AIBU to not have my grandson 5 days a week?

[Liliana75]

Hi, my grandson is 2 years old. He's a lot of hard work but lovely of course. My daughter is in her late 20s and was doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son. He goes nursery 2 times a week and I have him on a Friday which completely tires me out. My daughter has just started an access course at college and doesn't do her job anymore but is a delivery person from 5pm-10pm and my grandson goes with her which isn't ideal but I just can't have him all those times 5 days a week but it works ok for now but I had to ask what she will do when she goes to university as she plans to be a paramedic!! She says she was hoping I'd help. I absolutely love my daughter but that's very expecting and I just can't have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more. I can't do it all. AIBU?

And yes if the daughter has to wait a year, fine, but she was short most months money wise and struggling, wouldn't a normal mother help her daughter either financially or with childcare?

OP IS helping.

But that's not good enough for her fickle daughter. She wants more and more and more.

With absolutely no forward planning. Do not give an inch as she is clearly going to take many miles.

”she was short most months money wise and struggling, wouldn't a normal mother help her daughter either financially or with childcare?”

There’s a world of difference between this:

”...doing well for herself working as a care assistant and providing for her son” OP later said daughter was a bit short but got by. So fine, with OP providing childcare on a Friday.

and choosing to give up a stable job and drag a two year old round all evening until 10pm plus ”have him for 3 days a week and she will need to still work the evenings too and will probably want me to have him more”

I’m sure lots of people would love to chuck in their job and follow their dream, but not everyone is in a position to do that immediately.

She doesn't have to go to uni full time. She can start as an emergency care assistant and then do (I think) two years of a uni course and keep working whilst she's doing it. She needs to look into this again.

However I do wonder what you think about the future?

Lndnmummy, Do you mean the future where the dd is working twelve hour shifts, when she might need childcare for fourteen hours, or longer if she's on a nightshift and has to sleep during the day? That future? Because I still haven't seen anyone offer a viable solution for that eventuality.

And op hasn't said, but her own parents may well be still alive and possibly needing help at some point.

And finally, why has no-one suggested the dd's dad help out? Why is it all up to her mum?

I don’t think Yabu but that poor child being out in the car 5-10 5 nights a week. I think that’s awful.

And finally, why has no-one suggested the dd's dad help out? Why is it all up to her mum?

A few people have mentioned the dad but I think, given the op didn't mention him at all, most have assumed that he is not on the scene.

People have mentioned the little boy's dad. I don't think anyone's mentioned the dd's dad, the little boy's granddad. The expectation seems to be that the grandma will do all the care.

Ah, sorry miss, you're right. I totally misread your post and answered a question you didn't ask. I knew I should have been a politician.

What about you paying for the childcare if she cant afford it?

sweetpea55 What childcare options are there for overnight care?

However I do wonder what you think about the future? If you need care when you are older, would you expect your daughter to do it or would you pay a carer? If you needed residential care would you expect your daughter to “help out” or would you see it as “your responsibility” to sort it out for yourself and graciously accept when she says “it’s too much” for her to help you?

maybe she'll actually sit down with her daughter and discuss her needs and 'ask for her help, not say, 'this is what I'm doing, please do this...'

Not to mention we don't know how much the OP has already done, so maybe her daughter already 'owes' her, if you want to look at it like that.

I cannot believe some of the posts on this thread. The utter expectation that the OP must help her daughter, is obliged to help her daughter (Won't someone think of the child...) when her DD has made all these decisions (ill thought-out) without a by-your-leave, or could you help me? to her mother!

What about you paying for the childcare if she cant afford it

Speechless.

I think she will get a childcare grant from the uni. Plus your grandson will get more hours of nursery for free then. I think it would be a good idea for you to think about how much help you are happy to give her ona weekly basis and clarify that to her very specifically so she can start to think now. Also, your grandson will become less hard work as he gets older, especially if he makes some nice friends you can have around too to play with him. If she starts thinking about it now there may be a way a of sharing some childcare with another local parent. But the key is for you to be honest and clear about how much help you are willing to give her. Then she won't feel let down when the time comes and you won't feel taken advantage of.

Sorry but your daughter isn’t thinking about your welfare at all. If she’d sat you down initially and asked how you’d feel about helping out at the start of her potential new ventures it’d be one thing, she’s literally just expecting you to pick up the slack. Cheeky cow

She could be eligible for 2 year old funding which would give her 15 hours a week free childcare too. Get her to have a look into it :)

Not your responsability.
He will qualify for 30 free hours soon and she will get help towards nursery costs through tax credits.
Also...... his dad is where???

I feel for you OP, the expectation on grandparents these days seems so much. I have two amazing but hard work boys both under two. I'm most likely going to have to give up work as childcare is more than I earn and I would never ask my mum to step in for childcare on a regular basis. I personally feel (and this is my opinion only) that I'd rather my mum enjoy her grandchildren and babysit ad hoc. She's had them for a day here and there and she gets exhausted, so I would feel guilty asking her to do it permanently.

