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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect them to come to me?

110 replies

Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 12:45

Basically that. I live 10 mins drive away from my dd family. I know they're busy with day to day things work and children etc but they hardly visit my house.. Dd has depression and health issues and doesn't want to drive with pain etc but unless I never visit them which I find hard to fit into a regular thing I wouldn't see them at all ever! Is it just me feeling sorry for myself?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2018 14:24

If you want to make seeing your GCs a regular thing, you need to plan it as one of things you're 'doing' too. Not try to fit it into the gaps in your busy schedule.

Jojoanna · 09/10/2018 14:26

My DF always visited me when my DC were young. I worked full time and it was easier all round. He preferred that

TchoupiEtDoudou · 09/10/2018 14:29

We share who travels to see MIL / her coming here. It's a 4 hour round trip that happens every 3-4 weeks.

I much prefer it when she comes to us.

The DC are happier not being in the car, then in a flat totally inadapted to young energetic children.

I can chat to MIL but also put the washing on, hang it out, tidy the flat, cook, wash up etc. She even minds them for an hour whilst we have a nap.

Last weekend my back was out (again) so they all went out and left me resting.

That is helpful.

I don't like our visits to hers so much as there is nothing to do except try to stop the DC breaking her thousands of ornaments and going crazy in a tiny space. And I lose an entire day which makes the following week harder.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 09/10/2018 14:29

I'm sorry I also didn't respond the the reverse comment as didn't realise what it meant I thought it meant reverse as in she's being unreasonable?

Nope, OP. Nobody on this thread think your DD is unreasonable. It’s a unanimous YABVU.

MinnieRabbit · 09/10/2018 14:34

My grandmother is a right miserable cow who complains that she never sees any of her grandchildren (of which there are eight, with four being completely non-contact with her.).

The four of us that tolerate her rarely visit anymore as a) she's never there when anyone is free because "I have a life too" and b) all she does is make sly comments about how no-one ever visits. So draining.

Don't end up like that OP. If it's a ten minute drive it is FAR easier for you to hop in the car and whizz round for a cup of tea every now and then.

Depending on the ages it's likely a fucking chore for your daughter to wrangle two kids and all the crap that needs to go with them, never mind juggling play dates and clubs and what-not, and that's before struggling with any mental or physical health conditions herself.

Spottyladybirds · 09/10/2018 14:40

This could be my mum! Tit for tat too ie if she's the last to text she won't text again as apparently it's my turn. I forget. It's like we owe her something and we should all be rallying around to go to hers. We do occasionally go but it's such a drag and like another post said there's nothing there for the kids do and you have to watch what they're grabbing at etc. Plus her chairs are so uncomfy!

diddl · 09/10/2018 14:42

This is all so sad, Op.

You live so close to your daughter & GC-make the most of it!

Does your daughter work?

Could you say visit her one afternoon, pick the kids up for her & all have a meal together?

Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 14:42

OP "I know she has pain but she's managed it before."

er, you do know pain varies? Sometimes it can be controlled, sometimes it can't.

you sound like you know zero about what your DD goes through. I wouldn't be surprised if she finds contact with you very stressful.

maybe just keep out of her way for now, write her a letter saying you think you might have been a bit crap and ask if she needs help with anything. If you don't want to help, that's fine, but don't moan that she doesn't visit you.

cadburyegg · 09/10/2018 14:49

Surely the obvious solution would be to offer help with the school run/after school if you want to see the grandkids more. Surely you can rearrange your hobbies so they fit in with the grandkids if you feel so strongly about seeing them? You are retired ffs, they have school and clubs, your daughter has work and children to juggle. Do you actually help her at all when you go over or do you sit around expecting to be waited on? Get a grip. At the moment it sounds like she and her kids are at the bottom of your priority list. Not sure I’d be keen on the hassle of visiting you either.

Kescilly · 09/10/2018 14:52

I think when people have children, especially young children, they become more self-centered. Their world gets smaller and they place more priority on the needs of themselves and their family. While it's frustrating for other people, it's also necessary.

It can be difficult because your own life continues as it always has, you put in the same effort, and expect the balance as it always was. But they've had this massive upheaval in their lives and can't be as accommodating anymore.

Add into this other factors like illness, and I can see why she would want you to go to her.

