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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so guilty - was I really unreasonable?

128 replies

BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:16

So background is I do all the cooking, food shopping and meal planning (as well as laundry and dishwasher etc) for me and DP although we both work. I realise this is something we need to discuss.

Anyway so last night I start cooking at 8. He normally gets home at 9.30. He gets home at 10.30.
I ask him if he ended up having to work late and he said "no X stopped by as i was closing up".

So this pissed me off and i started giving him some attitude. I was like "right".

Dished up the food, left his bowl on the counter, took mine to tue couch and put on the TV and just started eating. Basically being really passive aggressive. He came over and ate, it was awkward silence for 5 minutes and then i was like
"Just find it really disrespectful that you cant find 2 minutes to just text to say you're going to be late. This isnt a fucking restaurant".
He looked hurt and said "I just didnt think coming home 45 min later would be a big deal"
I was like "you realise women arent just here to casually make meals appear before you right? That its actually time consuming and its a privilege not a right".

He said he got it but i was blowing things out of proportion a little.

Then we got chatting more and he said the past month hes been really struggling with memories of his dad (he died 2 years ago).

We went to bed and this morning he was a little cooler than normal with me.

I just feel like a dick. On some level i think i had a point but did i overreact? I also didnt think id be the sort of woman to get pissy with her partner for coming home late and i hate that. I just feel confused about it.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 09/10/2018 19:43

sorry i just spotted hes o9ut most night coz of sport

sod that he can come home early or eat on his own

Stefoscope · 10/10/2018 00:05

I would just sort your own meals from now on, although I do get it's nicer to eat together. Maybe he could treat you to a homecooked meal/take out/meal out once a week since you're doing a lot for him already? I would guess he realises he's been dick and you probably should have skipped being PA with him. But on balance, having a hot meal ready for you daily and someone who cares to talk to is pretty decent when you're grieving, you don't sound like the bad guy in this scenario at all.

starzig · 10/10/2018 00:30

We never text each other to say when we will be home (late or not). It would feel naggy and controlling to me.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/10/2018 03:25

Only cook enough for you. Eat it when you fancy.

Butterymuffin · 10/10/2018 03:52

You're being taken for a mug here. He could come home earlier but chooses not to most nights. Stop cooking for both of you. He doesn't appreciate it, he just sees it as your role to do all the drudge work.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 10/10/2018 04:13

He needs to be cooking and doing chores daily

BigChocFrenzy · 10/10/2018 05:01

What do you get out of this relationship ?

If you really want to stay with him longterm, then sit him down and work out an agreement to split chores,
so you have equal amounts of free time

re the meal:
might be better to let him organise his own food on his sports nights, i.e. don't cook a portion for him.

PanchoBarnes · 10/10/2018 05:19

@starzig
Seems like you're two peas in a pod, so that works for your relationship.
Many, if not most aren't like that.

Having consideration for others, isn't naggy or controlling.

bubbles108 · 10/10/2018 05:36

I know it was childish off me.

You weren't childish. You were angry and rightly so

And bringing his deceased parent into the discussion is pure PA.

🤮

OliviaBenson · 10/10/2018 06:09

Most people are agreeing with you, yet you focus on the one person that has said it's controlling? I think it's easier to try blame yourself rather than face up to the fact your partner isn't treating you well.

So he does his sport every night? When do you get to spend time together? Why can't he do chores before work?

Rhiannon13 · 10/10/2018 06:43

If my partner arrived home at 10.30 without letting me know he was going to be late, I'd assume he's already eaten or he was going to sort out his own food.

Except he wouldn't because we respect each other and wouldn't behave like either of you did in this situation.

And stop doing everything yourself: it just breeds resentment as your post has proved. A little bit of self-respect goes a long way!

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 10/10/2018 06:49

You weren’t childish - you were annoyed! It’s ok to be annoyed, especially when your partner is treating you like a mug.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/10/2018 07:04

He was rude to stay out late and not tell you and manipulative to bring up his dad.

You need to address the massive inequality in your household. I’d draw up a list of tasks and how long they take each week. Allow him to contribute “man jobs” if he does any. Make sure you include things like meal planning, making the shopping list, stock take in the kitchen, organising birthday cards, sorting out bills/paper work. Then work through the list together allocating jobs so that you have an equal amount of work to do. Given that he’s only back late twice a week I’d have that as a slow cooker meal that he could eat whenever.

BIWI · 10/10/2018 07:17

@BrightLightsAndSound

You aren't being controlling. In fact you're being the very opposite of that - veering towards a doormat!

Stop letting him behave like this and grow yourself a spine, woman. You are worth so much more than this, you don't have to be subservient to him.

TheRealHousewife · 10/10/2018 07:21

Yes uwbu acting in a passive aggressive manner. Emotionally intelligent people set their boundaries without drama. You’re creating your own upset.

