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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so guilty - was I really unreasonable?

128 replies

BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:16

So background is I do all the cooking, food shopping and meal planning (as well as laundry and dishwasher etc) for me and DP although we both work. I realise this is something we need to discuss.

Anyway so last night I start cooking at 8. He normally gets home at 9.30. He gets home at 10.30.
I ask him if he ended up having to work late and he said "no X stopped by as i was closing up".

So this pissed me off and i started giving him some attitude. I was like "right".

Dished up the food, left his bowl on the counter, took mine to tue couch and put on the TV and just started eating. Basically being really passive aggressive. He came over and ate, it was awkward silence for 5 minutes and then i was like
"Just find it really disrespectful that you cant find 2 minutes to just text to say you're going to be late. This isnt a fucking restaurant".
He looked hurt and said "I just didnt think coming home 45 min later would be a big deal"
I was like "you realise women arent just here to casually make meals appear before you right? That its actually time consuming and its a privilege not a right".

He said he got it but i was blowing things out of proportion a little.

Then we got chatting more and he said the past month hes been really struggling with memories of his dad (he died 2 years ago).

We went to bed and this morning he was a little cooler than normal with me.

I just feel like a dick. On some level i think i had a point but did i overreact? I also didnt think id be the sort of woman to get pissy with her partner for coming home late and i hate that. I just feel confused about it.

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 09/10/2018 08:55

You were not unreasonable he was inconsiderate and then pulling his dead dad out the hat as a trump card is a massively dick move.

You need to have a fairer division of labour in the house.

The amount of money brought in is irrelevant if you both work similar hours.

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/10/2018 08:56

The memories of his dad sound very conveniently timed to me, and now he is cool with you? Tell him your crystal ball is on the blink and you can't fucking know how he is feeling the same way you can't know he'll be late - unless he actually tells you!! So tell him take his shitty cool attitude elsewhere and stop turning things around to be your fault

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:57

Just feeling a bit shitty right now and guilty too.

Actually it would have been less stress and effort in all senses if we'd just made sandwiches or whatever.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 09/10/2018 08:58

You did NOT overreact. Him bringing up his dad is a way of deflecting from the conversation!

You need to STOP doing everything and revolving around him. Eating separately is fine, perfectly normal. If you want you can sit with him while he eats and have a glass of wine or whatever.
He clearly doesn't understand or appreciate what you do or he just assumes and expects it to happen. Not ok.

NotANotMan · 09/10/2018 08:59

You're feeling guilty and shitty because you're conditioned to take care of a man's feelings above your own. Stop!

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:59

@NotANotMan
Thank you.

OP posts:
Mooster62 · 09/10/2018 09:01

Like you, I also do 100% of the cooking, most of the cleaning and washing whilst working and walk the dog every late afternoon. I start at 7 am, walk the dog before I go to work and finish at 3.30 pm. I always have supper ready for 7.30 pm. I do not wait for my DH and DD to appear but eat when I am ready, if they are there, great! If not, I leave their food in the oven. I used to get very annoyed if everyone was late and didn't let me know but I realised that the only one who was getting affected by this was me so now I feel less angry and more in control.

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 09:01

The worst part is I saw my mum doing this. The cycle of wanting to do everything and then becoming really resentful she was doing everything.

So how do I stop it? I finish so much earlier it makes sense for me to cook. I think the solution is just to eat when i feel like it and not wait.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/10/2018 09:01

You doing everything is wrong, as you know.

But for this issue alone, I think you created your own upset. If I have have cooked for dh and he wasn't back when it was ready, I would have just eaten and enjoyed mine. He would warm his up when he got home. No need to upset yourself about it.

laurG · 09/10/2018 09:02

Sorry but I don’t see why you were so upset over 45 mins. Yes he could have texted but I don’t think the punishment fits the crime. If my do is late and I make dinner I just leave it out. Not my problem if he eats At midnight. Unless it’s a special meal ? But we all do these things sometimes. I know I over react and feel bad about it so don’t beat yourself up. And as others say passive aggression doesn’t work. Just say why you are annoyed and stop at that.

Feefeetrixabelle · 09/10/2018 09:02

He’s like howie from Big Bang theory. Anytime he wants to manipulate he mentions his absent father or dead mum. It’s classic deflection behaviour.

Stop cooking his dinner. Eat yours at a time that suits you. Then it doesn’t matter when he gets home.

And definitely look at a equal distribution of household labour.

CaptSkippy · 09/10/2018 09:02

Don't sweat it. He was being inconsiderate and it sounds like he takes you for granted a lot.

My advise would be to tell him that you are not going to live according to his schedule anymore. You have dinner when you want to have dinner. He can sort himself out and wash up after himself. He is a grown man for crying out loud.

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 09:03

@Mooster62
I hear you but isnt it sad that we're the only ones affected?

Also for some reason eating first and then DP eating what I've made later just makes it really feel like you've made a meal for someone to conveniently "order" when they're ready. Urgh i know thats irrational.

