Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect to split the bill?

141 replies

killingtime9198 · 09/10/2018 14:00

I'm getting married in a few weeks and, as my mother and MIL to be aren't invited to my hen (they wouldn't want to come even if they were as I think it will be quite heavy on the booze and not local to them!) I thought it would be nice to have a lunch with them and my SIL to be as a sort of unofficial family hen. I haven't called it that or anything, I just invited them to meet for lunch this weekend on a 'wouldn't it be nice to get together just us girls before the wedding' sort of basis.

My question is, who does the MN jury think should pay in this scenario? My initial thought was that I invited them, therefore I should pay. However, things are a lot tighter than I thought they would be in the run up to the wedding (as I'm sure is always the way....) so it would be amazing if we split the bill. Do people think that, if that were offered, it would be okay for me to accept?

The other reason I ask is to try to avoid the awkward who pays the bill dance when it comes....

OP posts:
Rezie · 10/10/2018 13:23

I'm not on the "you invite, you pay" train but this phrasing could either mean that you are paying or that everyone pays their own. How do you usually do? I guess you could offer to juu the wine?

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 13:29

Back - why would I be in a wind up mission?

Surely you can’t expect people to pay for the “privilege” of celebrating your birthday with you. How presumptuous. What if they don’t even like the restaurant or whatever.

People may have to arrange babysitters and will probably feel obliged to bring a card and gift as it is. Imagine asking them to pay for the food as well! Seriously? I really don’t think that is in any way normal, in fact, it’s extremely rude.

LittleMe03 · 10/10/2018 13:55

Surely split 4 ways or each pay for your own meal and drinks IMO

OhComeOnRon · 10/10/2018 13:57

@Mandarine

On the other hand - I have the complete opposite experience. My friendship group is a group of 8 and we always go out for a meal or do something to celebrate each persons birthday. But everyone has always and will always pay for themselves and would never expect not to pay for themselves at a restaurant no matter what the occasion.

Backstabbath · 10/10/2018 14:03

@OhComeOnRon the voice of reason.

Friends or family would not like to put one person through the expense of paying for everyone.
You are happy to pay for yourselves because you enjoy each other's company.

You pay even offer to split hen/ birthday costs amongst each other

LittleMe03 · 10/10/2018 14:06

@Backstabbath @OhComeOnRon

Completely agree. If they cannot afford it or don't want to pay they then shouldn't agree to go.

I would never turn up at a restaurant to meet friends or family and assume that as the invite came from somebody else or arrangement was made by someone else that means that they should pay Confused

Original poster
killingtime9198 · 10/10/2018 14:42

This is all really interesting. A few points:

  1. I should mention I haven’t made any mention of it being a ‘hen’. I checked the WhatsApp message and I said something along the lines of ‘Hi ladies, I thought it might be nice to get together for a lunch before the wedding - how would either x date or x date be for you?’
  1. I do not expect/hope they will cover me, as a PP suggested, I was just hoping I might not have to cover the whole bill
  1. Really surprised by PP’s thoughts that ‘you invite, you pay’ is a hard and fast rule. I live in London and in my group of friends if you invite people out for a meal for your birthday you tend to say ‘thinking of dinner at x restaurant for my birthday, it’s £x a head plus drinks - who’s in?’ I’m in fact going to a birthday organised exactly like this on Saturday night!
  1. In terms of who usually pays in my family context, id say (for both my family and my family in law) parents pay 50% of the time, partner and I pay 40% of the time and we split 10% of the time
  1. In terms of contributions to the wedding, my mum bought my dress and MIL has contributed about 20% of the wedding cost. I think on reflection this is the point here - the lunch should be a thank you to them both for this, and on that basis I’m going to insist on paying.
  1. As an aside, I don’t understand why people think buying a new outfit is an inescapable cost of attending a wedding - just wear something you already own/borrow something! I know not 100% of people will be able to do this, but most will. I find it really odd when thIs cost is listed alongside getting a hotel room for a destination wedding - I.e. an obligatory cost.

Thanks for all your replies - gave me a good chance to mull things over and come to a decision on how to handle it :)

OP posts:
Original poster
killingtime9198 · 10/10/2018 14:43

Sorry that’s a bit garbled - typing on my phone!

OP posts:
Mandarine · 10/10/2018 14:47

Well I guess if you have mutual understanding within a particular group of friends then that’s fine if it works for you all.

I just think if I invited someone out for my birthday I should “provide” an occasion. The way I see it, they may wel be spending £30 on an Uber there and back, £60 on a babysitter, £40 or whatever on a gift, plus, mainly, I’m very grateful to them just for making the effort to actually come out. So I feel they are my guests and I should give them a good night out to say thanks for making the effort to come out and celebrate with me, just as if I was entertaining at home.

KC225 · 10/10/2018 14:47

Call your mum and run it by her ask her what she understood it meant.

Bluelady · 10/10/2018 14:51

If I was your mum you'd never even see the bill, it would be spirited away behind your back.

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 15:47

As an aside, I don’t understand why people think buying a new outfit is an inescapable cost of attending a wedding

I don’t think a new outfit is always expected, but mother of the groom is always going to buy a new outfit.

