Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

538 replies

Liliana75 · 10/10/2018 12:27

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/10/2018 21:29

@ Sb74

Family is family. Children are for life not just until we decide it’s “our time”. Kids are not a project, they’re a life long commitment. But again depends on your priorities in life.

I completely agree with you sb74, children are and should be their parents' priority.

Fully-grown adults in their late 20's, however, aren't children. They make their own life choices and if they chose to have a child, that child is their priority. Any educational and career choices are subject to whether they can make it work with their parental role.

It doesn't sound as if the DD has thought this through, she's assuming that the OP will just be the "parent" whenever DD's not available. That's not fair on the OP.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/10/2018 21:30

Kids are not a project, they’re a life long commitment. But again depends on your priorities in life.

Uh huh. So you’re telling OP to be a parent for her adult child, but not telling the adult child to be a parent to her own child? Pffft.

Spot all the “had grandparents on tap” folk on here eh?

kierenthecommunity · 11/10/2018 21:33

Also maybe not the 5 days a week, but why can't she just have him for 2 sodding hours in the evening until he goes to sleep. How could you let your grandson be in a car for 5 hours?

So who’d have him the other three hours? Hmm

Nicknacky · 11/10/2018 21:34

To those that think the op should care for him at night.....is the child to be removed from his bed after 10pm and return home with his mum?

Or has the child to stay the full night?

The op might not have room for both to stay over.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 11/10/2018 21:44

Something like one in six retired women is juggling childcare for grandchildren and caring for aging parents.

Why is it always left to the women to do the caring?

The op is already giving a full day a week that she finds tiring. Who knows what other responsibilities she has and sat she does end up doing more and makes herself ill then the daughter will lose the day she does get.
Plus if the op doesn’t feel she can cope with caring for her grandchild but feels forced into it and something happens to the child because she can’t cope ie catch him if he runs off into a road, nods off cos she is knackered and the child has an accident what then?

keffie12 · 11/10/2018 22:02

I do one day a week with our Grandson. Whilst I am disabled though
I am mobile, I am thoroughly wiped out after it. They have their second baby due at Christmas.

Whilst my DiL will go back to work she will go back just for 2 days. One day the 2 grandchildren will go to the childminders. The other day will be split with both Grandparents, with hers and ours.

They have sold one car and just got the one now as with our DiL going on maternity leave, it is the only way they can manage and not be worse off, when she does return to work.

The cost of childminding is high. Parents can't afford to not work. I am happy to do one day. No more. You need to make it clear to your daughter what you will and won't do. No need for guilt.

Your daughter expectations are too high. She should have cleared this with you beforehand. Five days a week is way too much

celticprincess · 11/10/2018 22:12

My ex husband has worked as a delivery person. It is against policy to take your child/renwith you. The poor child is being dragged around for 5 hours, possibly asleep for some of them but not in an ideal sleeping position as a car seat for a 2 year old isn’t exactly comfortable. She’d be leaving him alone in the car, potentiall on the side of roads, whilst delivering to the houses. This really isn’t good.

You can’t be expected to have him all that time either. However others a correct in that he could be asleep for most of it so if you went to her home and took over putting him to bed or even just chilling out with him then you’d both be ok. A lot different to daytime looking after him. Although if he’s anything like my youngest and extremely stingy he may not settle to bed that easily - I recall my mum having DD overnight and she spent most of the time with her asleep on her knee in her reclining lazyboy armchair as she cried every time she was out to bed.
Toddlers are very tiring and if she has a low income there are free hours from 2 available - I made use of these when I became a single parent just to get a bit of a break on one of my days off. By the time she starts uni she will be entitled to some more hours and eventually would be in school and you might be needed for before and after school drop off unless she can can use wrap around.

MissEliza · 11/10/2018 22:13

How is she planning to manage when she qualifies as a paramedic though? She'll be working long shifts at nights and weekends. Who'll be doing the childcare then? I admire her ambition but I suspect she's just assumed you'll pick up the slack whenever she needs.

SpankTheMonkey · 11/10/2018 22:33

Everyone wants to help out, until it inconveniences them in some way

I think you should be proud of your daughter, and seeing how you can support her, and your grand child

Ive been in your daughters position, trying to forge a career, whlst being a single parent, and my mother backed off as far as humanely possible

I am assuming you dont work though OP. You say you have had health scares, although not unwell

nannykatherine · 11/10/2018 22:34

she takes him on a delivery round at night ? hopefully she doesn’t leave him in a car alone ?

kierenthecommunity · 11/10/2018 22:37

However others a correct in that he could be asleep for most of it so if you went to her home and took over putting him to bed or even just chilling out with him then you’d both be ok

But this is presuming the OP has absolutely nothing else going on in her life, no friends to visit and is happy spending nearly every evening away from home. It’s a massive ask.

