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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect to split the bill?

141 replies

killingtime9198 · 09/10/2018 14:00

I'm getting married in a few weeks and, as my mother and MIL to be aren't invited to my hen (they wouldn't want to come even if they were as I think it will be quite heavy on the booze and not local to them!) I thought it would be nice to have a lunch with them and my SIL to be as a sort of unofficial family hen. I haven't called it that or anything, I just invited them to meet for lunch this weekend on a 'wouldn't it be nice to get together just us girls before the wedding' sort of basis.

My question is, who does the MN jury think should pay in this scenario? My initial thought was that I invited them, therefore I should pay. However, things are a lot tighter than I thought they would be in the run up to the wedding (as I'm sure is always the way....) so it would be amazing if we split the bill. Do people think that, if that were offered, it would be okay for me to accept?

The other reason I ask is to try to avoid the awkward who pays the bill dance when it comes....

OP posts:
sockunicorn · 09/10/2018 16:06

i would think you split the bill evenly, however im sure your mum/MIL will (hopefully) fight it out to pay.

i dont go by the "you invited..." rule, as that means everytime i suggested a lunch or a playdate i should pay? no. and i dont expect to be paid for if i go for a meal with friends.

UNLESS theyve done loads for the wedding and this looks like a thank you meal

PinkHeart5914 · 09/10/2018 16:08

You should absolutely be the one paying! Bit cheeky to invite them imo and they not be prepared to paid

If they decline your offer then it gets split 4 ways

DitheringBlidiot · 09/10/2018 16:10

I’d be very suprised if they weren’t expecting to pay. If you invite someone over for dinner and then expect them to pay for a take away then that’s cf but if someone invited me out for dinner or lunch it would never occur to me not to pay unless they said it was their treat. Most normal people couldn’t socialise if they paid for everyone everyone they suggested lunch or dinner

Celebelly · 09/10/2018 16:10

Yeah, I've done a lot of lunching over the years (I used to work evenings so would often meet friends for lunch/coffee during the day, etc.) and the 'You suggested meeting up so you pay' thing just does not happen in real life in any sphere I've operated in. Thankfully. Or I think I'd just stop suggesting meet-ups to people and become a hermit instead.

TheOrigFV45 · 09/10/2018 16:13

I don't think MN can answer this for you. It really depends on your family dynamic and how open you all are.

chocatoo · 09/10/2018 16:15

If I invite people to something 'special' then I expect to pay. However, as it's your Mum and MIL, I reckon they'll both offer and you could graciously accept - perhaps you could 'insist' on them at least letting you buy the wine or the puds or the tip or something. I think you should be the first to get your purse out though and 'try' to pay (but don't try too hard Smile.

KingsScorn · 09/10/2018 16:17

I would expect to split the bill unless you said it was 'your treat'.

However, it partly depends upon the financial situation/dynamics in the family. What do you normally do when you go out for family meals? In my family we are expected to pay for parents on both sides, in a friend's they all split the bill (happiest, closest, family I know incidentally and they go out together often) and in another friend's the parents usually pay...

runsmidgeOMG · 09/10/2018 16:19

But to those saying they should offer to pay? How do you afford it ? Does this mean I can't organise a birthday meal with friends As I cant afford to pay? I've never heard of having to pay for anyone else unless it's a wedding/ christening etc

FelicisWolf · 09/10/2018 16:19

My friends and family didn't allow me to pay for anything for my hen, and no way would I be able to afford to have paid for everyone anyway! So if it's a mini hen, I'm. It sure why they would expect you to pay for them anyway? And with regards to you inviting them, if I organise a meal out with friends then I certainly don't expect I would have to pay for their meal just because I'm the organiser! I think they would be pretty cf to expect you to pay for the whole shebang to be honest

isseywithcats · 09/10/2018 16:21

a couple of weeks ago i was the mom in this same scenario, there were my daughter (bride), son in law to be, 3 grandchildren, myself and partner night before the wedding after we had decorated the room, in a restaurant , i knew that groom to be would pay and insist on us not, so i waited till he went outside and went and payed half of the bill before he could stop me, so either way wether you pay or the moms split the bill i dont think anyone will get offended

BarbedBloom · 09/10/2018 16:21

Split. My friends and I always invite each other to dinner and meals and would never expect the person doing the inviting to pay for everything. Only difference is for special occasions we always pay for the person celebrating

Backstabbath · 09/10/2018 16:22

Sorry but anyone who says the op should pay is fucking talking shit...only on MN are you expected to foot the whole bill just because you came up with the idea...

