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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect them to come to me?

110 replies

Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 12:45

Basically that. I live 10 mins drive away from my dd family. I know they're busy with day to day things work and children etc but they hardly visit my house.. Dd has depression and health issues and doesn't want to drive with pain etc but unless I never visit them which I find hard to fit into a regular thing I wouldn't see them at all ever! Is it just me feeling sorry for myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 13:50

I remember full well what it is like with children and Ive done my time doing that too but I would've made the effort through any pain to visit my mum had she still been around when I had a young family. And I know how much time family takes up but you have to make time surely?

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 09/10/2018 13:53

Yes I drive but like I said it's never them who come to mine anymore, she used to now she's getting more stubborn and don't think it's a big effort for her to do tbh. I want to see more of my gc but theyre always ' booked' up with after school activities and what not then I have my own interests too so it's difficult to fit it in. Last time I suggested she came to mine instead she got quite angry saying the school runs and house stuff is more than enough for her on top of sat in the car in traffic that she hates! But I have to sit in the traffic too? Plus I have a life even though I'm a pensioner!

If you are that bothered, why don't you clear a weekend and ask her if you can have them at yours overnight to give her a break. Collect them morning/lunchtime on Saturday and drop them back Sunday afternoon.

letsdolunch321 · 09/10/2018 13:54

Jesus ....... it is all about YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU.

Clearly you DO NOT want to compromise.... I am totally bored now !!!!!!

Urchinella · 09/10/2018 13:54

I'm surprised an older person would use that particular NN.

Studiously avoiding the 'reverse' comments too.

MarklahMarklah · 09/10/2018 13:55

I think you're confusing the issue, OP.

If you want to see your daughter and GC then at the moment, you need to travel to her because
a) she finds it difficult to travel with young children
b) she finds it difficult to cope with the traffice
c) she has depression
d) she is in pain

You can't switch depression on and off. You can't necessarily 'work though' pain if you're suffering from depression.

Yes, in an ideal world you'd visit her one week, and she'd come to you the next. However, the world isn't ideal and she cannot manage to come to you. You are making it sound as though she's being difficult but in fact, she's in a position where she just cannot do things on your terms.

If you don't want to travel to her, can you perhaps meet somewhere neutral?

Bluetrews25 · 09/10/2018 13:55

Oh OP.
My ILs could have written your post.
Please read PPs carefully, as you are at great risk of permanently damaging your relationships here.
I was not sad when ILs moved to Rose Cottage.

SoyDora · 09/10/2018 13:57

I remember full well what it is like with children and Ive done my time doing that too but I would've made the effort through any pain to visit my mum had she still been around when I had a young family. And I know how much time family takes up but you have to make time surely?

But why put her through the extra burden on her health and her time when you can go and see them? I’m honestly baffled. Most people want to make life easier and more pleasant for their children.

Pollaidh · 09/10/2018 13:58

YABVU

You also can't just pull the children out of clubs - often they're supposed to stay in them for the whole term especially if they're learning something or building up to an art project or show etc. If you want to see them that much and you are so close, why not offer to have them after school one night a week?

Your poor daughter is presumably juggling work, 2 kids, washing, cooking possibly for whole family and pain. I don't think you appreciate how exhausting that is, or how having to drive might mean you can't take certain painkillers that actually work, and fighting to get children into clothes, car etc... You are really not thinking about her side and sound very selfish.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2018 13:59

Why do you want your dd to 'go through pain' to bring the gc to your house, when you could just drive for 10mins (absolutely nothing, for one healthy person. Probably walkable in half an hour) to see them? The cost to her of bringing them to you is so much greater than the benefit to you, of not having to go to her.

You're too busy with your busy life to find a regular time to visit them but, in some hypothetical life of nostalgia in your head, you would have inconvenienced yourself endlessly to visit your mother?

This isn't about convenience, it's about status and you demanding 'respect'.

Why not try a little kindness? You might be surprised at how good it can make you feel.

Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 13:59

"I would've made the effort through any pain to visit my mum"

wow. my mother would be horrified at the thought of me battling pain to get to her, especially if at the time she was perfectly healthy and living ten minutes away. My dad has even brought freezer food round at times.

he was in better health than I was, at that moment, so he made himself useful, not demanding!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/10/2018 14:00

If she is taking strong pain killers, she may not be able to drive as well. Which means that if she drives, she will be in agony for some time before and afterwards. Not an appealing prospect for someone who already struggles and has to look after young children.
I wonder if she is deliberately reducing contact, for the sake of her own health and sanity.

