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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so guilty - was I really unreasonable?

128 replies

BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 08:16

So background is I do all the cooking, food shopping and meal planning (as well as laundry and dishwasher etc) for me and DP although we both work. I realise this is something we need to discuss.

Anyway so last night I start cooking at 8. He normally gets home at 9.30. He gets home at 10.30.
I ask him if he ended up having to work late and he said "no X stopped by as i was closing up".

So this pissed me off and i started giving him some attitude. I was like "right".

Dished up the food, left his bowl on the counter, took mine to tue couch and put on the TV and just started eating. Basically being really passive aggressive. He came over and ate, it was awkward silence for 5 minutes and then i was like
"Just find it really disrespectful that you cant find 2 minutes to just text to say you're going to be late. This isnt a fucking restaurant".
He looked hurt and said "I just didnt think coming home 45 min later would be a big deal"
I was like "you realise women arent just here to casually make meals appear before you right? That its actually time consuming and its a privilege not a right".

He said he got it but i was blowing things out of proportion a little.

Then we got chatting more and he said the past month hes been really struggling with memories of his dad (he died 2 years ago).

We went to bed and this morning he was a little cooler than normal with me.

I just feel like a dick. On some level i think i had a point but did i overreact? I also didnt think id be the sort of woman to get pissy with her partner for coming home late and i hate that. I just feel confused about it.

OP posts:
Akanamali · 09/10/2018 09:42

Eat when you're ready and tell him he needs to pull his weight. Unless you enjoy being a martyr of course.

NonaGrey · 09/10/2018 09:45

Why are you feeling guilty?

He was rude and inconsiderate and when you called him in it he manipulated you by mentioning his grief.

Add that you doesn’t pull his weight either domestically or financially and I’d be asking myself some hard questions about the future.

If you have children together you’ll be earning all the money, doing all the housework and doing all the childcare.

That sounds fun. Hmm

MinaPaws · 09/10/2018 09:53

Have another chat about it, OP, when you're not feeling angry.
Discuss fair division of household jobs.

Ask him to mention the invisible jobs he does that you may take for granted (filling car with petrol, putting out the bins, tidying the garage, putting up furniture, washing & valeting car, checking oil, air, filling it with petrol, mowing lawn, weeding, digging, pruning, raking etc.

There's nothing wrong with traditional roles if both parties are pulling their weight. But you both need to work out how many hours you spend keeping house and make sure they're equally divided. If they're not, just ask him to agree to take on some specific roles and agree when he'll do them.

Gersemi · 09/10/2018 09:56

Why does he work so late? Does he have other time off to compensate? if so, why can't he do some of the housework then?

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 09:58

If he finishes so late, does he start late? So some days des he have free time earlier in the day?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/10/2018 09:58

If you cooking suits you then that's ok although he should be doing his share of the housework etc. Stop feeling bad, he's in the wrong for being an hour late and not texting you.

Him feeling down about his dad is understandable but that's a separate issue.

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 10:00

He starts at 10, leaves the house at 9.30. Most days he finishes at 5.30 but then goes to do his sport, twice a week he finishes at 9.30 (he runs a small business).

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/10/2018 10:02

I do dinner and aim for 6.00 pm, as I get hungry at 6.00 pm. If dp isn't home by then, it's in the microwave and he heats it up when he gets in.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 10:03

Just stop doing most of what you do in your ‘free’ time.

You stop work and you do housework, cooking, ‘looking after’.

He stops work and he does his hobby...

howabout · 09/10/2018 10:09

YABU

When my DH worked late hours he just sorted himself out when he came in. Your current set up isn't working. You feel like you are waiting on your DP both literally and figuratively. Your DP probably resents having to rush home at your beck and call to eat a dinner he doesn't sound like he is much interested in. Your behaviour could be interpreted as very controlling and this perception is increased given that you are the main breadwinner.

When I first started working a colleague had a SAHP who loved cooking. Unfortunately dinner was at 7 and he was always starving by 5.30 and so went for a McD's on the way home before trying his best to plough through cordon bleu he did not appreciate.

I also have a friend who used to be fanatical about making her DP healthy lunches. He used to go to Greggs every day either as well or instead depending on how hungry he was (no idea what he does now Greggs have gone all healthy Sad).

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 10:12

@howabout
So your colleage was so infantile he was unable to either snack earlier in the day or tell his partner to stop making him dinner - and you think the partner was a fool?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 10:13

@howabout
And your friend's DP was incapable of saying "hey ill sort my own lunch". He preferred to let your friend carry on making them. But shes the idiot?

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 09/10/2018 10:14

So he earns 20% of what you do, goes to the gym after work several days a week yet you still do most of the housework?

adaline · 09/10/2018 10:19

So your colleage was so infantile he was unable to either snack earlier in the day or tell his partner to stop making him dinner - and you think the partner was a fool?

Well, I certainly do think people are fools to cook meals and slave after people who don't appreciate it. He obviously isn't fussed that you cook dinner every night (else he'd come home on time and let you know he was running late) so why do you do it?