Yes he could have let you know but didn’t. You could have texted/phoned him to see where he was (for all you know he might have had an accident). You could have eaten earlier and let him see to himself when he got home. After all he he is an adult and so are you.

averythinline · 10/10/2018 07:23

what did you/hem do before you lived together.....

he is an adult- you are not his housekeeper....he needs to pull his weight.. both practically and financially

you do sound like you will end up like your mum -it'll be hard to overcome that training but you've spotted it so it stops now.....

theres an old saying 'if you keep doing what you've always done you will get what you always get'

He isn't going to change - why should he has built in sex/huosekeeper...
You have lots going for you : you have a good job. you can look after yourself - why is he good enough for you

he starts late - he could do the prep or put something in a slow cooker...whatever- this is 2018 FFS no excuse

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 10/10/2018 07:27

YANBU. He needs to pull his weight and treat you with more respect.

EvaPerron · 10/10/2018 07:29

Oh op don't you love all these Mumsnet tees who can calmly set boundaries without getting upset or huffy?? Grin personally I'd have sulked on the sofa too.... people are being quite harsh, you were upset and huffy that's fairly normal.

Going forward though, it does sound like he's got into the habit of seeing you as his little woman sitting at home sorting everything out. Nip that in the bud. Make a jobs rota and stick to your side of it and how about going out for some evenings too.... basically don't sit around waiting for him to come home.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 10/10/2018 07:32

I used my mother's death to get out of washing the dishes on the actual day she died; even then my tongue was firmly in my cheek. He's being a dick in order to get you back in line, making that sort of comment.

You need to start leaving his food to be heated up. He's choosing to come home late; if he wants to prioritise time with you over the hobby then he can decide to do that instead. Bet you a tenner he won't though.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 10/10/2018 07:33

Should have said... my DH does the same with me sometimes and I have been trying to train myself to not care. This does unfortunately merge into not caring about him, rather than just not caring about the situation .... it's hard Flowers

Veganfortheanimals · 10/10/2018 07:50

basically he's a kept man...how nice and cushyfor him..you see to his every need ,andearn 80% of the money....he's clearly landed on his feet lucky chap.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 10/10/2018 08:37

So you do everything and he swans in and out. The one time you are pissed off at him he guilts you with his thinking on his dead father. Sorry i don't buy that. Maybe he had had thoughts but He didn't like that you were annoyed with him and decided to make you feel bad 'how could you do that when actually i am already so sad and upset now'.

Manipulative as fuck.

His dads death playing on his mind stops him thinking of courtesy towards you and of sharing the load as a team? No but it certainly shuts you up when you get annoyed doesnt it?

I used to see this loads OP. If it's not one excuse to guilt you it's another. You were passive aggressive but weren't unreasonable being pissed off. Time to set out new rules of dividing work and being courteous to each other.

ferntwist · 10/10/2018 20:54

Hey OP, are you okay? You’ve gone quiet on us. Hugs

Vivino · 10/10/2018 22:45

In your position - with a man who refuses to recognise the effort you're putting in - I'd stop cooking for him. It's not your job and he clearly doesn't appreciate it. He can resume taking care of himself, and maybe take care of you for a change. It sounds like you put a lot more into this relationship than you get out. (I really hope you're not helping this guy financially)

I think you know how shitty and sexist this dynamic is, which is why you were able to say that to him, but you've also got a hefty dose of that cultural "women take care of men" guilt to contend with. He's not incapable, he's just acting like it because you've stepped up and he's lazy.

That's not to blame you at all, but now you know you're dealing with a guy who'll take advantage, you can't give him that opportunity any more. His own conscience won't push him to contribute equally in the house so unless you want to drown in resentment there has to be a big change in the way your house runs - I think dropping personal chef/maid service is the circuit-breaker you need.

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 11/10/2018 05:48

@ferntwist
Hey! Thanks for asking, I'm doing well and have been really pleasantly surprised by all the really thoughtful, detailed replies on here. It makes me think that this must be something a lot of women can relate to, whether in their own relationship or from observing others.
I'm taking on board everything that's been said and I feel really supported by MN here which is great.

I'm actually going to my mums for 10 days at the weekend, so I'm going to use the opportunity to reset the system when I cone back. For a start there's only two of us so I think laundry can wait til the weekend when we can do 2 or 3 loads together. For the dishwasher, I'll be asking him to start doing that more often (and will point out in a non PA manner the first time that I dont want to have to keep "asking"). As for the cooking, the big one: I'll continue doing it since I'm home much earlier but i won't wait to eat, and will also suggest that maybe he'd like to cook on weekends.

As an aside, i was surprised by how many people mentioned slow cookers, thats got me interested and googling!

OP posts: