Feel so guilty - was I really unreasonable?

[BrightLightsAndSound]

So background is I do all the cooking, food shopping and meal planning (as well as laundry and dishwasher etc) for me and DP although we both work. I realise this is something we need to discuss.

Anyway so last night I start cooking at 8. He normally gets home at 9.30. He gets home at 10.30.
I ask him if he ended up having to work late and he said "no X stopped by as i was closing up".

So this pissed me off and i started giving him some attitude. I was like "right".

Dished up the food, left his bowl on the counter, took mine to tue couch and put on the TV and just started eating. Basically being really passive aggressive. He came over and ate, it was awkward silence for 5 minutes and then i was like
"Just find it really disrespectful that you cant find 2 minutes to just text to say you're going to be late. This isnt a fucking restaurant".
He looked hurt and said "I just didnt think coming home 45 min later would be a big deal"
I was like "you realise women arent just here to casually make meals appear before you right? That its actually time consuming and its a privilege not a right".

He said he got it but i was blowing things out of proportion a little.

Then we got chatting more and he said the past month hes been really struggling with memories of his dad (he died 2 years ago).

We went to bed and this morning he was a little cooler than normal with me.

I just feel like a dick. On some level i think i had a point but did i overreact? I also didnt think id be the sort of woman to get pissy with her partner for coming home late and i hate that. I just feel confused about it.

Why are you feeling guilty?

Any issues he's feeling about his Dad have NOTHING to do with his inability to let you know he's running late.

Stop doing everything for him. He's a fully grown human who is capable of pitching in and doing his share.He just chooses not to because you're doing it all.

So how do I stop it? I finish so much earlier it makes sense for me to cook. I think the solution is just to eat when i feel like it and not wait.

I prefer cooking to cleaning. And I live with an elderly relative that hates cooking. I do all of the shopping, and meal planning, and then the shopping. So I do all of the meal planning.

Stop cooking for him every night. Either batch cook together the night(s) before, or simply make your own plans (swim/yoga whatever) and eat when you want. He is a grown man, and can take care of his own food! What does he do he's getting home so late everyday? You need to stop wanting to make his life easier, what's he doing for yours?! Make your OWN life easier first!

Excellent post by Skittlesandbeer

It pees me off a bit when women in this situation are always told 'it's your fault, you created the situation'. I get that we want women to feel they have some control but it feels like victim blaming. How many of us would take advantage so horribly of another person? You couldn't pay me to treat someone that disrespectfully.

I had an ex like this - would suddenly be upset about various of his own issues whenever I bought up something thoughtless or inconsiderate he had done. The dynamic would usually end up with me comforting him and feeling bad for not being more mindful of his emotional pain.

I ended up doing all the emotional labour in that relationship - both comforting him about things AND processing my own hurt at his disrespectful behaviour. It was exhausting and I resented it a lot.

It sounds like you have taken on this role in addition to the practical and financial lions share. There is no way to be happy that way, only to feel knackered, resentful and angry.

I agree with PP - it's time to look at how you can make your own life easier, and consider how you can start taking care of yourself.

Op ywnbu to get annoyed, he should have let you know out of common courtesy.

From now on think about what you are truly happy to do and divide up the tasks accordingly ie,
As you get home earlier, by all means cook dinner, plate his and put it to one side to reheat, you eat and enjoy your evening till he gets home, then you can sit and chat to him with a glass of wine/coffee. This is what l do when my DH comes in late (most of the time)

As he starts late in the mornings, allocate him the laundry and half the housework, l leave the house at 7.30 and every morning l put on or take out and hang a load of washing , empty the dishwasher or clean a bathroom.
He has tons of time to do some tasks! Write a list , let him know AND DON'T STEP IN!

Try not to be passive agressive, just calm and firm ...

It works like this in our house:
DP leaves for work at about 5.00 in the morning. I stay in bed til 8-9 ish.
I shop and cook dinner, and eat at 6. If dp is home, he eats with me. If he's late it gets put in the microwave and he heats it up when he gets home.
I do my washing; he does his washing.
I do most of the cleaning, apart from Saturdays when he scrubs the kitchen.
He does the garden.
I contribute my pensions. He contributes his pay.
That's the way it works

And in my head last night i was like...ive been watching over this food since 8 now, i just want to eat, clear up and get on with my night. The somple solution is just to eat without him which i will do from now on. Just feels a bit sad.

It's not really a solution though if it makes you feel sad. The thing is, you shouldn't have to solve it by yourself. It's trying to solve everything by yourself that gets you into this pickle. You should be able to tell your DH that eating alone makes you sad, that preparing food and just leaving it for him to eat when he feels like make you feel unappreciated. Maybe he should propose some solutions and try to find something that works for both of you?