Try not to take it too personally. It's not that she values you less, she's just got more demands in her life now and can't be as flexible. I think it's like any other relationship. It's not always going to be exactly 50/50 or fair, sometimes one person will struggle and the other needs to put in more effort.

beeefcake · 09/10/2018 14:52

I am shocked at this, if you were my DM I wouldn't visit either.

ohshitonit · 09/10/2018 14:54

YABU, we have 3 small children and we expect our parents to visit us, it's fine if they don't really it's up to them! But we aren't getting 3 under 3 into a car and taking them to non baby proofed houses, when it's much simpler for them to come to us.

Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 14:57

actually I just re-read your OP because I'm so baffled that you can't seem to understand the basics of pain and depression.

are you one of those parents who never wanted adults - just wanted children around? Well, that adult DD is someone you brought into the world. You don't get to play with her DC and have none of the other stuff, i.e. lending a bit of support to your own offspring.

The more I read, the more I think she probably avoids you because you are just completely lacking in empathy and won't want to give her anything she needs.

ohshitonit · 09/10/2018 14:57

remember full well what it is like with children and Ive done my time doing that too but I would've made the effort through any pain to visit my mum had she still been around when I had a young family. And I know how much time family takes up but you have to make time surely?

My favourite line "I've done my time having kids" yes... So? She doesn't have to make time at all. It's not a right. Maybe she can't be arsed?

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 15:01

You are not being unreasoable to feel the way you do, I make time for my parents regardless what busy schedules I have. If that was a friendship people would’ve said the effort needs to be two sided... except parents aren’t honored as much...

However I would say it’s very hard for your daughter and she probably doesn’t mean it this way and just thinks it’s alot easier for you to come. Does she make effort in other ways towards you ?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2018 15:17

Seriously? DH and I always make our visits around our adult children's lives. Why? Because they WORK and we're RETIRED and it's easier for us to rearrange our schedules. Young people these days seem to work hellacious schedules with required overtime and late evenings, much more than we ever had to. And DH and I have plenty of free time. As a result we see them often enough that all of us are happy.

As a result our visits are relaxed and easy. We visit when they have the time to really relax and enjoy being together because the visit isn't having to be shoved into a busy schedule nor beginning and ending with a stressful drive after a busy day. Sometimes it's a whole day together at ours, other times we'll bring a nice cooked supper to theirs (so DS doesn't have to cook) and we'll only stay a couple of hours.

I think you need to rethink your attitude. You'll end up never seeing them if you don't change it. Especially since you have an ill DD. You're being extremely selfish.

FaFoutis · 09/10/2018 15:24

I think you would fit in well on gransnet. Try the 'estranged from my children' threads to see your way of thinking reflected back at you.

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 15:26

I think pp are being super harsh.. op you might be feeling insecure/vulnerable/lonely.. and want to feel like someone will reach out to you at time if vulnerability..

I hear you.. this isn’t easy for you to feel like no one will be checking in on you.

Does she put effort in other ways ?

urbansprawl · 09/10/2018 15:33

OP, I think you need to have a chat with your daughter about how you can help her. It sounds as though she's struggling.

Please also remember that your DD might have picked up on your attitude, and she might be hurt that you seem to expect so much without really giving anything. Harsh as it may be, you don't have a right to a relationship with your DD or your grandchildren. The situation might be different if you were infirm and couldn't travel, but it's not. Put some effort in.

Please don't be like my MIL. She expects other people to structure their whole lives around her, and can't help but moan about how selfish and neglectful everyone is when we can't (or don't want to) accommodate her demands. It makes us even less inclined to spend our precious free time with her.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 15:34

Huh? How is the op feeling insecure vulnerable and lonely. She's told us she's so busy with her own interests she struggles to find the time to see her grandkids.

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 16:03

Bluntness I think she is saying that because that’s what her daughter is saying to her ...

That she has other priorities and can’t fit her mum in.. so the mum is saying she equally has things to do, but “makes time” and if she were to have the same attitude no one will see anyone. I agree with OP on this. Sorry.. far too many abandoned parents and unloyal kids in this country

SoyDora · 09/10/2018 16:08

Sorry.. far too many abandoned parents and unloyal kids in this country

Unloyal, or physically and mentally ill, struggling and hoping her mum will cut her a little slack?

BlueEyedBengal · 09/10/2018 16:09

New to m n so can someone tell me what is a reverse in m n terms?

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 16:10

far too many abandoned parents and unloyal kids in this country

And far more abandoned kids. With uncaring selfish parents. Way way more.

I don't know how you can guess as why she's saying something, we can only go on what she's saying, unless she tells us why.

bakingdemon · 09/10/2018 16:14

Do you invite them to come to your house for specific things? That may be an easier way to make it more appealing - inviting the family round for Sunday lunch is nicer than just expecting that they'll come round at some unspecified or regular point.