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Original poster

Feel so guilty - was I really unreasonable?

128 replies

BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:16

So background is I do all the cooking, food shopping and meal planning (as well as laundry and dishwasher etc) for me and DP although we both work. I realise this is something we need to discuss.

Anyway so last night I start cooking at 8. He normally gets home at 9.30. He gets home at 10.30.
I ask him if he ended up having to work late and he said "no X stopped by as i was closing up".

So this pissed me off and i started giving him some attitude. I was like "right".

Dished up the food, left his bowl on the counter, took mine to tue couch and put on the TV and just started eating. Basically being really passive aggressive. He came over and ate, it was awkward silence for 5 minutes and then i was like
"Just find it really disrespectful that you cant find 2 minutes to just text to say you're going to be late. This isnt a fucking restaurant".
He looked hurt and said "I just didnt think coming home 45 min later would be a big deal"
I was like "you realise women arent just here to casually make meals appear before you right? That its actually time consuming and its a privilege not a right".

He said he got it but i was blowing things out of proportion a little.

Then we got chatting more and he said the past month hes been really struggling with memories of his dad (he died 2 years ago).

We went to bed and this morning he was a little cooler than normal with me.

I just feel like a dick. On some level i think i had a point but did i overreact? I also didnt think id be the sort of woman to get pissy with her partner for coming home late and i hate that. I just feel confused about it.

OP posts:
WhiteCoyote · 09/10/2018 08:21

Nope you didn’t overreact and you need to stop doing all the housework. You’re making a rod for your own back.

Also sounds like he deliberately used his dad to make you feel guilty.

greendale17 · 09/10/2018 08:23

You sound very childish. You gave him attitude, very passive aggressive etc

onanothertrain · 09/10/2018 08:26

I think you did overreact and passive aggressive behaviour is very childish.
However you shouldn't have to do all the cooking, housework etc

MeredithGrey1 · 09/10/2018 08:27

If he knew you were making dinner (which it sounds like he did as you say you always make it) then no, you didn’t overreact. It’s not about keeping tabs, nagging, or insisting he lets you know everything he does, it’s about him being considerate enough to let you know he’ll be late for dinner that you’ve made.

I’d have eaten without him and left his portion for him to sort - not as a punishment, I just wouldn’t have inconvenienced myself over it.

If he always gets home much later than you, it probably makes sense for you to cook on work nights, but he should definitely then be the one tidying up/loading dishwasher etc. And the other chores (laundry, hoovering etc) need to be split as well.

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 08:28

You weren’t being unreasonable to be pissed off, but passive aggressiveness is just childish and petty.

If you’re unhappy doing it all (I would be too!), say so, bluntly and lay out that you expect it to be 50/50 from now on.

RollerJed · 09/10/2018 08:32

I can't fucking stand this 'you acted childish ' or 'dignity in silence' bullshit some posters spout Angry

OP you did NOT act childish, you acted like someone, rightly so, pissed off as your dp had been very inconsiderate especially at that time of night, 45 minutes is a lot.

Be kind to him about his df but don't let him pull that reason every time he acts like an arsehole.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 09/10/2018 08:32

This one incident is overblown but the wider issue needs to be looked at. 9.30 is very late to get home - I could never wait till then to eat, he would be needing to fix himself something then or have leftovers. At a calmer time discuss the balance in your work loads. But why will he want to change now, he’s had it good for some time I presume?

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:33

I know it was childish off me.

Its just that i saw my mum doing everything for my dad growing up so im always torn between these conflicting sides of me:
Wanting everything to be nice and doing things to make his life easier, and
Feeling ita not fair.

So in these moments of tension im always kind of battling with myself, trying to decide between raising it as an issue or leaving it, and thats why it builds up inside me and comes out as passive aggressove. I know i need to work on this. Its just i feel this frustration like "why on top of doing this stuff do i then need to also instigate discussions about whats correct behaviour/division of tasks" etc. You know?!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/10/2018 08:33

Stop doing everything
You're creating your own problems

MrTrebus · 09/10/2018 08:34

You usually have dinner at 9.30pm?? Completely missing the point of the thread I know!

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:36

@RollerJed
Yeah as I say just above its like wow, so now on top of being a chef I also have to act as a negotiator. Like it still requires active behaviour from me you know what i mean? I also have to open discussions, raise issues etc. Thats mentally tiring and its just another task. While he takes a passive role again, having the discussion brought to his attention and simply responding to points.