SoyDora · 09/10/2018 14:00

Yes, I’m pretty sure my mum would be gutted to think I was battling pain to go and see her, when she could drive 10 mins to come and see me and make my life easier.

statetrooperstacey · 09/10/2018 14:00

Offer to pick the kids up from school and do their tea? That way you are seeing the children and giving your daughter a break? Offer to take them to one if their activities and stay and watch and take them home after? Lots of middle ground here I think surely? There probably just aren't enough hours in the week for your daughter op. Help her out a bit it would certainly strengthen your relationship your daughter. It sounds like she needs a bit of tlc from her mum. Not extra stress.

PrincessWire · 09/10/2018 14:01

I'm amazed this isn't a reverse. Maybe if you made the effort and visited your DD regularly, helped out etc then she'd also start to visit you in time. YABVU.

Pollaidh · 09/10/2018 14:02

would've made the effort through any pain

Really? You know this?

It is impossible to quantify someone else's pain! Everyone has their own capacity to deal with pain, and that is affected by many things. Even the same injury can cause different levels of pain depending on someone's genetics, drug tolerances, and mental state.

You also say she's depressed. Honestly, I am not surprised given the lack of emotional support you are giving her. You are probably making her pain worse. One of the few occasions when I really wish you could step into her shoes for a day.

Feellikeimthemaid · 09/10/2018 14:03

I'm stunned by the OPs attitude and I'm in total agreement with everyone who says she should be helping out more and doing the visiting considering the circumstances.

One question though to regular posters - as a reasonably newbie to the boards, what is a reverse? I'm getting familiar with a lot of the acronyms but occasionally come across a phrase I don't know. Thanks!

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 09/10/2018 14:06

One question though to regular posters - as a reasonably newbie to the boards, what is a reverse?

Feellikeimthemaid A reverse is a post written from what we think is OP’s point of view but is actually from the other side.

Eg. in this instance, the OP would actually be the DD, not the unsupportive, selfish mother they’re claiming to be.

Missingstreetlife · 09/10/2018 14:06

Why not collect the children (or individually) and take them to the park, or for tea/ice cream. Give their mum a break, get some quality time.
You could try to have a regular time, once a month say, so it's not too often.

Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 14:08

P.S. when I say dad brought freezer food, I mean he batch cooked good food to pop in my freezer so cooking wasn't another worry for me.

I can so imagine his face reading the OP!

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/10/2018 14:09

I wonder if she is deliberately reducing contact, for the sake of her own health and sanity.

I expect so. This level of selfishness doesn't appear from nowhere and OP sounds just like my mother. I've had counselling to learn how to deal with her and a consequence of that is that I've reduced contact with her.

anonymousbird · 09/10/2018 14:10

I assume this is a reverse as clearly, if it's as you describe YABVU!!!!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/10/2018 14:17

’I remember full well what it is like with children and Ive done my time doing that too but I would've made the effort through any pain to visit my mum had she still been around when I had a young family’

Yeah, Would have, so you never actually did what you expect your DD to do Hmm

So full of bullshit, with that selfish, unsupportive attitude I wouldn’t bother seeing you either even if you lived next door. HTH

PoliticalBiscuit · 09/10/2018 14:20

Is this about something else? Are you wishing your relationship with your daughter isn't as closed as you like? Are you missing your Mum? Flowers

On the face of it I think your daughter is being reasonable - for all the reasons given above but you sound hurt, and I wonder if its' because you're using the lack of her coming to you as proof that perhaps she's not fond of you/doesn't need you/doesn't want to see you.

I don't think that's fair. See her and look after her and her children as much as you are able and try and think realistically what it is that bothers you.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/10/2018 14:21

If this is a reverse then, real OP, can you think of any reason your DM doesn't like coming to your house? Does she find it uncomfortable, chaotic [insert other reason] so that she feels desparate for the calm and control her home turf allows, perhaps?

Or is she just not that interested in you and your dcs? Maybe she prefers the notion of dcs to the reality? Rather as she prefers the notion of inconveniencing herself to visit others, to the reality? Or maybe she's had a long and busy working, mothering life and is revelling in the freedom of a retirement she's been looking forward to for some time?

My point is, you'd have to ask her for the real reason.

Original poster
Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 14:22

I'm sorry I also didn't respond the the reverse comment as didn't realise what it meant I thought it meant reverse as in she's being unreasonable? I know she has pain but she's managed it before. I offer suggestions but they're always repelled. I'm not exactly a spring chicken anymore either. There isn't convenient time to organise me going lately as there's always something already planned and the only option she gives me I'm doing something too. Thanks for the insight though.

OP posts:
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