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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not attending parents evening?

397 replies

GreenLantern53 · 09/10/2018 17:56

I told my child teacher I wouldnt be able to attend parents evening and she didnt look impressed. aibu not attending?

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 10/10/2018 18:47

There are many reasons she may have given you a funny look
Maybe your child is doing really badly and so she thinks you need to attend to discuss it?
Maybe your child has lots of extra needs that again need to be looked at?
Maybe you attend every opening of an envelope at school so she was surprised you weren’t coming?
Maybe your child never does thier homework so she sees that there is a severe lack of parental input
Maybe you and your DH are unemployed so she thinks you would be able to make it
Maybe she was trying to hold on a fart

Who know, you havnt really given us anything to go on!!!

Bobaboutwhat · 10/10/2018 18:49

Even if you think giving the teacher the reason for why you cant attend isn’t relevant....it is on here ‘cause you’re asking if you’re being unreasonable Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/10/2018 18:53

I suspect that the reason the OP doesn’t want to share her reason for missing Parents’ Evening (either with the teacher or with us) is that it is pretty trivial, and would be judged negatively.

As I said earlier - I can’t think of any valid reason for missing Parents’ Evening that couldn’t be mentioned in front of others, even if only in general terms. Ie. I could understand someone not wanting to say they were going for a smear or for haemorrhoid surgery, having psychotherapy, or that they were seeing a debt counsellor - but they could simply say ‘I’m afraid I have an important appointment that can’t be rescheduled - could I make an appointment for a chat another time, please?’

bandthenjust · 10/10/2018 18:54

brieandchilli Grin haha

ednakenneth · 10/10/2018 18:54

If you are not able to attend and will not give the reasons, then the teacher is going to come to the wrong conclusion. If you are bothered why not make another appointment with the teacher which is convenient for you both. You have to understand that teachers have been at work all day, some from 7am and giving up an evening to see parents it is only fair you try to attend.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 10/10/2018 18:57

Tbh most parents evening I have been going to are a waste of time.

Even more the first one where I ahve always been told ‘dc has settled well. He is doing great’ every single time even when said dc hadn’t settle well, was bloody anxious and actually had issues....
And dint get me started about te teacher who tried to tell you there is an issue but wo telling you and the message nearly got missed.

But yes I went because it’s showing the dc I care about them and school.

But the reality is that if there is a problem, going to see the teacher at another time is the best thing you can do.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 10/10/2018 18:58

Errr I have to say I’m missing the logic there ed
I’m not attending a parent evening for the sake of the teacher. They’d be quiet tenhappy not to see me if it means finishing a bit earlier anyway!
If I’m attending it’s for the sake of my dcs.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 10/10/2018 19:17

I don't expect parents to see me for my sake. But then I also don't expect to have to eat even further into my time to provide extra appointments on different days if the allocated nights clearly aren't a priority for them.

Iseveryusernametaken · 10/10/2018 19:19

YANBU for not being able to attend due to late notice and work. YABU for being rude and dismissive to the teacher, which is clearly why she gave you a look. She will be judging you because of your delivery, rather than reasons in the same way as many parents. It is important for parents to engage with school and develop a relationship with a class teacher. Why would you not want to when your child spends the majority of their day with them?

I usually manage to wiggle meetings so that I can attend, but last year had one where I had already booked meetings in ROI when the date was announced (I'm UK based). I spoke to the teacher though and she was happy to arrange something separately because of this. If there had been a huge problem one of my parents or my DP (not DD's DF) would have attended on my behalf, but I wanted to go.

Nicknacky · 10/10/2018 19:21

ohdear I think you are being unfair there. My kids education is very important to me, but if I’m working then I’m working and can’t make it. Nothing to do with priorities.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 10/10/2018 19:27

I hate our parents evening

They are fucking awful with a buzzer that goes every four minutes which after the second or third ring just sends me into a rage!!

