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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect to split the bill?

141 replies

killingtime9198 · 09/10/2018 14:00

I'm getting married in a few weeks and, as my mother and MIL to be aren't invited to my hen (they wouldn't want to come even if they were as I think it will be quite heavy on the booze and not local to them!) I thought it would be nice to have a lunch with them and my SIL to be as a sort of unofficial family hen. I haven't called it that or anything, I just invited them to meet for lunch this weekend on a 'wouldn't it be nice to get together just us girls before the wedding' sort of basis.

My question is, who does the MN jury think should pay in this scenario? My initial thought was that I invited them, therefore I should pay. However, things are a lot tighter than I thought they would be in the run up to the wedding (as I'm sure is always the way....) so it would be amazing if we split the bill. Do people think that, if that were offered, it would be okay for me to accept?

The other reason I ask is to try to avoid the awkward who pays the bill dance when it comes....

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 09/10/2018 18:16

For a normal meal out it should be a split, but for a psuedo-hen it would usually be that the others would pay for the bride to be. Could go either way depending on how nice the others are!

longwayoff · 09/10/2018 18:30

Whatever you decide, let them know beforehand. Dont have an embarrassing squabble on the night.

IrishMamaMia · 09/10/2018 18:38

What a nice idea. Splitting is the done thing in the majority of my social experiences, occasionally an older relative has paid as a gift. I think it's pretty fair, otherwise it becomes a huge burden on you. It might be nice for you to buy a round of drinks before after if you end up doing that. Enjoy :)

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2018 21:31

but for a psuedo-hen it would usually be that the others would pay for the bride to be

Only if it was arranged by the others.

This was devised and organised by the OP.

MrsRachel85 · 09/10/2018 22:12

It is definitely not normal to pay for people you invite out for lunch or dinner! The only exception is weddings. Any other time, including birthdays, hens etc, you split the bill. I would never expect this in real life. Only on mumsnet...

MrsRachel85 · 09/10/2018 22:18

I’m so confused by all the people saying ‘it’s your event, you should be prepared to pay’. I’ve never come across this attitude before and I’m wondering if it’s a cultural thing. Is this standard behaviour in the US? It’s definitely not in the UK

Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 22:57

Never heard this 'you invited you pay' thing before. Bizarre!
If invited for a meal to for example for someone's birthday- I would NEVER expect them to pay for everyone. So weird.

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2018 23:01

How many times does it have to be said that this not just a birthday.

It’s a one off special occasion to mark the OP’s wedding.

Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 23:08

@TatianaLarina
I don't think it makes any difference though.
A meal for someone's 25th wedding anniversary- I'd expect to pay myself.
A hen do- I'd expect to pay myself.
A 21st birthday mean - I'd expect to pay myself.
A meal to celebrate someone's graduation- I'd expect to pay myself.

I assume she's not paying for everyone on her actual hen do so why would she pay for this? Not normal.

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 08:06

Because this isn’t an actual hen do and she’s organised it.

NewPapaGuinea · 10/10/2018 08:13

If people go out for a birthday meal, does the birthday person pay for everyone as they invited them? Of course they don’t!

MrsRachel85 · 10/10/2018 08:15

@Tatianalarina
It doesn’t matter if it’s a special occasion or not. Unless it was a wedding, I’d always expect to pay myself. Out of interest, are you in the UK? I’m wondering if customs are different where you live

NewPapaGuinea · 10/10/2018 08:19

However it would be a nice gesture and would top off what is bound to be a lovely afternoon, so would pay. Especially as it’s a complete one off.

FiveShelties · 10/10/2018 08:19

Are they contributing to the cost of the wedding? If they are I think it would be good to treat them, if not then I would expect to split the bill between everyone.

Rudgie47 · 10/10/2018 08:23

I agree, here in the UK if you get invited for a meal out its not expected that the person doing the inviting is to pay for everyone.
For everything I've gone to, the invited person generally pays for themselves.

Lauren83 · 10/10/2018 09:03

I would never expect you to pay, I would expect to split or I expect they may offer to pay considering it's a pre wedding thing

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 09:17

Unless it was a wedding

It is a wedding!

For which MIL and SIL will have to buy new outfits, a present, maybe nights in a hotel.

OP has invited them out for a meal to celebrate the occasion of her wedding, and now she thinks they should pay.

If she wanted an informal pay for yourself evening she should have mentioned that at the start.

(I’m British since you ask).

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 09:21

I agree, here in the UK if you get invited for a meal out its not expected that the person doing the inviting is to pay for everyone

Entirely depends. I’ve been invited out for loads of meals where the host has the expectation of paying.

If someone says ‘I will take you out for your birthday’ it generally means they’re paying. If you agree with a bunch of friends to celebrate someone’s birthday together - you’d generally expect to pay for yourself.

Oysterbabe · 10/10/2018 10:29

What normally happens when you eat out with these people? I don't think I've ever paid for a single thing in the company of MIL. She is absolutely insistent on paying for everything. She's wealthy so I've given up fighting this too hard.

myron · 10/10/2018 11:06

This is not just another meal with multiple friends for a birthday.

The OP is having a separate hen do. This is another special pre wedding do just for her, her mum, MIL & SIL in the leadup to her wedding. These close family members have most probably spent quite a bit of their own funds for the forthcoming wedding in the form of new outfits, maybe hotel and even more possibly, contributing to the OP's wedding costs. She hasn't answered the question earlier about this but it is all relevant.

If I was her Mum or MIL and had already contributed thousands of pounds to the OP's wedding, I'm not sure that I would be as readily predisposed to be invited to a pre wedding meal and be expected to shell out for another unexpected wedding expense.

myron · 10/10/2018 11:10

It's a bit like a family member suggesting going out for a meal at a very nice, expensive restaurant and when the bill arrives, announcing that they'll a bit short. (Obviously scarred by my own personal experiences with my own MIL who has done this more than once!)

myron · 10/10/2018 11:10

they're NOT they'll.

Ghanagirl · 10/10/2018 13:05

@TatianaLarina
Are you the SIL and a bit skint?

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 13:15

“If people go out for a birthday meal, does the birthday person pay for everyone as they invited them? Of course they don’t!”

Confused Er no - of course they do (pay that is).

You can’t possibly say to people - “Hello it’s my birthday. I will be inviting you, you and you and we will be going to this restaurant of my choice - and by the way you’re paying for yourselves”.

I have never in my entire life known this to happen.

Of course, if it’s a casual meet up for dinner or drinks with friends, you might split the bill, or “I’ll get it this time, you next time,” type scenario.

I am not overseas - I’m in London and never ever have I gone to someone else’s event and been asked to pay. It’s unheard of. It’s like asking people over for dinner and telling them to bring the food. Confused

Backstabbath · 10/10/2018 13:23

@Mandarine I have no words..

You must be a wind up mission

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