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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect to split the bill?

141 replies

killingtime9198 · 09/10/2018 14:00

I'm getting married in a few weeks and, as my mother and MIL to be aren't invited to my hen (they wouldn't want to come even if they were as I think it will be quite heavy on the booze and not local to them!) I thought it would be nice to have a lunch with them and my SIL to be as a sort of unofficial family hen. I haven't called it that or anything, I just invited them to meet for lunch this weekend on a 'wouldn't it be nice to get together just us girls before the wedding' sort of basis.

My question is, who does the MN jury think should pay in this scenario? My initial thought was that I invited them, therefore I should pay. However, things are a lot tighter than I thought they would be in the run up to the wedding (as I'm sure is always the way....) so it would be amazing if we split the bill. Do people think that, if that were offered, it would be okay for me to accept?

The other reason I ask is to try to avoid the awkward who pays the bill dance when it comes....

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 18:41

Haha how the lower classes live eh?

I thought your ‘wide’ experience covered ‘all social classes, professions, culture and nationality’...

PiggyPoos · 10/10/2018 18:41

If I was meeting for lunch I'd expect & be happy to contribute to the bill.

Im my peasant circles it's normal to split and adults meal out, whatever the occasion

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 19:58

@manderine you do realise not everyone can afford to pay for such lavish celebrations for large groups of people?
Maybe my friends are just more relaxed and honest? If someone is arranging something you can't afford then you don't go and nobody is hurt or offended. As a group we are pretty open about our finances so tend to plan activities that suit all budgets.

My friends 40th was an open invitation. Those who can afford it have decided to go and are paying their own way ....no obligations or hurt feelings.

@tatiana I was taking the piss 🙄
I'm from a very working class background, DH is privately educated. We're both academics who travel extensively. We have a real mix of friends and neither of us have ever heard of the host paying for everything except in very, very exceptional circumstances ( we once went to a birthday party hosted by a lord and everything was paid for)

Bluelady · 10/10/2018 20:13

I paid for private dining, welcome drinks and wine for my husband's 60th and nobody expected to pay for anything. We're not nobility btw.

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 20:23

Blaa - I don’t think it’s about money at all really, it’s about attitude. For instance, when I was a student and basically living on Shreddies, I celebrated my birthday by making a massive vege curry and having a typical kind of house party in the student shared house. Cheap wine etc, though to be fair, people did bring a bottle. So that was it and it was great. I certainly wouldn’t have said - “I want to go to this restaurant or this day out. It will be £xx for you all - thanks very much.”

The point of an invitation surely is that you are providing something that’s worth people coming out for. You are offering hospitality and inviting to share it with them. Otherwise, how is it your event at all? It’s just a normal standard get- together, nothing different because you are providing nothing in the way of food, entertainment or hospitality for your guests - even though they are bringing you gifts!

There is no law to say you have to go abroad for your birthday or be extravagant in any way. All I’m saying is, I would rather actually host my friends at my own event, whatever that may be and whatever the budget stretches to, rather than put expectations on them or make them feel obliged.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 20:24

I’d consider that exceptional circumstances and relatively rare. Also out of most peoples price range.

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 20:29

We have a real mix of friends and neither of us have ever heard of the host paying for everything except in very, very exceptional circumstances ( we once went to a birthday party hosted by a lord and everything was paid for)

How much of a mix can you have when you have never ever come across or heard of something that is very common - and not specific to any background?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 20:31

Of course it’s about attitude and context.
Most people I know just send a WhatsApp or Facebook message saying I’m thinking of going out on x date to x place let me know if you fancy it. The expectation would always be that people pay for themselves.
Maybe my gatherings are more informal than yours...plus my immediate friends and I see an awful lot of each other and we regularly have meals and drinks out and the bill always gets split.

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 20:32

There is no law to say you have to go abroad for your birthday or be extravagant in any way. All I’m saying is, I would rather actually host my friends at my own event, whatever that may be and whatever the budget stretches to, rather than put expectations on them or make them feel obliged.

I agree. It’s really cheeky to arrange your birthday abroad and then expect people to pay for the privilege. Ditto some ghastly sporting activity that no-one can be arsed to do but feels obliged to do anyway.

Desmondo2016 · 10/10/2018 20:35

I would expect to be splitting the bill in this situation, both as the guest and as the OP.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 20:39

Of course there's no law. But as a group of friends we have talked about how much we'd love to go to a certain place and someone suggested going for a significant birthday.....we all know each other well enough to say no.

We're a social group and look for any excuse to travel or go out. People dip in to what they can afford, want to go to etc..... an invitation is just that. It's not compulsory

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 20:41

My friend has just invited me to the theatre.... should I be expecting her to cover the cost of my ticket because it was her idea??? No of course not. I'll be transferring money to her asap

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 20:42

Maybe my gatherings are more informal than yours...plus my immediate friends and I see an awful lot of each other and we regularly have meals and drinks out and the bill always gets split

I do that too all the time. But for someone’s birthday, anniversary, special occasion - someone might invite us out and expect to pay or we would invite them out ditto.

I’m not sure why there’s such bafflement that this happens.

stoplickingthetelly · 10/10/2018 20:42

I think it's absolutely fine to split the bill. I've been invited to lots of things and always expect to pay. Likewise I've invited friends to things and they expect to pay too. I've never really encountered this 'you invite so you pay' thing in real life. To me it seems like something the exists only in the world of mumsnet.

greendale17 · 10/10/2018 20:44

Only on mumsnet does suggesting going out for dinner mean you have to pay for everyone.

^So true! Anyway I would split it 3 ways

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 20:46

Depends on the phrasing if you say ‘I’d like to see this, shall we go together’ it’s informal and you pay for yourself.

But if I invite someone to the theatre for their birthday or a treat or because my husband can’t go and the ticket is spare - I’d expect to pay for it.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 20:47

I find your bafflement strange too@tatiana

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 20:48

I agree with Tatiana and BlueLady. Saying to a friend, “There’s such and such on at the theatre, fancy going to see it?” is totally different to - “For my birthday, I will be going to see Les Mis. It will be £90 - here’s my card details. Hope you can make it. Thanks”. Of course people can decline, but it’s just an odd thing to do in the first place.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 20:49

My goodness...you must tie yourself in knots interpreting invitations! How do you know which you're expected to pay for yourself?? What happens if you get it wrong??

Madness I tell thee 😂

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 20:53

Except I’m not baffled. Or rather I’m just baffled by your bafflement.

I’m aware that some people expect to pay for themsleves, I do that half the time myself. Whereas you’re apparently completely unaware that there is any other way of doing things.

So I see both and you only see one not the other.

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 20:55

When my mum turned 60, I was 28 and not earning much. I wanted to do a surprise party with all her relatives friends, so I found a very reasonably priced restaurant with a fixed-price menu and booked it for maybe 30 people. So I knew ahead how much it would cost - no stress. I could hardly ask people to show up and pay for thenselves, could I? Some of them were pensioners! It was probably several hundred pounds which was a lot of money to me at the time, but well worth it for my mum and the memory of getting everyone together that day.

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 20:55

How do you know which you're expected to pay for yourself?? What happens if you get it wrong??

You clarify at the time. Getting it wrong does happen - both ways.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 20:56

@mandarine well it wouldn't be phrased like that obviously....not for something so expensive. We would have a discussion about it. If people couldn't make it then we wouldn't do it or I'd do it with my DH and something else with friends.

Bluelady · 10/10/2018 20:57

No bafflement. Hospitality means paying. Simple really.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 20:58

@tatiania I'm not unaware. I just don't think it's as common as people on MN make out. But it's hardly representative of society

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