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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

538 replies

Liliana75 · 10/10/2018 12:27

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

OP posts:
Sandbox · 10/10/2018 18:12

That’s ‘the pit’ I thought that was just life for most people.
Assuming she is in the uk she will be getting benefits, free childcare soon and the child will start school soon enough. It’s ops daughters choice to work nights, go uni and aim for a career that doesn’t consider her child at all.

Elementtree · 10/10/2018 18:13

I don't think it's the op's fault. I'm just saying that I would help with childcare, if I were able, for that reason.

seeyouhen · 10/10/2018 18:18

I don't think it's the op's fault. I'm just saying that I would help with childcare, if I were able, for that reason

So would you do it 5 days a week? And then when DD qualifies as a paramedic would you cover all of her shifts and the next day if she's on nights?

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 18:19

Fair enough. But OP shouldn’t feel pressured or guilty if she isn’t able or doesn’t want to.

She’s a grandparent, the obligation lies with parents to sort their own shit out.

kingat · 10/10/2018 18:19

I can't get past the fact you think "it works ok" when you poor little grandson spends all this time in the car. It will be dark at 5 soon and poor little kid should be at home. This makes me so so sad. What does he do in the car for 5 hours, does she leave him alone when she makes the delivery? I am sorry OP, but I can't understand this, they are your family, what is more important? Can you not manage 3 hrs in the evening?

Sandbox · 10/10/2018 18:19

if you were able. Op clearly doesn’t feel she is able though.

Elementtree · 10/10/2018 18:20

It may well be that that's life for most people. It's not a situation I'd leave my dd in if I were able to help.

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 18:21

It will be dark at 5 soon and poor little kid should be at home.

Er it’s not OP taking him out?

Why are so many posters absolving his mother of any responsibility for this situation? Why is it his grandmother being treated as if she’s a horrible person?

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 18:22

I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out.

I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all.

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 18:23

Elementtree the bold posts are OP, does she sound able?

seeyouhen · 10/10/2018 18:24

Why are so many posters absolving his mother of any responsibility for this situation? Why is it his grandmother being treated as if she’s a horrible person?

Exactly. The daughter is in her late 20's, it's not as if she's a young naive mother who maybe doesn't know any better.

Elementtree · 10/10/2018 18:25

Yup, well I agree with that hen. As I say, I can see how others might disagree with me. Written down on paper, with a detached eye on fairness, I can see how others might think - well she made her bed, let her lie in it.

I just think, a few years of helping, might be all her dd needs to dramatically shift the quality of her life and that of her own child's. And, with that in mind, I'd do it even though it would be hard.

YeTalkShiteHen · 10/10/2018 18:26

It might be, as I said it all depends on if the grandparent is able or indeed willing.

To expect it is profoundly unfair and actually pretty entitled.

Sandbox · 10/10/2018 18:27

And when she’s a paramedic would you still be offering free childcare all hours Elementtree?

Lethaldrizzle · 10/10/2018 18:30

I wouldn't do it but then again I wouldn't ask for that kind of favour either

theworldistoosmall · 10/10/2018 18:30

It's not just a few hours though. It's 10+ years because you cannot leave a child home alone at night.
It's 40+ hours a week potentially, especially in the early years. And that's just covering actual working and commuting hours, not allowing for dd to sleep. And then what about dd having a life and socialising which of course is more hours on the op.

GurlwiththeCurl · 10/10/2018 18:31

I would love to know the ages of those PPs who are saying that they wouldn’t hesitate to look after a grandchild to help out. Are you in your 50s, 60s or 70s? Or are you young women?

I can assure you that I would not be able to offer any care for my hypothetical grandchildren, even if I really wanted to. In my 60s I would be totally unable to look after a toddler as my health is very poor. So, if you are young and fit, please think a bit before guilt tripping older women. You will understand one day - I hope.

Not that the OP has told us her age or state of health!

Megs4x3 · 10/10/2018 18:37

'It must be hard for her to see you with lots of time on your hands and not helping much'. Why, for heaven's sake? People of retirement age have earned the 'time on their hands'. DD should have discussed what she needed and not just 'hoped' that the op would help. That's really not fair and dragging a 2 year old around in a delivery van for 5 hours a night is irresponsible. There are options, more as the little one ages, but op and DD need to sit down and discuss what can and cannot be done, having researched all the options and DD needs to not just assume that op will fill the child care gap. She can be very proud of and supportive of her daughter without having to bring up her child.

Elementtree · 10/10/2018 18:37

Perhaps sandbox, but the dd will be able to afford other childcare arrangements once she has a job or she may be in a new relationship by then and is able to juggle the demands differently.

Sandbox · 10/10/2018 18:39

In that case op should just adopt the child.

runsmidgeOMG · 10/10/2018 18:41

My DM has DD (2.5) every third Saturday or Sunday dependent on our shift (me and DH both shift workers). We were struggling juggling our shifts and pretty much share childcare 50/50. I did ask mum if she'd mind and she was more than happy to. She works in a school so I'm eternally grateful. I also regularly as her whether she's still happy with the set up and bring her tokens of appreciation often (normally a takeaway or specific food she wants in as she stays with us during that time)

That said, the level of childcare she'd be expecting of you is ludicrous. I've worked with many a paramedic and let me tell you their shifts are awful. They have a two week rotation where they pretty much work for two weeks flat then have two weeks off. Normally 6-6 6:30-6:30 day and night. Not to mention the possibilities of them leaving late (often!)

The purpose of my first paragraph was to point out the gratitude I have to my mother, not that you should have to do ANY childcare. It's on my mums terms and she'd tell me if she was unhappy and I'd respect that.

Hope all goes well OP Thanks

blue25 · 10/10/2018 18:42

Her decision to have a child. She has to deal with the impact that has on her life and career. She cannot assume you will look after him. If she becomes a paramedic, will you be expected to have him during night shifts? If she has more children will you then be expected to look after 2/3 children? You need to be clear what you can offer her and nip this in the bud quickly. I think she's cheeky!

Blankscreen · 10/10/2018 18:45

I feel sorry for op and the daughter.

Her daughter is trying to better herself and give her and her son a future as is so often preached on here. Whilst she might have been getting by as a care assistant it's not exactly well paid and she will be stuck at a low level salary with little hope of career progression.

I am also shocked that the daughter is having to take him out from 5-10 doing deliveries. I suspect the daughter is exhausted. Single mother struggling to make ends meet.

She's now got a chance to improve her situation and I doubt she'll be able to afford childcare in which case op if you don't help out her chance will be gone.

Its not your obligation to do it op but think long and hard about the impact it will have on the future if you say no.

BlueJava · 10/10/2018 18:45

It's great that your DD wants to continue her education and become a paramedic. But she is responsible for her childcare arrangements - I think it's lovely of you to do 1 day a week, that's a lot. Don't let yourself be pushed into doing more if you're not comfortable with it, she is definite BU!

Elementtree · 10/10/2018 18:47

In that case op should just adopt the child

What? Why?

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