OP posts:
SandraTheBee · 09/10/2018 09:04

Don't feel guilty. You are not the mother of a small child. He is supposed to be your equal in this relationship.
You have a right to be angry with him. For a start stop doing the lion's share of the housework. He pulls hair out of the plug hole? That's him helping is it? Bollocks to that.

SandraTheBee · 09/10/2018 09:07

It's not irrational. You are angry because you are working and doing all the work at home too. He is being 'kept' by you financially and domestically.
It won't stop unless you stop it.

corythatwas · 09/10/2018 09:10

There's another way to look at that OP: if you end up making a meal in advance for him to eat whenever it suits him to come home, then maybe he could spend some time at the weekend or whenever to make a few meals for you to eat when it suits you.

Gottagetmoving · 09/10/2018 09:10

If you attack then people either get defensive or attack back.
There's no need to get aggressive when you could let him know how you feel and sort it out where no one feels aggrieved.
YANBU to feel angry. He could have text you at least!
Remember people don't know you are building up resentments if you don't tell them and then explode when something like this happens.

Branleuse · 09/10/2018 09:13

If he neither tells you that hes got something on his mind, or tells you when hes going to be late home, then youre not a fucking mind reader. Hes not treating you as a friend or confidante, hes just treating you as someone who serves him. Hes just managed to make YOU feel worse for making him feel bad because you already felt bad. You ARE allowed to have feelings over this. It might not be the biggest deal in the world, but it sounds like you dont give yourself enough importance

ThanosSavedMe · 09/10/2018 09:15

Stop feeling guilty. I agree the talking about his dad was manipulative of him.

Do you have a cleaner? If the budget allows it that’s the first thing I’d sort out. Also bulk cooking at the weekend so something can be reheated quickly in the week - he can also take his turn at this.

The laundry, does he at least put his stuff in the basket or are you going around picking up after him? If the latter stop that immediately.

I don’t think what you did was pa or an over reaction. He didn’t think that not calling and being late would be an issue, now he knows it is, it will be interesting to see his future behaviour and I think that’s what you need to look out for.

Di11y · 09/10/2018 09:18

Well no reason why he can't clear up. What about he batch cooks on a day off.

adaline · 09/10/2018 09:21

YANBU to be pissed off he didn't text. It's just basic manners.

But being passive aggressive doesn't solve anything in my experience. If someone speaks to me with an attitude, it doesn't make me want to apologise, it just pisses me off and probably prolongs the situation.

But I think you need to stop doing everything - you're creating a lot of problems for yourself. I would bet that he doesn't even think about the fact that you're planning dinner for him, or that you go out and plan meals when you food shop, because you just do it and it's something that always happens, if that makes sense.

I get home from work three hours later than DH. We just eat separately, it's no big deal. He works in a physical job and he's starving when he gets in - no way would I expect him to wait for me, nor would I expect a meal on the table when I got home when both of us have been at work all day. He cooks for himself, I cook my own when I get in.

If we're both off, we just both eat whenever we're hungry. We don't have children so there's no need to sit down for family meals just yet. We have breakfast together everyday though, which is nice, but it only happens because we have a dog so we're both up early anyway!

Sausagerollers · 09/10/2018 09:32

It makes sense for you to do the cooking in the week if you're home earlier, I get that.

But cook for the two of you, eat & clear up etc & if he's late & hasn't let you know, then put his portion in the freezer for another night.

He can sort his own dinner out when he comes home & you get a night off from cooking one day as you can just come home & re-heat the frozen meal.

Explain this is what will happen in the future as you are not a restaurant, he's a grown man & if he's a true partner then he will do his share of the housework etc & communicate effectively with you. If he's not a true partner then he certainly doesn't deserve to have you cooking & cleaning up after him.

nellieellie · 09/10/2018 09:34

I don’t think you were being passive aggressive. You do all the housework and cooking, work full time, and he thinks he can just waltz in whenever he wants? You told him why you were cross, and understandably, you WERE cross with him. I don’t think you were childish either. But I can think of someone that is. Who seems to think you are his mum, cooking his food, cleaning the house. And if you get annoyed at his lazy, selfish behaviour, pulls out his dead dad to try to get sympathy. Now he’s giving you the cold shoulder to try to make you feel guilty. Even though it’s HIM that needs to apologise. Classic. Pathetic.

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 09:35

I just hate how I feel I've somehow slipped into this stereotype of the whining, nagging woman complaining about her man being home late for dinner and its like - how the fuck did that happen?!

OP posts:
SandraTheBee · 09/10/2018 09:38

Doesn't really matter how it happened. It happens to lots of women because that is still how society conditions us from a very young age. Look at all the women's magazines, full of crap about cooking nice meals and decorating the house, how to be a super woman and do it all.
Men's magazines never have that shit in it.
What matters is that you know that it has happened. Now you can do something about it.