AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

Dare I ask? Where is the child's father and his family? Most people want some contact with their child and grandchild, so even if the relationship between your daughter and the child's father isn't working, there may be options for some contact which might ease the load on everyone.

The uni probably has a nursery of its own. If she waits/defers by a year, she can use his free hours. She's also going to find it very difficult juggling studies with working all evening. I think she may need to sit down and think what is achievable.

Yes, she will have to make alternative arrangements which she undoubtedly will.

Yes, undoubtedly she will assume that the alternative arrangement is that her mother will "help with that" by providing all the childcare.

You are not being unreasonable ! Love them greatly but responsibility lies with the parent.
She needs to make better plans.

I can't help wondering about the age of some of the posters on here as their comments lead me to think that they do not realise how much people's energy levels drop as they age. I am mid 50's, the op has not stated her age, but I'm guessing she is probably similar to me or older. The fact is looking after a 2 year old is tiring at any age but for most people by the time you reach your 50's you find that your physical capabilities are vastly different to what they were in your 30's. I think that looking after your gc one day a week is enough and to expect you to do more when you have made it clear that you find it exhasting is wrong. Your daughter's childcare arrangments are her responsibility not yours and she needs to make her choices accordingly.

Are you able to help her out financially? If you carried on with your one day a week, she has her 2 days childcare and you funded another day or two for her for now?

Alternatively, and what I feel is the best thing is that she waits until he's in school and does the uni course then, she seems desperate to get everything done now for their future but she really needs to put the child's needs first.

Driving around with him till 10pm at night is ridiculous, surely she can manage on her day job with tax credits topup and any help she can get from the dad until school starts. I know moneys tight, it is for lots of people and she needs more but she really needs to face reality.

Could you not help her now a couple of evening a week. He must be exhausted getting no sleep and going to bed after 10pm each night. At 2 he could be in bed by 7pm every night. When he is 3 and gets 15 hours free childcare then 30 hours at 4 life will be easier. She is trying to secure a better future for herself and son and just needs a bit of help now. I have dgs on 3 and know they are energetic but lack of sleep probably makes your dgs harder to handle.

Say NO now OP ...

I can't help wondering about the age of some of the posters on here as their comments lead me to think that they do not realise how much people's energy levels drop as they age. I am mid 50's, the op has not stated her age, but I'm guessing she is probably similar to me or older. The fact is looking after a 2 year old is tiring at any age but for most people by the time you reach your 50's you find that your physical capabilities are vastly different to what they were in your 30's.

Yes, that is why we have the menopause - it's nature's way of ensuring that you can only have kids when you are young enough to have the energy to take care of them properly.

What is the child doing while his mum is actually delivering? If he is left in the car there is reduced safety if he goes to the door that is not very safe. A few delivery drivers have been attacked for the money that they carry or even the food. How safe can it be to have a child out till 10pm going around in a delivery vehicle.

Op YANBU to not feel up to looking after a toddler 5 days a week but purely from your last post you do sound a BIT unreasonable in your attitude towards your daughter trying to better herself. Say if you could take your grandson 2 days per week instead of one you could really do your bit in terms of helping them to have a better life. If you have health problems which are making this too hard then I would try to help her in any way you can, even if it's just to access the right funding and support. Wanting her to stay in a poorly paid job and scrape by really isn't wanting the best for her

The uni probably has a nursery of its own

There are a lot fewer of these now. Many have closed. It's possible but I wouldn't count on it.

You have to do what you think is wright!! Me I’m the idiot that would end up looking after the child as much as my daughter needed. Every year my New Years resolution is learn to say no to my family!! Maybe next year lol who am I kidding!! Just not in me not to help family!!

I am 74 now and was 62 when I started minding dgc.

YANBU Why do an awful lot of grown up children think it's a done deal that their parents will look after their children. Why should they? Haven't they earned their right to enjoy their later years, in any way they choose.

You have to do what you think is wright!! Me I’m the idiot that would end up looking after the child as much as my daughter needed. Every year my New Years resolution is learn to say no to my family!! Maybe next year lol who am I kidding!! Just not in me not to help family!!

it's a blessing you're still fit and healthy enough to continue giving the support.. alot of people are not so lucky ..

It was the norm years ago for family to help each other out

Helping out ought to just mean the odd babysitting here and there, maybe having them whilst the parents go out for the evening, or maybe the odd overnight if parents want a night away.

Anything more should be entirely voluntary and not expected by anyone.

Grandparents have raised their own children, often have worked for many years too. When they have the chance to retire they should be allowed to enjoy their well earned break from full time commitments. Many aren't able to return until mid 60s as it is - surely by that stage they should be allowed to have time to themselves to concentrate on the things they want to do, and to follow their own retirement dreams - whether it is a new hobby, travelling or whatever.

I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my parents to look after my child for most of the week.

And this is not a short term plan. This is major long term - a paramedic will mean shifts and needing childcare at times when your normal paid for childcare isn't available.

Nobody is addressing what these grandparents who offer zero/minimal support are going to expect when they become old.
My mum is amazing and helpful, I wouldn't hesitate for one second to take her meals and even have her live with us 24-7 when she gets elderly and needs us.
My mil thinks the kids are just our responsibility and doesn't buy them anything unless it's Christmas or a birthday, childcare for 1 or 2 evenings a year with lots of moaning, and even charges us for milk or nappies if she picks it up (we are poor she is not), I will definitely just be letting her go to a home!

I completely agree this shouldn’t be a long term 5 days per week ‘job’ and the daughter needs to consider how this will work long term.

However, if we’re talking about some help to get a single mum through university and potentially better hers and the OPs grandsons life for ever after then I think the OP is being really quite unreasonable.

To the people saying older people should have complete freedom to live their lives however they wish and not help out at all - great while they themselves are in good health etc but as soon as they become elderly or ill they will expect (quite rightly) they’re loving families help - that’s what families are for but it works both ways. By the time the OP is elderly the daughter may wish to be free of responsibility too...that’s not meant to sound harsh but it just demonstrates how generations should support each other.

Cross post ohshitonit! Well put!

Say Yes I wouldn’t let my daughter down when she is trying to better herself for the both of them especially getting away from a care assistant job. It won’t be forever. I wouldn’t want to see my 2yr GS having to be out so late. Goodness how hard is it to look after a sleeping child. BTW I have done this and was working part time. The upside I have brilliant relationship with my grandson now and he’s 11.

YADNBU. It is really entitled (and unfair) of your daughter to expect this. I call upon my mum in some holidays, but not more than 1-2 days, and always ask her before hand if it suits her schedule.

I suspect those who think that once you have raised your child to an adult then that marks the end of your social contract, are also those same people who think that it is fine to step away from a frail parent because you never asked to be a carer. But, that's a bit of an assumption and I'd like to know if I'm wrong.

Yes clyd! I love my mum so much and when she's been poorly (has a long term health condition) I drop everything. My mil let me drive myself to hospital in labour...enough said

Yanbu, I work partly for time away from my toddler (as much as I love her, it's bloody hard). Shift work is hard enough to accommodate with two parents as I have experience of. It only works in our family because my work pattern can accommodate dh's shifts. Otherwise we would pretty much need a nanny (paid, not dgp's). It doesnt get that much easier at school age imo. Short dsys, clubs etc.