She should qualify for 15 hours free childcare soon? I think she might need to readjust her expectations and perhaps certain life choices need to wait until children are in school.

Good luck OP, I hope it gets resolved

The diabolical liberties grown children take with their middle aged/elderly parents in relation to childcare never ceases to amaze me.
Your grandson is not your responsibility.
He is hers , and ONLY hers.
She herself as an adult is not your responsibility either.
Do not compromise your life and the quality of it to have her offload your grandson onto you.
She will have to find a way to study and afford childcare with some help from the State.
There is so much more I'd like to say about this but I'll keep it short and to the point.
Tell her in absolutely no uncertain terms you are not prepared to do it because you're not up to it. And do not feel one iota of guilt or allow her to wheedle you round.
Stand firm.
Good luck.

YANBU - I had no help whatsoever with childcare or babysitting from parents & In Laws etc but as an older mum our parents are also older so I didn’t expect and they didn’t offer. I did ask for half a day a week but was knocked back.
Does she not get assistance with nursery costs from the government if not yet she should be soon? If she goes to Uni their is Childcare Grant available to her to assist with childcare costs up to 75% of the costs if her household income is low i.e. if she’s a single parent providing she uses an OFSTED registered provider if she isn’t a single parent can her partner ex partner not help out or find a job around her job. I think 1 full day or two half days help is more than reasonable an expectation of anything else from your daughter especially as you are finding it hard is taking the pee.

I think the daughter is being a bit unreasonable IF she is expecting full time child care 5 days a week. Seems as though that hasn’t really been discussed, just the thought of ‘more’ help.

It does however sound like the OP could do more but would prefer not to...that I can’t understand at all. Not if they’re a happy, normal functioning family. Is it help not just for the next couple of years, not the next 18.

Someone mentioned earlier in the thread that grandparents should consider the care and help they might want in later old age and I actually really agree.

Having our own children and raising them is for our own benefit, not theirs, it’s the help we give each other as adults that counts for something.

My MIL is currently run ragged caring almost 24/7 for her elderly parents who stubbornly refuse to consider outside help or a home...apparently they never helped my MIL with the children once when my husband was young yet now expect the world. Difficult old people can be as exhausting as toddlers - physically and emotionally.

My parents live abroad, actively state they’d hate to babysit grandchildren more than once a year (for an hour!!) because it’s ‘their turn now’ and they’ve ‘done their bit’ - trouble is my bit is apparently just beginning as I’ve had to make two trips over this year to help them with health issues. It’s only going to get worse financially and emotionally. I love them but I wish I could really feel that they deserve my help because of ALL the help they’ve given me but truth be told I’ve had their love but zero help since becoming an adult at 18.

Nobody HAS to help but I think the generations work far better together when they do help.

I also forgot to mention....how on earth is she thinking of becoming a paramedic ?
Presumably she's a single mother.
Shift work is a non starter if you're a single parent with a small child.
She is punching way way above her weight.
She can think about becoming a paramedic only if
A) She meets Mr Wonderful or
B) In around 15 years time when her son can be left alone.

I am slightly disturbed by the general tone of the conversation. Yes, the poster has no obligation to look after her grandchild and it is entirely her choice how much or how little she can/should do. What I find disturbing is the level of judgement and vitriol levelled at her daughter's career choice. Yes, she will have to make alternative arrangements which she undoubtedly will. As yet there is no indication that she is complaining about that. Most of us seem to be of the generation of no tuition fees and significantly cheaper childcare so why don't we be a little cautious calling a young woman who, to all intents and purposes, is working hard to better her own life and her child's life, money grabbing or badly organised. We are not in her shoes, we do not really know the story other than that her mother is asking for reassurance from her peers that it is ok to choose not to do more than one day of childcare (even refusing that would be ok as it is entirely her choice how much or how little she helps). Let's stop bedevilling a young woman we do not know

I was asking what OPs thoughts and expectations were on her future needs. In her heart, what was she hoping for? My parents have done nothing ever for me or my children. When the day comes that they will need care and support I shall not be providing it. Regardless of the emotional pressure I know I will be put under.
I will not bear the cost of the care they will need either.
My mother in law has despite her own Ill health done everything in her power to support me, emotionally more than practically due to said health. I love her dearly and would never ever see her in a home. I would relocate to care for her if I needed to.
My own mum, never.

Totally agree Lndnmummy - though I’m just going to have to help because I love them.
My parents just don’t get it - they came to stay with us most of the summer and just laughed when we mentioned about a bit of babysitting, basically saying ‘being a parent is hard’ live with it. Thing is my nana lived with us and babysat all the time - they had an amazing social life and free babysitting at all times!!