OP posts:
AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 08:36

I think you know that you didn’t respond in the best way, but you definitely have a point overall. He is being disrespectful and taking you for granted. I think you need to have that conversation about fair division of labour in the household.

oh4forkssake · 09/10/2018 08:36

YANBU. And you weren't being passive aggressive. You were being pissed off.

DH did something recently that pissed me off (clearly disastrous as i can't remember what it was) and said to DD1 "careful, Mummy's in a bad mood." I said, "I'm not, I'm just cross with you!" and then we laughed about it. And yes, he did get a word about saying I was in a bad mood to DD1 later

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:38

@MrTrebus
Yeah that also probably plays into my frustration, we have to eat late as it is because of his work, so its not just 45 minutes its by this stage im eating really fucking late.
And in my head last night i was like...ive been watching over this food since 8 now, i just want to eat, clear up and get on with my night.
The somple solution is just to eat without him which i will do from now on. Just feels a bit sad.

OP posts:
dellacucina · 09/10/2018 08:38

I personally think it is quite rude and selfish to keep someone waiting like that. It's not hard to send a quick text.(so I think your irritation was justified)

Can't comment on the passive aggressive behaviour - I would probably do the same but it's probably not ideal.

BIWI · 09/10/2018 08:40

Wanting everything to be nice and doing things to make his life easier

And what does he do for you to make your life easier? Relationships are supposed to be a two-way street.

We're in the 21st century now and there is absolutely no need for you to act as his handmaiden.

Stop doing everything. But also, drop the passive aggressive bit, and talk to him, like a grown up about how things have developed in your relationship and how unhappy you are about it.

You need to re-sort things so it's on a much more equal footing, otherwise he will continue to treat you like his housewife.

SuchAToDo · 09/10/2018 08:40

No you didn't op, you boh work so why can't he pull his wright and do some of the housework..

And if he normal gets home at a certain time (and you cook so his food is ready for when he arrives home) of course you are not being unreasonable to expect a text saying hes going to be late home...

He has it easy, he has you cooking, cleaning and doing all the housework ...you need to have a talk with him

Biancadelriosback · 09/10/2018 08:43

Being passive aggressive sort of works against you I find. You'd be much better off dealing with the issue there and then.
He walks in late, ask him where he's been. Once he tells you, ask why he didn't text you. He apologises and you tell him that in future you won't wait for him. Don't be pissed off, but follow through on your promise. At ours, if someone isn't home by 8 they do their own tea.

Also, what does he contribute to your home?

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:46

@Biancadelriosback
He hoovers on a Saturday and does stuff like removes hair from shower plug. Oh and he takes the bins out every day (on his way to car).
I also bring in 80% of the household income which is absolutely not an issue on itself but at times like this im like do i have to literally cover ALL bases here? Like i have to have the traditional masculine breadwinner role AND the traditional female role???

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 09/10/2018 08:46

Why the hell do you do everything?! That needs to stop. You weren't unreasonable but you need a re-set. Make him do half and also stop the passive aggressive martyr thing. Much healthier to be a partnership sharing stuff and respecting the other. Sounds like you are channelling your mother into being a maid serving the man ewww and then reasonably this pisses you off.

Using his dad to get out of the repercussions for his thoughtless behaviour was a low thing to do.

I work at home so always do meals DH without fail whatsapps me his eta, hes late due to work not socialising. I often plate up his and leave in microwave as bored of cooking and want kitchen cleaned up

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/10/2018 08:48

Personally I would have eaten when the food was ready and left his for him to sort out when he got in. He should have texted you to say he was going to be late.

Time to sit down with him and talk about why you're doing more than your fair share of the work and what he's going to do about it.

Weenurse · 09/10/2018 08:50

I would call a house meeting and discuss things.
I would not accuse him of any thing, just point out that you are two adults living together.
I would then calmly go through a chore chart and allocate jobs.
We have one on our kitchen door and it helps DH to know what are his responsibilities each day.
This has reduced arguments and resentment as each of us know what we are responsible for.
When he does not do something to my standards, I point out he needs more practice and to do it again.

gamerchick · 09/10/2018 08:50

Time for a chat I think OP and if he uses his dad again to shut you up tell him he's already used that this month and you're having this discussion and if he still wants to afterwards you can talk about it then.

Tell him what he thinks he should take on and then put him right.

Crunchymum · 09/10/2018 08:51

Cook dinner at a time thay suits you and then leave his for him.

Dinner sounds like the least of you problems though. He does fuck all and earns fuck all comparatively

How are you going to address this?

ShizeItsWeegie · 09/10/2018 08:51

The PA act here is him mentioning his father. Pure manipulation.

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