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2018 16:23

I think you should pay in the circumstances. You’ve already invited them now, it’s a one off and it can’t add much to the total wedding bill.

If you were proposing an informal pay for yourself lunch you should have said so at the time.

Otherwise your MIL and SIL will remember it as the time you invited them out and didn’t pay. Not a great introduction to the family.

bellabasset · 09/10/2018 16:25

If you and your dh are funding the costs of the wedding then it's fair to split the costs as you would for the hen night.

If family are making a significant contribution to the reception costs then you should pay.

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2018 16:25

Does this mean I can't organise a birthday meal with friends As I cant afford to pay? I've never heard of having to pay for anyone else unless it's a wedding/ christening etc

It is a wedding. It’s just not the wedding.

Completely different scenario to a birthday meal with friends. Although it’s wise to set the terms for that upfront to avoid confusion.

Brakebackcyclebot · 09/10/2018 16:28

in my family, we would all pay for ourselves on a family meal out like that.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 09/10/2018 16:30

Can you have a look on groupon or similar for your area?? You can get some excellent deals that won't break the bank ime!

But yes, I bet your DM and MIL will be battling to foot the bill

Rhondacross · 09/10/2018 16:32

Like hell are you expected to pay! It's a substitute for the hen do and you're not paying for that are you?
My hen night was a nice meal out and guess what? I didn't even pay for my own.

Rudgie47 · 09/10/2018 16:47

I would expect everyone to pay for themselves on the basis of what they had.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2018 16:48

If it's like most hen things I've been to (even though it's not the main hen-do) then the more usual thing is to split the bill, or even to refuse to allow the hen to pay at all and everyone else chip in extra to cover her bill too.

myron · 09/10/2018 16:58

Well, it's just yet another expense in the lead up to the wedding isn't it? Is your DM & MIL making any financial contribution towards the wedding?

If I was skint, I would still treat them as a thank you for all their support otherwise it would be just another unnecessary expense on someone's part - yours or theirs to the pre wedding costs.

myron · 09/10/2018 17:08

I KNOW that both my parents and MIL would expect us to pay if we had invited them out for lunch/dinner/special event - it's not like inviting your friends to join you at the pub for a meal & drinks is it and where everyone splits the bill. it's just not the same. Now if it was a regular event, my parents & I take turns to pay for Sunday lunch out.

I think that it's a bit of a CF thing to do to invite people out for a special lunch/dinner and expect them to spilt the bill tbh because you couldn't afford to pay for them and also secrely hoping that they would pay for you! You're inviting 3 close family members, not a horde!

Mandarine · 09/10/2018 17:24

This is totally different to just sending a text round to your friends, “Anyine free Thu night - see you at xxx.”

This is her occasion so she should expect to pay.

I would no way ever ask people to come out to a restaurant of MY choice for MY birthday or other event and then hit them with a bill for it.

When you ask people over to dinner, do you ask them to contribute to the shopping bill? No you do not, because you are hosting. So if you choose to host your event at a restaurant, it’s the same deal.

I have never in my life gone to someone else’s event and been actually asked to pay, or sent menus beforehand! Shock Having said that, if I was the MIL or the mum in this case I would insist as it’s a hen meal and a one-off.

Heismyopendoor · 09/10/2018 18:08

From your op it sounds like you suggested a get together as opposed to inviting people to an event. If I was invited I would be expecting to pay for myself.

Even at your hen do I bet you aren’t paying for everyone! At mine (dinner and drinks, nothing extravagant) everyone refused to let me pay for my own never mind me paying for everyone else.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/10/2018 18:11

@mandarine you must move in very different circles to me. I have never been invited to someone's birthday and not paid for myself...unless it was a party where food might be provided but I'd still buy my own drinks.
It's honestly only a concept I've seen in MN