Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect them to come to me?

110 replies

Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 12:45

Basically that. I live 10 mins drive away from my dd family. I know they're busy with day to day things work and children etc but they hardly visit my house.. Dd has depression and health issues and doesn't want to drive with pain etc but unless I never visit them which I find hard to fit into a regular thing I wouldn't see them at all ever! Is it just me feeling sorry for myself?

OP posts:
MsOliphant · 09/10/2018 13:23

UNBIASED that should say

cheesefield · 09/10/2018 13:25

@MsOliphant People don't post on GN because they want an unbiased opinion, the post there so that everyone will cluck around them and agree with them. Grin

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 13:26

This can't be real? What sort of mother sees their child struggle with depression and health issues, a jam packed life with kids, and says well they shoild come to me as I have my own interests?

And then oh I'll ask on gransnet? 😱

EK36 · 09/10/2018 13:28

Im in a similar situation with my parents. I have to go there if I want to see them. I only see the once a month but call them twice a week. It would be so much easier if they came here but they cannot. It would be nice if you offered them a meal OP. That way she hasn't got to rush around. Could you cook them a dinner once a month for them? I'm sure they would really appreciate it. I realise you have committments like they do too. But I'm sure you can both agree on one evening a month to meet up.

Sirzy · 09/10/2018 13:28

Are you making any effort to actually try and help your daughter?

MsOliphant · 09/10/2018 13:29

I know, I was being sarcastic 😂

Loonoon · 09/10/2018 13:30

Just being depressed and busy is a valid reason not to visit IMO, but perhaps there are other reasons too OP.
How much fun are you to be around? My DD avoid visiting my dad as he never stops moaning and complaining about her neighbours/doctors/relations etc etc. They visit DHs dad more frequently because although he is older and forgetful he is cheerful and affectionate and makes it clear that their visits are a joy to him.

SoyDora · 09/10/2018 13:30

Struggling to believe this one too. So your DD has physical and mental health issues, multiple children to look after, they work, but you’re throwing your toys out of your pram because they don’t come to your house, as you’re busy too?
Have you heard of empathy?

GinUnicorn · 09/10/2018 13:31

It’s pretty exhausting juggling children and work etc. It’s only a ten minute drive for you and will help her out. Why would you not want to do this to help your daughter and see your GC? The reality is travelling with children is tough and you have less on your plate than your dd.

SoyDora · 09/10/2018 13:31

If you’re always telling them how busy you are, maybe they think you won’t be there for them to visit?

PiperPublickOccurrences · 09/10/2018 13:32

Total reverse. But in case it's not

Get off your arse and visit your daughter who seems to be struggling to cope.

Original poster
Lilacrinsebrigade · 09/10/2018 13:32

It just seems that it's me who has to do all the visiting that's all. Tbh now I've read it back it does sound bad but in my head it didn't come across like that. I used to have the eldest child occasionally but not the youngest . I offered but it was difficult with her feeding him herself all the time and now she doesn't want them to stay at mine. I just thought I'd get another point of view. Maybe I'm stubborn after all.

OP posts:
Deadbudgie · 09/10/2018 13:33

This has to be a reverse! So you’re retired with some hobbies and resent a 20 min round trip to see your DD and GC where your DD is struggling mentally and physically, doing the rush round after school taking her kids here there and everywhere (perhaps you could offer to help out here!) quite frankly she probably hadn’t got the time to run around after you too.

Notjustanyone · 09/10/2018 13:34

My mum does a 90 minute round trip to visit me every week. She's 70 with bad knees and has lots of medical conditions but she still does it because she wants to see me & her grandkids and I can't come to her in case I'm needed at home (I'm a carer for my disabled dad) so I fail to see why you can't do a ten minute trip once a week!

SilverLining10 · 09/10/2018 13:35

You've come across extremely selfish and overbearing in your post. Maybe shes come up with excuses because she doesnt want to deal with you. You really have forgotten what it's like with kids and school run etc??

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 09/10/2018 13:36

I’m really glad you aren’t my mum. You resent a 10 minute drive, your daughter is suffering from depression and pain and you have a sly dig about your daughter breast feeding. You are not a good mother.

letsdolunch321 · 09/10/2018 13:39

I work full time from 8am - 5pm, I make a point of visiting my dd & gd twice a week which is a 40min drive each way

I do this as I want to see my dd/dg along with making sure both the girls are ok and nothing is stressing my dd out.

If you wanted to visit/see your grand kids you would make the effort. And they say youngsters are selfish !!!

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 09/10/2018 13:39

YABVU and I think you’re the stubborn one here.

Your daughter is in pain, works and has a lot on with a young family to look after. You may “have a life” but you have disposable time that she does not.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 13:41

I don't think the word is stubborn.

Unsupportive, selfish, self absorbed, maybe, but not stubborn. She's ill. She has two kids. And you object to having to drive ten mins to seeing her.

Mice.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 13:41

Nice!

LittleMissMarker · 09/10/2018 13:44

Dd has depression and health issues and doesn't want to drive with pain etc but unless I never visit them which I find hard to fit into a regular thing I wouldn't see them at all ever! Is it just me feeling sorry for myself?

Yes it is. You've given no real reason why it's harder for you to visit their house than for them to visit you.

I want to see more of my gc but they're always ' booked' up with after school activities

So you don't want to see more of your DD anyway, just the grandchildren. And you don't want to help DD either. You just want to spend more time with your grandchildren at your convenience.

don't think it's a big effort for her to do tbh

She has health problems, pain, depression, and children. Whereas you only have a "life". So it's much more effort for her than it is for you.

Thatstheendofmytether · 09/10/2018 13:44

What bluntness said.

Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 13:45

OP are you in better health than she is? I have a couple of chronic conditions and there are certainly times when I've been in poor health and parents have been in better health at retirement age.

if so, I think you should be visiting her, not expecting her to add to ill health by putting something else on her to do list.

Babymamamama · 09/10/2018 13:47

Why don't you see what you can do to help your dd. Seems she's having a hard time.

MagicalTwinky · 09/10/2018 13:50

You sound like my mother...she's forever making digs about not seeing us, but expects us to drop everything to go to her which simply isn't always possible Hmm