AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

From reading several threads recently, I think it’s apparent that family values are going down the pan more and more in UK. Many attitudes seem to be “stuff them”, think of yourself. It’s no wonder we have such a high prevalence of mental health issues.

Yes as someone said upthread, I do wonder if those saying that OP should do it for the sake of her DD's future are all younger.

I'm 48 now I'd really not want to look after a 2 yr old 5 days a week certainly didn't when DS was 2 and I was a lot younger then. Also should why OP sacrifice her early retired years when she's still able to go out and enjoy herself ? It's kind of like some people are saying that OP's life is not as important as her DDs, actually scrub the kind of like as that is what they're saying.

Many universities have onsite nurseries and she will be eligible for 30 hours a week funded childcare plus tax credits and so on. Perhaps you could offer to have him one day a week. Yes they are exhausting but it gets easier as they get older. What he needs is a routine and between you, your daughter and nursery it could all work out. She can work out her entitlements at entitledto.co.uk

Yes @rookiemere, so when we are about 50 or whatever and our mums are elderly and need help, why should we give up our time when we could be enjoying ourselves?

It just depends on what kind of person you are; Selfless or selfish. It’s her daughter and grandson for goodness sake. Of course she should help. I’m mid-forties, don’t consider myself old?! but would help my family as much as I can. I’m sure cultures and countries where families are there for each other and give a shit are happier for it than here.

In the situation where a parent would need 5 day a week 9-5 care ohshitonit then I would say yes that is too much for someone to have to provide , and even then looking after an elderly person 5 days a week would generally be less physically taxing than trying to keep up with a toddler. But once a week visit - like OP does already for GC - that's a more reasonable expectation.

Let's not forget that OP already provides care every Friday for her GC. She says she finds that tiring. She isn't saying she is going to stop doing that. But surely if she finds one day tiring , then its not appropriate for her to be doing more - and also not great for the GC who needs appropriate stimulation and activities for his age.

Sb74 So you would have your grandchild full time?

Rookiemere... You consider it too difficult to look after a two year old at 48?? Good grief. No wonder I'm for the knackers yard then. I'm 47 and youngest is 6 !! my choice obvs but I really think unless there's a health issue going on then people are feeling ' too old ' before their time surely?. It's like my Nanna in the 80's when i was young. When my siblings and I worked out how old she actually was at the time with her nylon headscarf on and old attitudes she was only 55. That's nothing! I'm gonna do all I can with my grandkids when I finally get them. Treat others as you want them to treat you. Offer help when you can instead of feeling sorry you're getting on a bit and leeching it!

The op said she couldnt even watch him while he slept as it would be too difficult.

I would feel awful visiting my elderly mum who needed care once a week. I guess people have different standards.

On the needing care in the future it is dh and my responsibility to make sure that we can pay for care at home or in a care home and I would love for all my children to visit but not necessarily physically take care of me.

It's what my Dad/DSM and my in-laws have planned for as well - in-laws have taken out long-term care insurance so their care will be paid for if/when the time comes.

I would never expect my DCs to look after me, but if we have a good relationship, I hope they'll want to keep in touch. That's how it was with my DM (now deceased). I loved her, so I wanted to help her. It wasn't payback for anything.

I think it's weird that some people are suggesting that the OP should offer childcare now, or her DD won't bother with her in the future. That's not how healthy adult relationships work! DH and I won't ignore his parents, for example, because they don't offer childcare nor give decent Christmas presents.

"I'm 48 now I'd really not want to look after a 2 yr old 5 days a week certainly didn't when DS was 2 and I was a lot younger then"
Isn't that just a sad thing to read? I have a 3 year old and 2 younger children and I work 30 hours in 3 days and I love looking after my children. So does my mum (I don't use her for childcare she asks to have them) and she's 60.

Distance is a huge issue in some people's lives, if your family is spread across the country. We have never lived within 350 miles of MIL's home but my patient (and immensely kind ) SIL does, so she ends up with all the everyday sh*t of DMIL descending into dementia, as well as wanting to help with her GC and a full on pt job. When she calls needing help, she needs it now and urgently, and as relocating is not an option, it is always a bit of a panic for everyone.

I get the wish to help out but most 50 and 60 year olds still have to work and are not on call for childcare, even if they would want to do it, or be fit enough to. Caring for the very young and very old is the area our society is falling short.

@sb74

It just depends on what kind of person you are; Selfless or selfish. It’s her daughter and grandson for goodness sake. Of course she should help.

You don't think her DD is being a bit selfish, though, asking for so much childcare? 5 days a week is a huge amount. Her DS has two parents, presumably, and I can't understand why the OP is the only person who can provide childcare over the 5 days.

I certainly would look after my grandchild as much as needed. And I would enjoy doing it; one reason is that I would enjoy being with my grandchild, despite it being hard, another would be knowing I’m helping my child through a challenging time. It’s not going be forever in this case. It’s while her daughter gets her life together. We have lost the plot in this country. Family is family. Children are for life not just until we decide it’s “our time”. Kids are not a project, they’re a life long commitment. But again depends on your priorities in life.

No, I don’t think dd is selfish at all. Think she’s amazing and deserves full support.

I’m guessing the child’s dad isn’t in the picture.

@Rookie, when I was 48, DS was 5! You could cope physically, but you may not want to. That's fine, but be honest about it.

I'm sorry but all I can say is....that poor baby in the car for 5 hours...that is the main concern here

I work shifts as a cop. I literally cannot think of a way I could do it as a single mum unless I had a full time, live in nanny.

It’s not going be forever in this case.

Sb74 so what is the dd going to do for childcare when she has finished her training and is working long shifts, including nights?

Thing is not everyone is the same and not everyone fitness levels and so on are the same. Obviously the OP feels she can't do 5 days a week and seems harsh to judge her for that. Especially if she's tired from that. Effecting in some ways.

Need to sit down and discuss what you can do and can't do and go from there.

If her daughter does manage it and become a paramedic then that's another problem to solve as shift patterns won't be child friendly. Situation may change by then but if it doesn't...

If she's delivering on the evening with that poor child in the car, there is no way she's getting him out every time she stops to do a drop off, which means he's left in the car while she possibly goes out of sight, that's just not good. She shouldn't be doing it, but you as his grandma knowing she's doing it, you should step in.

AmIcrazy...no one is suggesting that grandparents should have to provide child care or risk not being cared for in old age...

...it’s just that elderly people, to be truly cared for, actually require quite a lot of help. It’s not just a dinner here or there but quite often dealing with physical problems and loneliness. As our generations start to live longer, and with poor social care provision, I think those family bonds of helping each other out are increasingly important.

Without the OPs help, the daughter may struggle and get by raising her son only to then start caring for the OP - where’s her generation going to enjoy a nice retirement doing as they please sandwiched between caring for children and then parents who have them no help.

Sb74 you are so right.

Also maybe not the 5 days a week, but why can't she just have him for 2 sodding hours in the evening until he goes to sleep. How could you let your grandson be in a car for 5 hours? I think social services would be interested in that, it's very bad for his back.