SpankTheMonkey · 11/10/2018 22:39

If I was sticking my 2 year old in a car seat for 5 hours every day and not getting him to bed until 10pm I expect my family would step in to tell me that's totally unacceptable pretty fucking quick. She needs to come up with another plan

At least the mother is trying to work and help herself - shes not sitting on her arse at home on benefits.

Fair enough families offering opinion, but if they aren't going to offer any practical help, literally just make her feel like a shit person, then they might as well keep their opinions to themselves, or start a forum thread

Annette69 · 11/10/2018 22:42

I’m in my late forties with a toddler. It’s tough, but I’m fit and positive and young at heart. I have older children too. I know that if my child was working every night doing a driving job, taking my Grandchild with them I would do everything I can to help. I just know personally I would not allow that to happen.

Taylor22 · 11/10/2018 22:43

At least the mother is trying to work and help herself - shes not sitting on her arse at home on benefits.

Nah she's just endangering him and dragging him around late a night so disrupting his sleep.

Top parenting.

SpankTheMonkey · 11/10/2018 22:45

I really really dislike sentiments like

'I have done my years of looking after kids'

It sounds so resentful. Not just of requests to help (your own) family..but of the past...that it was all so shit,,, that you have no wish to repeat it

ohshitonit · 11/10/2018 22:47

Someone literally said above they didn't even want to look after their own kid when they were 2. Sounds like shit parenting to me.

SpankTheMonkey · 11/10/2018 22:50

Taylor22

Nah she's just endangering him and dragging him around late a night so disrupting his sleep

Could say great grandparenting too..for sitting back and watching and doing nothing

Well the child is being provided for - has a roof over his head and food in his stomach, in the only way possible at the moment by one parent who is running herself ragged trying to cover all bases. Not sure how a child is endangered, sitting in a car though - hysterical

Considering the small amount of family support, I don't think she is doing bad at all

Sb74 · 11/10/2018 22:50

I don’t know about childcare once she’s working, that’s for them to work out but family should be there for each other. Someone trying to improve theirs and their son’s life should be applauded. I completely agree that the op should have stepped in about the child going out at night. I don’t understand how any grandma would allow that to happen?

ohshitonit · 11/10/2018 22:53

Can you imagine sitting at home knowing your daughter and kid were out till 10pm? Just sitting there because its "your time" ugh.

SpankTheMonkey · 11/10/2018 22:53

There are so many hurdles to jump over as a single parent, it makes life almost impossible.

Even just the title single mother brings judgement...and whatever you do- If you go to work (you get slagged off) , sit on benefits (you get slagged off)....

This woman is fighting the odds to actually make a life for her and her child.

Sb74 · 11/10/2018 23:01

Completely agree with last two posts.

Taylor22 · 11/10/2018 23:01

The daughter quit her job so that she could do this stupid delivery job and go to Uni. This is her fault.

MelonBuffet · 11/10/2018 23:02

It’s great that your DD is trying to better herself to provide a good life for her and her child, but it’s too much to expect anyone (except the other parent) to provide free childcare so regularly.

There’s no way I would have expected my mum to do this. She didn’t have the energy and looking after young children is so tiring when you’re not used to it. My mum would struggle for an afternoon - she had health issues which made her tired and her house wasn’t toddler-proofed so she had to be on high alert the whole time DS was with her.

I can’t believe how many posters think this is your responsibility Op! No way I’ll be providing 5 days childcare for my DCs when they’re older.

As a single mum of 3, with no live grandparents, I’ve had to work around them as they grow up, by working at home running my own business until they’re old enough to be left at home for a couple of hours.

It’s hard but it’s not impossible and it’s just not fair to rely on others to bail you out. Not even your parents. Their job is to help out sometimes and be a loving presence in the children’s life, not to provide childcare on tap.

Sassenach85 · 11/10/2018 23:03

I might have a private grumble and feel a bit sorry for myself .... but cannot ever imagine sitting with my feet up while my daughter works all hours and has to take a two year old out until 10pm .... I mean how could you enjoy that "me time"? I would do anything for my DD. And the OP's daughter does sound like she's trying her best.... unless OP has some hidden illness or issue then I think her instincts as a mother should be kicking in??

Gemini69 · 11/10/2018 23:05

I suspect those who think that once you have raised your child to an adult then that marks the end of your social contract, are also those same people who think that it is fine to step away from a frail parent because you never asked to be a carer. But, that's a bit of an assumption and I'd like to know if I'm wrong.

You're wrong Flowers

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.