AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

I’ve had little help from my mum and I wouldn’t expect anything of her coz she’s pretty selfish, so I don’t even ask now as I would just get upset. But I’m the complete opposite and will always be there for my kids. Why is it such a hardship to help your children? I agree with the post that said it sounds resentful to talk about “your time etc”. My kids are 11 and 9 and yes it’s hard work but I would keep these years forever if I could. It’s so special. Couldn’t care less about “me time” .

I think it's disgraceful that an infant is kept up by its mother until 10pm each night whilst she works. Maybe she should do less working and more caring for her child and should cop on to the fact she could be reported to social services which might not look too great if she intends to be a paramedic. I also think it's cruel to drag a sleeping child out of bed at 10pm to collect after an evening shift. The solution is to start caring for the child who should be the priority not a course. University should wait until the child is older.

Apologies if this has already been said.
If possible in her area, your daughter could first try “patient transport” for example First Care Ambulance Service. If she could get on as a Bank employee with them, it’s a good taster for shift life and ambulance life, and a good foot in the door, whilst being able to choose her shifts. IMO and speaking from experience the best way for mums, especially single mums to become a paramedic is to get her C1 driving liscence under her belt, apply to be an ECA (Emergency Care Assistant) learn on the job getting paid, it will be 12 hour shifts but with the wage, and what she’s entitled to, I think she would manage to cover the childcare herself, maybe with you helping one day a week still. After a while of being an ECA you can go for Paramedic on the job, you don’t need the degree, and certainly not the debt of uni. There are plenty of open days from all the ambulance trust where she could speak to them and find out her options, she only needs to follow them on Facebook to know when these are. It’s hard being a mum whether you stay at home or go to work, it’s hard to know how to best provide for your child. I applaud her aspiration to get a career, but I also understand where you’re coming from. I hope it works out for you both.

I get where you are coming from, however your daughter is trying to start a good lifestyle for herself and her son which I think is amazing! You should be proud that she is doing so. Yes it will be hard for a little while but she needs all the help she can get. Even if she asks other family members. Good on her I say.

Can you imagine sitting at home knowing your daughter and kid were out till 10pm

Presumably the father of the child is sitting somewhere unconcerned while his kid is driven around for hours. I know some pp have asked about him but a lot of people seem to hold the OP more responsible for the child than his other parent.

Are you 43 (going by your user name)? You really need to get checked out if you are that exhausted already. Not saying you have to help out at all, but if you are saying you are too tired to help then that really doesn’t sound right. I am exhausted all the time and couldn’t manage childcare but I have a health condition that causes fatigue. I have lots of friends who are similar age and still bringing up youngish children and managing ok without feeling exhausted. Get yourself checked out!

I suspect those who think that once you have raised your child to an adult then that marks the end of your social contract...

That's the whole bloomin' point, our parents have raised us to be adults. As adults, we're responsible for our own children.

The OP isn't being selfish or unkind if she doesn't want to do more than one day a week of childcare, that's perfectly reasonable and kind.

In OPs shoes, I'd probably have my grandson stay over with me while his Mum did her delivery shift. BUT, no parent can "expect" grandparents to do that, it's entirely their choice.

I asked my MIL if she would stay at our house for a week after my DSM had a stroke and I wanted to go and help my upset Dad cope with everything. She said no; I accepted it. I didn't like it, but she has no obligation to look after my children if she doesn't want to.

My mum has had my daughter quite alot the last 15 months, my mum is 48 and my daughter 8. She stays there as me & my partner both work shifts and to have a nanny we are looking at around £1000 a month or loosing a bedroom for an au pair which isnt an option.

She has her own bedroom (made the spare hers, think girly pictures, her own bedding, fluffy pink rug and toys etc)

My daughter goes to my mums per month:
4 times at 7.30pm & goes to bed at 8pm, I then collect at 7.30am.
4 times at 5.30pm, mum does her tea & she goes to bed at 8pm.
1 fulll weekend from 5.30pm Friday - 7.30am Monday morning.
This weekend absolutley knackers my mum and thus she has given me 'her notice' which is up June 2019. My mum still works 40-45 hours a week although my dad doesnt so is generally around :)

I pay my mum £250ish a month & there is no way on gods earth she would have done it age 2. I was 19 when my daughter was two & i was absolutley exhusted, you cant take your eyes off them, and the noise? lord the noise they make, never mind the mess, its tiring!