She doesn’t want to be seen in something she wore as a guest to someone else’s wedding.

And you can’t presume that your guests will already have a wedding outfits to hand.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/10/2018 16:05

I'd expect them to either offer to pay or split the bill. If you would struggle to pay, would a lunch at yours be reasonable?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 16:06

@manderine I'm another one who thinks your way is completely ridiculous.
I will invite people out for my birthday and will expect them to pay for themselves just as I would pay for myself at their birthday. If they can't afford or don't like the restaurant then they don't come.

We went out to celebrate my DH's new job last weekend. We invited some friends - everyone paid for themselves without batting an eyelid.

It is so bizarre to think I am responsible for paying for everyone just because I instigated the invitation. I have never, ever come across that situation in real life and I have a very wide and varied friendship network.

Bluelady · 10/10/2018 16:12

Not that wide, Bias, in my world the host pays.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 16:19

Wide enough to cover different social classes, professions, culture and nationality.
Inviting someone out for a meal, whatever the occasion, does not imply costs will be covered by the host.

I have one group of friends where we alternate paying and I have known people cover the cost of the ‘birthday girl ‘ but never has there been an expectation that the host pays ( unless it’s a party and and then I’d only expect food and maybe one drink)

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 16:30

Blaa - I have to be honest with you in that I would never dream of asking people out to celebrate my DH’s job (or anything) and then expect them to pay Confused. Why should they? What does his job have to do with them? I guess fair enough if you meet these people fairly regularly anyway and split the bill, but to specifically ask them out to celebrate YOUR particular event - just no.

I wouldn’t even expect my close family to pay in those circumstances.

In cases where people can’t afford to take large groups out for dinner, the norm is to do something at home, or hire a room with a buffet where you can specify how much per head. Or you just meet in a bar and get at least a few drinks and nibbles for guests. Or just have a smaller group.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 16:45

They don’t have to come if they don’t want to...it’s an invitation not a summons. In the example used...these were close friends , they were happy for my DH and we spend a lot of time together. We go out for meals regularly and they would have thought it weird if we had paid for everyone ...they may have even been offended.

I’ve just been invited to a friends birthday ....it’s a day out doing an activity. The invitation gave a time, date and cost with an expectation that if you want to come, you pay for the activity at the time of accepting the invitation. We will also end up eating and going out for drinks afterwards. We will all pay for ourselves but will buy the birthday boy a drink. Totally normal in my experience.

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 17:19

Blaa - but I think if you posted that invite on MN, probably most people would say that birthday person is a CFC?

Put it another way, if you were throwing a child’s party and decided to do bowling or trampolining or something, you wouldn’t email all the mums and say - “Please come to my child’s party - arrive at x time and it will be £12 per child at the door.” You would just throw the party and do a group booking for the number of children coming. So why would an adult party be any different?

I have genuinely only come across this kind of thing on MN.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 18:06

A kids party and a night out for adults are two very different things. No I wouldn't expect parents to pay for a children's party.

We've been invited to go away for a friend's 40th. I'm expecting that if we accept the invitation we'll be paying for our own flights and hotel....should I be expecting the person who's birthday it is to pay for all of us???

TatianaLarina · 10/10/2018 18:25

The invitation gave a time, date and cost with an expectation that if you want to come, you pay for the activity at the time of accepting the invitation.

Wtf. That’s so gauche.

They’ll be asking people to pay for their drinks at weddings next...

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/10/2018 18:33

Haha how the lower classes live eh?? I've always paid for drinks at weddings bar a welcome drink and wine on the table

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 18:34

Well depending on the size of the group and where they are going that could be very expensive, but surely it’s the kind of thing you either decide to do or you don’t. If it was me and I felt I absolutely had to go abroad, I would block book the seats on the flight and do a group booking at the hotel - maybe there’s a discount for that. Or I would look for a group deal and suck it up as it’s something I really wanted to do. No I would not ask people to pay for flights for my 40th Confused Some friends could afford it, others maybe not and that would make me feel awkward, as well as entitled.

For one recent birthday, I took 4 close friends to a spa and apart from the odd drink it was all on me - accommodation, food, treatments the lot, though they kindly did bring me beautiful gifts and organised birthday champagne and flowers. I was very grateful that two of them took the Friday off work and organised their DH’s to have the kids alone for the weekend, so as to be able to make it, as well as paid their travel. That is quite enough imo. People have busy lives and all sorts of pressures / expenses. On my 40th, we took about 16 for cocktails in the singing bar in the top of Harvey Nichols and then for Japanese with an individual chef. We met at our house, got a incubus there and organised taxis home for everyone. No it was not cheap, but nobody forced us to do it - they would all have been happy with anything. The way I saw it, you are only 40 once and if you can’t treat your friends in some way on this kind of occasion, what’s the point? Plus, they would and have done the same for us.

Mandarine · 10/10/2018 18:37

If we didn’t have the money I would have just got everyone over and made a massive paella or something.

Armchairanarchist · 10/10/2018 18:38

If I invite my mum or MIL out for lunch I always pay, not for my SIL though.