AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

Actually i have total respect for your daughter. It sounds to me like she's actually working her fingers to the bone and trying to gain a qualification for her and her family's long term betterment. You say she was doing nicely as a care assistant OP, but this is low paid work and probably the cost of outsourced childcare would swallow most of her wages; this is the poverty trap that women struggle with accessing adorable childcare and your DD is trying ever so hard to scramble out of that. If she's driving around til 10pm at night and studying and being a mum she must be so knackered. I'm surprised most posters are so hard on this mum. She probably hasn't had a spare minute to think about getting a better solution!
I agree she cannot rely on you though, it's too much. Can she access a crèche at the university or hospital? Often these are subsidised for students or staff. Could she do a child care rota or shift with another mum maybe??

"Are there health issues that are making you so tired? I wouldnt expect someone your age to be struggling to this extent of they were fit and healthy."

How do you know how old OP is, @Wheresthel1ght?

Are you her daughter? Or perhaps just psychic!

A PP mentioned about if grandparents wont help and babysit what can they expect when they are old and ill.
What about kids who want babysitting services all the time but can hardly even be civil to the grandparents and will not do anything if grandparents need some favour.
It should be both ways and not one way for those who make the most demands

I think you need to find something in the middle, you both need to talk about plans, expectations, possible help and support. She probably need to do something to change your grandson's routine to make it's easier for you. But do try to find a way to support her, she's trying really hard to work, to study and to raise her child.

Of course she expects love and support from you, she probably just misjudged how difficult it's for you to care for 2 years old but this doesn't make her a bad entitled person.

User02 of course it should work both ways. That’s the point.
The OP hasn’t given any indication that she and her daughter don’t get on or that there are other issues. Just that the daughter is angling for some much needed help while she works her socks off to better hers and her sons life.
If the OP comes back with some other issues then that could be relevant.

She might be entitled to 15 hours free childcare as a student as part of the 2 year scheme. When he turns 3 she may get 30 hours. Tell her to speak with nursery about this. If that doesn’t suit and she would rather a registered child minder she should be able to claim childcare back in her tax credits claim x not sure how much she would get but sounds like that would be a way around the situation :-) x

What about kids who want babysitting services all the time but can hardly even be civil to the grandparents and will not do anything if grandparents need some favour.

What? Isn't this the point where someone jumps in and calls out something about a straw man?

User02 your point is so irrelevant I am confused.
So many people say "I've done my time as a parent" my mil likes to say "this is my time now", I just hope they remember that when they're getting woken up at 4am in the nursing home so the carers can get them all down for breakfast at the same time, with one visit a week from their kids because "it's all a bit too much"

Gemini69 luckily I am very fit no health problems at all!! But somedays I’m just so wornout!!

Still waiting for someone to say what they think should happen about childcare if and when the dd qualifies and is working all hours, day and night.... university creches, free nursery hours, etc etc, won't cover that.

YANBU

My mum watches my 2 full time while I work. She gave up work to do this and I pay her the average rate of a childminder for the 2. She never asked for it but I transfer £800 into her account at the beginning of every month. And now I think about it that has been over a few years, with inflation it should be more by now.

She's 59 and I can see how worn out she is by the end of the week and we have regular chats about how if she ever wanted to give it up it wouldn't be a problem and the boys would go elsewhere. My oldest has started school so that's eased a lot of the pressure but still a very energetic and fiercely independent 2 year old to watch full time.

Any help you can give, your daughter will appreciate I'm sure! You sound a lovely grandparent and saying no should never be an issue in family.

I hope your daughter does well and you enjoy your time with your grandchild

Emergency childcare if he's ill and whatever you are happy with is fine to offer. You should not be obligated to do more and she shouldn't expect it.

Haven’t read the whole thread but I got the majority of my childcare paid whilst studying full time. Mine were 2 and 7 month old when I started and had to pay the difference every month. I know theres only a limeted amount and not everyone gets it but could be somthing to ask her college see if they can help? X

@ohshitonit It was your post at 18.53.35 which brought up the subject of elderly parents and care in old age. I don't see why my saying that these things i.e help with childcare and help in old age should be going in both directions is not relevant.

Many parents babysit for their children and grandchildren but if the parents ask for a bit of help they are refused. It really should be both ways.

