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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect them to come to me?

110 replies

Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 12:45

Basically that. I live 10 mins drive away from my dd family. I know they're busy with day to day things work and children etc but they hardly visit my house.. Dd has depression and health issues and doesn't want to drive with pain etc but unless I never visit them which I find hard to fit into a regular thing I wouldn't see them at all ever! Is it just me feeling sorry for myself?

OP posts:
Upanddownandroundagain · 09/10/2018 12:48

To be honest, it sounds like your DD is struggling. Visiting her is your way to help her, you can’t really insist that she comes to you if she’s going to be in pain. I do feel for you, because it would be nice to have them at yours. Think of the positives - you can leave whenever you like...

DontCallMeCharlotte · 09/10/2018 12:54

I think YABU.

Surely it makes sense for you to visit them? Presumably you don't have to wrangle small people into the car and you don't have pain? And if you can't fit visiting them into a regular thing, then how would you fit them visiting you into a regular thing?

Sorry to be harsh, but for the sake of ten minutes, I would be trying to make your DD's life a little easier.

MsOliphant · 09/10/2018 12:55

Hmmm, you’re coming across as a bit selfish.

dolphinhusband · 09/10/2018 12:58

Yabu. Your DD is in pain and you want her to come to you, in agony, cos you’re a little bit fed up of a 10 min drive?

KC225 · 09/10/2018 12:59

They have a family and she struggle with depression and health issues yet you expect her to cone to you. Wow. Do you not drive? Can you get a bus? Is there a reason why you can't go there? Just to save her trying to fit you get kids in car seats etc.

MsOliphant · 09/10/2018 13:00

Actually. Is this a reverse?

TanteRose · 09/10/2018 13:01

I think so MrsO

cheesefield · 09/10/2018 13:02

Can you not drive? Do you work full time?

TanteRose · 09/10/2018 13:02

Oops Ms Wink

DontCallMeCharlotte · 09/10/2018 13:03

Actually. Is this a reverse?

I thought that. In all the threads I've read over the years, this is the first one that struck me as a possible reverse.

Original poster
Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 13:07

Yes I drive but like I said it's never them who come to mine anymore, she used to now she's getting more stubborn and don't think it's a big effort for her to do tbh. I want to see more of my gc but theyre always ' booked' up with after school activities and what not then I have my own interests too so it's difficult to fit it in. Last time I suggested she came to mine instead she got quite angry saying the school runs and house stuff is more than enough for her on top of sat in the car in traffic that she hates! But I have to sit in the traffic too? Plus I have a life even though I'm a pensioner!

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 13:07

This is odd. I have close family members with children and I find it easier to visit them as kids have all their toys etc there. Why do you find it hard to fit in a ten minute drive? Are you made welcome when your arrive?

I agree this is a reverse

rjay123 · 09/10/2018 13:09

So instead of 1 person travelling, you’d rather more people travelled? Entitled much?

woolduvet · 09/10/2018 13:10

Invite them round for tea?
I'd probably prefer to go there though as they have their toys etc there.

MsOliphant · 09/10/2018 13:10

Don’t over-egg it OP.

NerrSnerr · 09/10/2018 13:12

This must be a reverse

Original poster
Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 13:15

So IABU then I take it from the comments. Thanks anyway I just thought she should take me into consideration too but nevermind. Il put it on Gransnet instead

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 09/10/2018 13:15

You don't work, she does. Yes, you have a life, but it's not full of the everyday grind of work, childcare, organising kids' schedules, ferrying them about to activities..etc. It's exhausting.

As a pensioner you DO have a lot more 'disposable' time than your DD, so it's fair for you to drive to hers, particularly since it's apparently for your benefit, and your DD has a chronic health condition resulting in pain.

In summary: YABVU.

onalongsabbatical · 09/10/2018 13:16

As a gran who also doesn't see enough of her grandkids, they have busy lives etc, I think you're being ridiculous and self-centred. I'm just glad my grandkids have loads of friends and things to do and I think my role is to be available to them, not to expect my daughter, who works, or the busy gcs, to be on hand and eager to see me. Isn't that how the generations work best at this stage? Especially if your daughter has illness problems, don't you want to help and support? You can still have your own life.

cheesefield · 09/10/2018 13:17

Yup, now I think this is a reverse too.

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 13:20

I think you sound quite childish - you are now huffing that we don’t agree with you so you are going on another forum in the hope some one will agree with you!

I thin you and your stubborn daughter might be quite alike😋

cheesefield · 09/10/2018 13:22

And of course it's easier for 1 person that is no longer working to pop to their house, as opposed to multiple people that work/go to school all week to all travel en mass to see 1 person.

UninspiringUserName · 09/10/2018 13:23

I can hear how hurt you feel, that to you, you're not a priority for your daughter. However, it sounds like your daughter is struggling and of course her children come first.

I'm the daughter in this scenario and as much as I adore my parents, I'm utterly exhausted by the time I've worked all week, ferried the children here, there and everywhere, stayed on top of house stuff and made sure everyone is fed, clean and where they should be. My weekends are the time I can catch up on the stuff I can't get done in the week, such as food shopping and, if I'm lucky, it's also time for me to spend with my children and grab a few minutes breathing space. I don't struggle with pain or severe depression so to add those to the mix too, I'm not surprised your daughter finds it difficult to get to you.

If you don't work, surely you do have more time at your disposal than your daughter? Could you offer to have the grandchildren as a regular thing each week or every fortnight, give your daughter a break, and also get to spend time with the gc that way?

MsOliphant · 09/10/2018 13:23

Oh yes, you definitely you’ll definitely get an biased opinion on Gransnet Hmm

LucieMorningstar · 09/10/2018 13:23

Op: AIBU?
MN: YES!
OP: No I’m not! I’m asking GN, they’ll stick up for me stamps foot

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