I am only partially joiking

If i could make individual teacher appointments I probably would but saying that its ds2 last school parents evening so i feel i should represent

I think its important to go if you can...but I certainly wouldnt police it for anyone else

Tinkobell · 10/10/2018 19:30

I know my kids would be pretty gutted if I didn't get to a parents evening. They're always dying to know what was said about them afterwards. Sometimes DH has been away and couldn't make it which he feels terrible about. OP doesn't sound like they're going to loose too much sleep over not attending.

cansu · 10/10/2018 19:31

The appropriate response would be to either say or write a note on the form saying I am sorry that I can't attend. If you have any concerns you need to discuss could you please telephone or I am happy to come in at another time.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 10/10/2018 19:32

We've no idea what the OP's priorities are. She refused to tell the teacher why she couldn't make the appointment and has also refused to tell us. Her right. But then, it would also be my right, if I were the teacher in this case to shrug as well and say OK, never mind, skip it.

basquiat · 10/10/2018 19:33

I understand where zzzzzzz is coming from. My children do well in school, parents evening is usually one teacher after another saying "he/she's doing well". So in some cases, the discussions themselves are not exactly directly useful.

We still always go though, because it's a pretty important part of the relationship between us and the school, and it's nice to have contact with our kids' teachers every now and then! We hear about them enough in dinner-time conversation after all. So in that sense, it is useful. I like to get to know them a bit.

holey · 10/10/2018 19:38

Not being able to attend is fine but not arranging an alternative would put you in the same category as those who can't be bothered to attend or the ones who make an appointment them fail to show up. On the week that parents' eve fell and often the week after as well I always had a number of parents popping in before and after school if they were unable to make the day itself.

theWarOnPeace · 10/10/2018 19:41

Ffs 6 pages in, and still no reason given? Right, ok. YABU.

Suebreo · 10/10/2018 19:43

The teacher should make you an appointment on a day u can make it, the primary school my 3 attended always did

MakeAHouseAHome · 10/10/2018 19:46

Even if you think it is the most pointless waste of time (which I totally disagree with by the way as, it is an opportunity to create an important relationship with your childs teacher/ask your own questions - it isn't a 1 way dialogue but a 2 way conversation if you actually make the effort) but even IF you think it is a waste of time, it is an hour or two, twice a year to just demonstrate to your child that you care enough to be there. Why wouldn't you move heaven and earth to be there!?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/10/2018 19:51

@GreenLantern53 you don't have to give them a reason.

Schools seem to assume that everyone can just drop everything to attend every meeting.

I've happily told my DDs school "No I can't attended, I'll email you with any concerns/ questions I have" and that's always been sufficient.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/10/2018 19:55

@GreenLantern53 and you won't be the only one not going.

My DDs school always run these meetings between 3-5pm and I don't finish work until 5! I don't know why they can't have some later slots for working parents

iamthere123 · 10/10/2018 19:59

As a teacher I've never had a problem with parents that can't come due to work commitments, having to look after lots of children that they don't want to have to bring or sudden problems, but then parents have always said that they can't come for so and so a reason and not just said "I'm not coming!" I always offer the parents either another slot (before school, after school on other days) or even a phone call just to update them. It's a two way street - parents shouldn't have to bend over backwards, but neither should I.

Maryann1975 · 10/10/2018 20:00

As everyone else has said, if you have a proper reason for not going to the prearranged evenings, that’s fine, but you should have asked if it were possible to make an appointment at a mutually convenient time. Ds teacher did a phone app last year, which was much easier for me (I’m a childminder, so an early work finish for me means 6 other families also have to finish early). Teacher was quite happy with this, it took less than10 minutes, I showed I was bothered to both her, the school and ds and I was reassured all was well at school (I did have a bit of an issue, and it was solved over the phone). All good.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 10/10/2018 20:01

The teacher should make you an appointment on a day u can make it,

Should she fuck!! Times that by 30 (or many more, for secondary), and she'd be there all term.

Pieceofpurplesky · 10/10/2018 20:01

The OP clearly has something to do that is not work related otherwise she would have said in here and to the teacher

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