You are nbu to not want to be expected to provide childcare and if it's too much for you you need to tell your dd now so that she can think about other options but I just wanted to say I am in awe at her strength and motivation! What a fantastic role model she is for her son, you should be very proud of her.

Many parents babysit for their children and grandchildren but if the parents ask for a bit of help they are refused. It really should be both ways.

Yes, you said. The op hasn't suggested that her dd refuses to help her in any way. And, where are all these adult DC who can't be arsed to help their parents even though they take advantage of free baby sitting. You say that many do this, but I can't see how you could possibly know that this for a fact and THEN you say that it's unfair.

If I am missing these swathes of adult children who do this and it is indeed a fact, then fine, tell them to go whistle when they ask for babysitting.

I currently look after my dgs 1 day a week and this will go up to 1 1/2 days a week after half term and at the age of 66 I feel shattered when he goes home so I can understand why you can't do more.

On the needing care in the future it is dh and my responsibility to make sure that we can pay for care at home or in a care home and I would love for all my children to visit but not necessarily physically take care of me.

Is this not about supporting your daughter? She wants to do something with her life and she needs all the support she can get. When he is 3 she will hopefully qualify the 30 hours. Personally I think you are being very unfair she cannot afford the full cost of childcare. There are many people who would love to be seeing their grandchildren more often and helping out. You sound selfish.

To those who think their parents can whistle if they want help in their old age having not provided adequate childcare:

Not a problem as long as you don't mind whistling for your inheritance as it's gone on care home fees.

Universities have childcare and he'll also be eligible for free nursery. Why is this even an issue?

Nanny0gg I think there’s a large part of the upcoming adult generation who clearly see that inhertences will be long gone on care/care homes as our parents cling to living in their own homes, enjoy their retirements thoroughly and then see it all get sold for last minute emergency care when they become too frail.

As with child care, no one is entitled to inheritance - it’s just a nice thing to do, helping your family.

Unfortunately part of being an adult is accepting that your life choices may be limited by your circumstances.

Even if you did provide all this care now - and I really don't think you should - I thought paramedics were required to work mixed shifts as its a 24/7 service. Does this mean that you will be expected to provide the childcare needed once she starts the new job? NB this is a rhetorical question and there is no need to answer as we already know what the answer is.

I'd put your foot down. It's all very well others talking about supporting her and allowing her to do something with her life, but they seem to forget that you might want to do something with your current life now that doesn't involve looking after your GC 5 days a week. Heck you might as well go back to work and earn some proper money if you're going to be doing a full time job anyway.

I understand that young children are hard work but I agree with those saying you should help her. I think you should look after her son while she’s out at night working too - no two year old should being dragged around like that. Your daughter is doing her best to make a better life for herself. Good for her. Care work is not going to give them a good life. It’s minimum wage as far as I know. I think it’s amazing that she’s prepared to do all she’s doing. It might be hard on you all for a while but it will be worth it when’s she’s finished her degree and has a better job. She will be able to have childcare help when her son is old enough. I appreciate you may not see her need for a better life if you’ve “made do” in yours but you should be proud of her wanting a better quality of life. When my kids are adults I’ll do anything for them and their kids if it helps them,tired or not. I think you need to step up and be there as much as she needs you. That’s what family is for.

Inheritance? Our parents have frig all to leave so that's not a worry. I wouldn't even think about inheritance when looking after my mum, but when it comes to mil I'll just think back to whether we've ever received any form of care from her...

Not read the whole thread but I am a single student parent. While I was doing my access course, my childcare fees were paid by my college because I applied for their hardship fund. They also paid a bit towards my fuel costs to get to college. This was a massive help. Now I'm at university there is a childcare grant that's part of student finance. When your DD starts at uni and applies for her student loan, she will estimate childcare costs from an Ofsted registered childcare establishment. These costs get verified with the provider 3 times a year.
As an allied health professional student, I was unable to apply for a place on either a midwifery or paramedic science course due to the requirement to work shifts and this not fitting in with my childcare (I don't live anywhere near my family). So my course choice was more limited than a non-parent. But I'm still doing a degree in something I love and can't wait to qualify.

Your DD may have to retrain as something other than what she has her heart set on, or wait 10+ years until her child is old enough to cope with the shift patterns.
It's not your responsibility to be her child care. She can't claim it back if you're not Ofsted registered.