being unhappy in my job. I just had to suck it up to provide for my kids.
So many comments about you doing evenings, her taking him out is neglectful BUT it is not your responsibility to fix that, it’s hers. 2 year olds rarely go to bed easily so why should you give up 5 nights a week to sort your daughters child out. It will be exhausting.
You need to talk to your daughter as this is unfair on you