AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

OP Just ask your daughter straight out - "How do you propose to have your child cared for when you are working shifts and nights?"

If the answer is "I was hoping you would help with that", then you know what the next 12 or so years holds if you agree.

YANBU and your daughter has totally unreasonable expectations. She chose to have a child, but she now expects to be able to palm him off on you as and when it suits her. The fact she just 'expected' that yiu to help out that much without even discussing it with you is a joke.

I got my full childcare paid for while studying? I don’t get it?

Arrangements like these go pear-shaped as soon as the grandparent falls ill and, because they are so exhausted, the recovery time is longer.

How would your daughter cope if you broke your ankle or wrist, or had the flu and needed complete bed-rest? I know of two grandmas who contracted shingles last year and it took months for them to recover. They are building up their hours very slowly but will never return to full-time child-care - because they can't.

TheDarkPassenger What don’t you get? It’s not the cost of childcare that’s the issue.

It's a tough one. I'm in a real bind at the moment and both grandparents are helping us a lot with childcare. I'm hoping to be more independent in the future. I have never presumed that they will help me for the reasons people have already stated but am so glad they do.Things would be very, very miserable if they didn't.

So no you're not being unreasonable, but I think helping her out more than you are is probably the 'right' thing to do, even if it is temporary, as you'll be improving the quality of life for your grandson and helping them get a better future for themselves.

I find it really sad and shocking that he’s out in the car between 5-10pm each night because that really, really isn’t right. Poor little boy.

She is asking a lot of you though!!

For comparison - I recently asked my mom to have my son for 4 hours once a week and she said no.

I would do it to help my son out and help him up the career ladder but I wouldn't be happy about it.

I brought my son up with no family and did all of my nurses training on my own with childminders which really put me below the poverty level and I'd never let my son go through that, I'd move heaven and earth to help out, it was traumatically hard and many a time I just felt on the verge of collapse. I'd have done anything for a mum to help out. It won't be forever.

What’s the issue then? I’m a bit confused. She just wants op to have the kid rather than go to nursery?

Hi OP, i am a Paramedic, i hope your DD realises she will be working 12/13 hour shifts, nights, weekends and Christmas. Who will have her DS then?

I feel very sorry for him sitting in a car all evening. Poor kid.

Yanbu it's a huge ask.

@MrsJayy no training is all University based now with placements out in the field.

It won't be forever.

madcatlady, so who do you think is going to be looking after this little boy when his mother is working long shifts, weekends, bank holidays and nights, as per Nightwatch's post?

I really admire your daughter wanting to get a career and such a good one. However, as others have said, with antisocial shift work with unpredicatable hours (I can't see a crew leaving a situation half way through because their shift is over), is this really the right job for her long term as a single parent?

My friend was a paramedic - 12 hours shifts, holidays etc. WHat on earth is she going to do with her kid then?

Above, the question was posed whether the op had health issues making her so tired. This made me laugh out loud. Obviously there may be health issues but I occasionally look after a 3 year old for a few hours. No health issues. I am dog tired afterwards. Beyond any tiredness I have from very full on stressful professional working life!! Totally love it but if op is no longer used to the 24/7 energy and chaos of young children then of course she is wiped out ! Good luck op helping out without being taken over by this.

TheDarkPassenger The issue is the op would have to have her grandson 12+ hours several times a week (not including sleeping time after nightshift) due to the unsociable shifts.

Your daughter needs to wait another year to go to university. Simple as that.

Your grandchild and looking after him isn’t your responsibility, he’s your daughter’s responsibility (and also the father’s responsibility). If you want to look after him it should be on your terms only.

I have done 3 days a week for nearly 12 years (I am 74 now). Initially it was one child full days, then one full and one half days(pre school) and for the lady 5 years it has been after school pick ups, full days as and when required and babysitting in the evening when required. It has been a privilege. You must only do what you feel you can but do be aware of the precious time you will be losing.
There is no way my dgc would have been driven around till 10 pm if I had been near enough to do a bedtime routine and stay with them.

I am really conflicted with this one, your daughter is trying to improve things for her and her son She's obviously working her arse off to get there and without help she won't. However, i completely get your side too, its exhausting and she's not asking for a little help, she's assuming a lot of help. and theres a big difference.

However, i am not sure she has considered the career choice wisely.
There seems to be a quite a lot of parents at the school who are the 999 call handlers, that seems to fit around children. But its clearly not the role your daughter wants.

I think you need to sit her down, talk her through what you are comfortable with and also what the job will entail when she qualifies and what she will do then.
School holidays, sick days etc etc. You know how much kids are off school, she may think she does but the reality is different.

Theres a happy compromise somewhere but your going to have to talk it through to get there.

I have never had parental support so I understand where you are coming from. However I do wonder what you think about the future? If you need care when you are older, would you expect your daughter to do it or would you pay a carer? If you needed residential care would you expect your daughter to “help out” or would you see it as “your responsibility” to sort it out for yourself and graciously accept when she says “it’s too much” for her to help you?

It’s all very well people saying isn’t it great she is trying to better herself. But it doesn’t sound like she was in a financial position or a personal circumstances position to have the luxury of being able to give up a stable job.

Sometimes bettering yourself has to wait until doing so isn’t as detrimental to your child. Waiting until he is in school, for example.

@Lndnmummy such a good point, I often think about this with my dad, he's so needy but selfish and I think he will have a shock when he realises I won't be his carer!