Just feed yourself and he can cook his own meal when he gets in. And stop doing all his laundry too!

howabout · 09/10/2018 10:23

Bright not approving of the behaviour of either of the boys in question, but merely pointing out my experience of how the people from Mars tend to operate if their DPs start acting like their mother.

Annasgirl · 09/10/2018 10:25

OP if you earn more I take it you start way before 10 a.m. - so you get up early. What time does your DP get up? Why doesn't he do his sport then? So you could spend time together when you are free in the evening.
If you were a man on this thread and earned that much and cooked the dinner everyone here would be telling you how ungrateful your other half was and telling her to shape up and make more effort. But because of socialisation we all expect women to do all of the home work, take all of the mental load and nowadays also earn at least half of the salary.
That's not on.
Your problem is only going to grow unless you change. You need to see what makes you happy.
TBH, since you have no DC and are not married and you are clearly unhappy and resentful and he is not contributing either financially or emotionally or by taking on some of the house work, what are you getting out of this relationship?
I see what he is getting - loads more money, better standard of living, home cooked meal every night, all the cleaning and housework done, free time every morning to lol about, free time to pursue hobbies, able to give out to your DP and make her feel bad when she is reasonably cross that you came home late for dinner without texting (which even my DS aged 11 would not do!!).
What is in it for you?

You mention your mum a lot - was she also the main earner in the family?

Wherearemycarkeys · 09/10/2018 10:26

I think he was really manipulative to bring up his dad to make you feel bad for questioning his behaviour which is in no way related to his dad

Fairenuff · 09/10/2018 10:28

Most days he finishes at 5.30 but then goes to do his sport, twice a week he finishes at 9.30

I would cook on the two days that he finishes late, eat mine when I want and leave his for him to reheat later.

In return I would expect him to cook twice a week for me.

The other 3 days would be what dh and I call 'get your own'.

Regarding the rest of the housework, I would be splitting it roughly 50/50.

That seems pretty fair to me.

After all, if he lived on his own he would have to do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry and somehow fit it all in around his work and hobbies so the fact that he shares a house with you is no reason for him to suddenly expect you to do it all.

And you should not feel the tiniest bit guilty about that. He doesn't obviously.

Ginseng1 · 09/10/2018 10:28

In this situation I'd be sorting myself Doesn't seem like he appreciates what you do at all (maybe he'd rather make himself a sandwich especially at that hour!) & bringing the dad into it is completely manipulating it. Dont feel guilty

whatwillbewillbe03 · 09/10/2018 10:30

So what stops him from cooking dinner one the nights he gets home earlier than 9:30?

Original poster
BrightLightsAndSound · 09/10/2018 10:33

@whatwillbewillbe03
Because he goes to do his sport then so isnt back til 9ish anyway

OP posts:
adaline · 09/10/2018 10:35

But why do you cook for him in the first place?

Itsnotmesothere · 09/10/2018 10:39

YANBU.
Look: he used his dad to make you feel guilty. Grief is a long and complex road but it was two years ago not two months ago.
In my opinion, there is a freedom in leaving the house to go to work and you should not use that freedom to take advantage of the one at home who maybe usually is taking of a child too. He should have let you know.

DH couldn't work out why I was so upset, when on my maternity leave, his work let everyone finish early. He went to gym with colleague and then came home at normal time. He could have helped me with our young baby or at least informed me. He only let me know he had an early finish when he came home.
He only got it when I asked how he'd feel when I went back to work if I did the same thing. Turns out he wasn't keen on my swanning off and doing own thing after work.

Skittlesandbeer · 09/10/2018 10:42

I have a version of your set up going on. I provide 80% of the weekly ‘bacon’, and do 80% of the domestic tasks + mental load.

I suspect I’ve been doing it longer than you, and am a bit further down the road since I woke up to it.

Can I try to convince you, with my head in my hands, to address this soon with clarity and persistence? Sort out the strategy, consultation, paperwork, task lists, a freakin billboard for him if that’s what it takes? Trust me that the feeling that caused you to post about this today is called ‘righteous resentment’. It might feel like just a bit of discomfort and a vague suspicion that you’re being taken for a mug, now, but it builds quickly. You might think that if you’re just a bit nicer, better, worthier, etc that he’ll see the light and give back the care you’ve been pouring into his life because he loves you, right?

He may well love you, but you’re allowing him to build ‘absolute servitude’ into his unconscious (and maybe conscious) reasons for loving you. You’re creating habits for him, but starting to resent him for enjoying them.

PLEASE deal with this before you start to hate him. Or yourself. One of you is currently a caring, responsible human showing love through acts of service 300 times a day (and £300 at a time). One is a man child.

You might think I’m making mountains out of molehills. But you’re correct when you say that a few of us are stuck being 1950’s housewives while also sustaining 2018 jobs/income/added pressures. It’s a tricky time, and we need to re-write the rules.

Womaningreen · 09/10/2018 10:58

woman up
you're making a rod for your own back here

who said you had be two people?!