I think your daughter is very lucky to have you help on a Friday & she should not decide to quit her job and seek further education presuming you will be the childcare, my mum offered to do it for us & i offered to pay, but it is now too much for my mum which i understand and although i am heartbroken i will be taking around a £18000 pay cut, loose my current career & its unlikely that we will be able to buy a bigger house in the time frame we wanted (not that i will/have voiced this too my mum) it is 100% my mums right to say that she doesnt want to look after her anymore, at the end of the day she is my daughter & my responsibilty & i wouldnt make her feel guilty about it.

I hope your daughter understands that when your a mum you sometimes have to do things a little differently and sometimes unfortuanly that means putting things on hold untill your children are older. I think your daughter needs to speak to the university about funds for childcare as you do get loans/bursarys for the kind of thing etc. Which really, she should have done before leaving her job & deciding shes going.

Sorry for my long post OP! Hope it is of some help xx

Possibly I should be on Gransnet as opposed to Mumsnet, but thought maybe I could give some seasoned advice although been a lot of years since I had young children. Gran didn't say if her daughter is single parent, but if so, think there might be funded nursery places for younger than 2 year olds when Mum works.

Also she could alter her work schedule, might be able to earn more money working less hours. For instance, is her evening deliveries self employed ?,- if so, she might be better off working full time delivering throughout the day, and in her accounts she would have cost allowances for her vehicle etc.

Other options for university could be open university, or using the creche universities and colleges often have. Although I have lots of sympathy for her, as I received lots of babysitting help from my family
when I worked my way through college. Couldn't have done it without them. So I would say Gran help as much as you can, you might need her help someday, especially when you get older.

Minimum op is unlikely to be 43 as her child is in her late 20’s plus the fact if she was only 43 then most likely she would still be working herself.
If the 75 in her name refers to anything it is more likely to be her age not year of birth.

Would be nice if @Liliana75 actually did come back and talk to us all. Many of these questions could be answered. I assume the op is older than 43 considering her dd is late 20's, but even if this is the case the op may have health issues herself or medication that wipes her out. She could be working fulltime herself hence she's doing all she can.

It's interesting that many saying the op should help are skimming over the fact that the op has asked the DD about studying, and the dd has said that op will help. Neither of them will know at the moment how much extra care this will require because it will vary as a result of shifts including NIGHT SHIFTS.

And why should the op pay for additional childcare? Imagine how costly that will be as it will be seen as overtime considering it will be overnight. But again, silly things like actual details shouldn't be a problem. The adult DD has to be thinking about this and planning for this, not the op. The adult DD also has to think about the long-term and even if op could help more now, the realities are that she won't be here forever and then who will pick up the slack?

And as for who will look after the op in her old age. Surely any caring adult child will want to look after their parent whether it's supporting them in their own homes, having them live with them, or visiting and that in a home. Only an arsehole would think well fuck you mum/dad you fucked me over when I needed childcare so good luck now. I would be ashamed of how I raised my children if they had that attitude. Just like childcare, old age care should be helping in ways that you can

Your daughter is providing a more sustainable future not just for herself, but for you and your grandchild. Plus wanting to give her time to dedicate to a service that is greatly dependant on people who care about others...yep. she's so selfish?! Right?

My daughter when for a new crereea and had to go away nearly every month in the first year had 2 children 1 and 7 i encouraged her to go i looked after the children , she now lives with me works and also has horses ,i'm left with the kids, they fight argue all the time drives me up the wall but i would never not do it

sorry for spelling mistake didn't mean to post before changing it

My daughter when for a new crereea and had to go away nearly every month in the first year had 2 children 1 and 7 i encouraged her to go i looked after the children , she now lives with me works and also has horses ,i'm left with the kids, they fight argue all the time drives me up the wall but i would never not do it

She saw you coming didnt she? More fool you.

