AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

My sister just did an access course and is now in uni. As she's a single parent on benefits she gets a certain percentage of her childcare paid. Your daughter needs to look into this, it's made uni possible for my sister.

However could you not help your daughter now in the evenings? If your grandson goes to bed at 7pm that's only 2 hours of childcare which would just be dinner, 30 mins TV, bath time and bed. It would fly by and then he wouldn't be in a car for hours in the evening which sounds awful. I can see how 5 full days a week is exhausting but 5 evenings a week surely is quite reasonable if it helps his routine. Sounds like your daughter's desperate if this is what she's resorted to (carting him about with her). I know there's no way my MIL or mum would allow me to struggle like that...i wouldn't have to ask.

I wouldn’t want to be stuck round someone else’s house looking after a child 5 nights out of 7 until after 10pm.

Yanbu you’ve raised your kids and can now relax and as much fun as it must be having grandkids rounds it’s also good to give them back!
My mum had my son for the first time aged 8 and that’s only because I had a mental breakdown. I know a few colleges and unis have a crèche but surely he’ll be at preschool if not school?

@wolfiefan I meant at OPs house

I think this situation is a bit sad really.

Your daughter is obviously trying to better herself but I don’t think becoming a paramedic is a family friendly job as others have already said.

Can you come to a compromise and help a bit more than you are already doing? Your daughter is probably trying so hard to improve things for herself but she hasn’t considered how it will impact you. YANBU to not be able to do 5 days a week childcare but I’m sure she doesn’t expect that from you if he is already in nursery for 2 days?

When is his birthday- if it is between now and August he will be starting school in 2020. Before that, the term after he turns 3 he becomes eligible for the funded hours and could potentially go to preschool and breakfast/after school club and/or full time nursery at a much lower cost.

Why don’t you have a frank discussion with her about what you can and can’t do.

if you google the university she is hoping to study at, there will probably be onsite or recommended facilities for students who need child care. And there is government funding to help parents with dependent children who are studying (the parents I mean!) isn't there? If she wants to be a paramedic perhaps the issue is the shifts or hours she is working or on placements, and that is where the flexibility of grandparents comes in. But I'm sure 5 days a week 9-5 isn't what she intended.
Look at this way, in 4 years time you will have a grandson who adores you and means the world to you, not a tiresome toddler who exhausts you. There are many people I know round here who rely on grandparents to help with the kids, but usually it is not 9-5 five days a week, more just being very involved or a few days 9-5. When nursery school kicks in you'll find there will be less supervision needed, but you will be invaluable. I don't think it is a burden, it is win win, your daughter will become more financially independent surely that is an advantage for all three of you?

Ummm. It's a hard one, unless I'm missing it I cannot see where she is asking you to have him 5 days a week?

It's right there in the title thread.

Having the child sleep at the ops house 5 nights a week assumes that the op has space.

Why it is up to the op to contact universities and find out about funding and creches etc? It's up to the child's mum to do this. She isn't a child. She's in her late 20's.

The current nursery set up won't really be open until 10 pm so it's irrelevant how many days he goes.

And again, for how many years should the op put her own life on the back burner to care for her grandchild at night? Potentially this is a 12 year + commitment.
And then let's think more about the shift work. Not like mum will come home on a Saturday morning after being on shift all night and take over. No, she will do as day workers do, chill for a bit and sleep. Who looks after the child then? The invisible childcare fairies, no the op would. If the daughter has a couple of late shifts in a row that's a lot of childcare for the op.

It would be a lot easier if the dd went for a traditional 9 - 5 job instead of wanting to go for shift work.

OP's dd is being U. She does not have the infrastructure in place to follow her career aspirations at this time. She is being unrealistic and unfair on both her mother and her child. As others have said when you have small children you have to work around them and your situation. I work in a role i am way overqualified for because it fits around family life and i have predictable hours. We have no extended family around to help. Op should not feel guilty at all. She is doing her bit. Her DD is being unreasonable and i think rather immature.

I wonder what type of life you have had that you think it’s ok to being ‘just fine’ doing care work and struggling to make ends meet. Your daughter is trying to make a better life for her and her son and set a strong example to him as well. I know I would help any of my daughters in a heartbeat in that situation xx

chibsortig Your attitude is really appalling-if dear daughter wants to “chase her dreams” then she damn well can do so when the toddler is in nursery-Do you think universities are only for people fresh out of high school? She’s taking advantage of her mother assuming she’ll watch a child for more than she can physically do so or do you “hopes and dreams” trump the woman’s health? What if she was to have a medical emergency while watching him? Never mind all that matters is the daughter, apparently!!! Get a grip ffs

I would not be able to work if my mum did not help out with my son. However, she made it clear for years that her dream retirement was to be looking after her future grandchildren so she has always offered.

She has him 2 days per week and helps to bridge gaps when DH and I can't make handovers work. It's a lifesaver.

If she wasn't ok with it though, i wouldn't ask, and i do still pay for nursery 2 days so that it doesn't all fall to her. My MIL also has him one day which she loves.

I do plan to help out with any grandchildren i may have in the future and 'pay it forward' for my children.

@em198 her daughter is chosing a career that means she will not be able to get childcare. Should the op suck that up? Of course it is great that the op’s DD is trying to make more money etc but training to become and actually being a paramedic is very obviously not logistically possible and there are other jobs and careers.

I would help in any way I could too - and have, time goes so quickly and this will only be temporary, poor little soul going out with his mum on deliveries every night, that’s really sad and I wouldn’t let that continue

I don’t want to be looking after someone else’s kid until after 10pm five days of the week. Not even in my house.
If you have kids it’s your role to sort childcare. If you have extended family willing and able to help then that’s great. But it isn’t anyone else’s job.

em98 Apalling attitude? Ffs if she has a medical emergency while caring for grandson who would be to blame? Have you forgotten typical toddler behavior? Terrible twos? What color is the sky in your world? She doesn’t have to justify her choices

Well, I can see that majority here think that she is being unreasonable and, tbf, I think they make a decent point.

But, fuck me, I couldn't watch my daughter try and heave herself out of a pit like this and make such a bloody palaver of caring for my grandchild.

@Elementtree so you would put your life on hold to take care of your grandchild for 10+ years?

On the flip side, I can’t imagine even asking my mother to do full time childcare for a toddler.

I don’t think YABU OP. I think your daughter needs to think long and hard about the impact on everyone and not just herself, as she clearly isn’t.

Elementtree what pit?
I think we have all put our plans on hold for our children, be it for 6 months or decades and I don’t see how waiting until child is at school to start uni is such a big sacrifice.

Well, ten years is very dramatic. The kid will be in school within a couple of years, and after school clubs will be affordable once the dd is up and running.

But, in a nutshell, yes. I can't see that there are many more important things than helping family to build security.

The pit where you keep getting to the end of the month with less money than you started with only a smidgeon of good luck between coping and the shit hitting the fan.

The pit where you keep getting to the end of the month with less money than you started with only a smidgeon of good luck between coping and the shit hitting the fan

How is that OPs fault?

How is it being dramatic?
The dd wants to be a paramedic which involves shift work. Who do you suggest has the grandchild at night when mum is at work? Who do you suggest has the child during the weekends and other times throughout the year when traditional childcare options are closed?
Who do you suggest has the child on a Friday night and Saturday daytime when mum is at work and then has to sleep maybe even to have another overnight shift on Saturday? Cannot leave the young child home alone. Cannot take him to work with her.