Thats mad. Thats called 'life'😉

Plus wanting to give her time ....

But it's not just her own time she's wanting to give, is it? It's the op's time, too.

And the dd won't in fact be giving her time. She'll be paid for it. It's op who's expected to do the giving.

Your daughter is providing a more sustainable future not just for herself, but for you and your grandchild. Plus wanting to give her time to dedicate to a service that is greatly dependant on people who care about others...yep. she's so selfish?! Right?

Why is it for the OP?

I'm assuming all the people on here saying it's selfish of the OP not to childmind every night and then care 5 days a week after bringing up her own family and also working, are all stay-at-home parents who devote themselves to their children (even adult ones) 24/7?

OP your daughter may WANT to become a paramedic but the fact is she has a small child and the shift pattern for that career is impossible to fit with professional childcare. It could be done, perhaps, with help available any day, any time of day, but she just isn't being sensible here. Sometimes what we want just has to wait as arranging childcare isn't always easy and she can't expect you to be on hand any time, any day. She may be looking at 10 or more years before this is in any way workable as a single parent. You're her mother and you want to help, but it's her child needing care and she's going to have to put her plans on the back boiler and do something else.

It's really worrying that she takes her son out in a vehicle for hours in the evenings. Does she really think this is ok on any level? Is it her vehicle or one supplied by the employer? If the former, I bet her insurers don't know, they'd cancel her policy, and if it's a company vehicle she'd surely be dismissed. It's wrong for a child to be strapped into a car seat for hours on end, he should have a proper evening routine which includes being in his bed. Being a parent isn't easy, being a single parent has its own extra challenges, she needs to step up to them and consider her son rather more carefully than she is with these unworkable plans.

Well done to your daughter for wanting to improve herself so as to better provide for her family. Not many people have the courage to leave a job and embark into the unknown

Only you know how much you can actually help.

I'd hope my child's grandparents could commit to more than once.week if I needed them. I'd find it difficult to understand if they didn't help me out.

3 evenings a week should be doable once he gets into a routine. He can be in bed by 630 - 7pm. On Fridays find some free groups to go to - libraries, community centres etc usually offer free things like rhyme time or music based things.

As for uni - I'd worry about that if and when it happens. By then your grandson will be in nursery for most of the day. You could help by collecting him, giving him his dinner and then it'll be pick up time for your daughter.

If you can, you should help as much as possible; it'll only be for a year, at most. Once he's at school, you'll miss him and wish you could see him more often

Make the most of this opportunity to spend time with him and help your daughter improve her life so she can do more than just "get by'.

Good luck and again - well done to your daughter, I wish her all the best.

There’s nothing wrong with helping out as a grandparent, but with the amount of commitment your DD wants equates with asking you to parent your GC. There could (and should) be an issue with safeguarding and welfare for your poor little DGS. Social services would take a very dim view and it doesn’t sit well with a career role which is essentially a caring role where you have to assess risk. Your DD needs to put her own interests on the back burner for a couple of years and actually parent her child while you help her out now and again. I really don’t find your DD’s actions commendable or “amazing”. Her aspirations are unrealistic and ultimately bad for her DS at this short time in his life.

Sorry, the concern for welfare thing was referring to the evening delivery shift and dragging her baby around for 5 hours. Awful. This is on your DD, not you.

How does it work with this delivery job then? Presumably she has to keep her son hidden in the car from her employers. So every time she goes back to pick up another order she has to park far enough away that no one else in the shop can see him. And leave him alone in the car while she does that. And leave him alone in the car for every single delivery she makes, alone in the dark, asleep or awake? What a colossal risk she is taking with her child's safety and wellbeing. She is being reckless and neglectful - being a parent is hugely restrictive in many ways. She really needs to grow up and accept this.

Are there health issues that are making you so tired? I wouldnt expect someone your age to be struggling to this extent of they were fit and healthy.

That’s patronising. A 2 year old would exhaust me in a couple of hours and I’m early 40’s. You do know how they constantly demand attention at that age don’t you???