I also bring in 80% of the household income which is absolutely not an issue on itself but at times like this im like do i have to literally cover ALL bases here? Like i have to have the traditional masculine breadwinner role AND the traditional female role???

Er... you already know the answer to this don't you?

It really sounds as if you are trying to compensate for being the "traditional masculine breadwinner" by also doing the "traditional female role" far better than most of us would bother. I just can't tell whether you are mostly compensating to him, or to yourself.

I just hate how I feel I've somehow slipped into this stereotype of the whining, nagging woman complaining about her man being home late for dinner and its like - how the fuck did that happen?!

People tend to repeat patterns and roles from the past. It's what you're used to. Over-functioning wife thing.

It's worrying for the future of your marriage though. See if you can dredge up a copy of "The Second Shift" by Arlie Hochschild. She's a US sociologist who studied the division of housework (time and responsibility) back in the 1980s among couples who both worked full time. She delved quite deeply into the reasons why paticular divisions arise and into the effects they can have on the long-term success of the marriage.

@LittleMissMarker
Thank you for that recommendation, I'm going to look it up.

I just feel really sad today. Like I've ruined something. Another poster said I was being controlling and now thats made me pause for thought. I hope i wasnt being controlling. I just think if someones making you a meal you can at least show up to eat it, but maybe that IS controlling. I dunno. If he cooked for me I wouldmt dream of not texting though.

It’s not controlling to expect a minimal amount of consideration from the people you are cooking for, regardless or sex, age or relationship.

I wouldn’t turn up to my parents house 45 mins late for dinner without notice, neither would my DH, my D.C. or my friends of either sex.

It’s just basic manners and basic appreciation for the meal.

Another poster said I was being controlling and now thats made me pause for thought. I hope i wasnt being controlling.

It's not the expecting him to come back and eat with you (or at least tell you he'd be late) that's being over-controlling. In a weird way it's the doing too much for him and putting your own life on hold for him that is being over-controlling. Sometimes less is more.

I finish so much earlier it makes sense for me to cook. I think the solution is just to eat when i feel like it and not wait.

That is a possible solution. Another is for you to go out sometimes after work (or after your own dinner) and for him to fend for himself on those nights. Or even - shock! - for him to cook something ready when you get back late from a yoga class (etc) after work, on a night when he has come straight home from work.

I get both sides of the argument OP

• This comment ''do i have to literally cover ALL bases here?'' - is kind of how I feel at times. Exhausting to the max...and can make you feel resentful

However, It would not have killed you to put his dinner in the microwave. ... and if you were so worried, you could have rang him

Having said that, we can all make a big deal of a small thing, at times, none of us are perfect

So why can't he pop the slow cooker on before he leaves for work?

OP you are NOT controlling. You are not saying he's not allowed to go out, you're just saying that he should have let you know he'd be late. That's common courtesy. Most people would do it without even thinking about it.

What does he do in the mornings between you going to work and him going to work? He should be doing his share of chores then. My DH works earlier hours than I do, so I do some chores in the morning before I go out, (laundry this morning) and he does some in the evening before I get home (washing up or vacuuming, perhaps.) When we're both home we share the jobs or do them together so it takes half the time.

I just hate how I feel I've somehow slipped into this stereotype of the whining, nagging woman complaining about her man being home late for dinner and its like - how the fuck did that happen?!

It happened because he acted the stereotype of the inconsiderate man, who didn't bother to call (text) to say he'd be home late.

It's that simple.
It's a common courtesy, that should be extended to anybody. Especially to his partner who is making the effort to cook dinner, and is expecting him home at the usual time.
It's disrespectful to not let you know.

If he had taken 20 seconds to text you, this scenario wouldn't have happened.

You didn't say (or I missed) if he actually apologised to you -- just that he said he didn't think it would be a big deal.

fwiw, I don't think leaving his bowl on the counter was at all childish; you did a mighty fine job of restraining yourself from serving it to him on his head.

I don’t think you’re controlling OP, not sure where that’s come from.

Bringing his dead father into it was disingenuous

YANBU. He either wants to be with you for you or he doesn’t, not because you make his life easier, earn more or do all the cooking. Don’t feel you have to earn his love. He loves you or he doesn’t.

You definitely aren’t controlling.

I couldn't wait till 9.30 for dinner let alone 10.30!! Misses point totally....

I don't think you have done anything wrong. I shout my teenage daughter to come for dinner and it really pisses me off that she saunters down whenever she likes when I have stood making it for ages and it's now gone cold. It's disrespectful and shows no appreciation for the person who cooked for you.

So I would of been annoyed at your dh too. You already have dinner really late to fit round him and his schedule and to not message and let you know he'd be in at half ten is rude when you would be hungry and waiting around for him, just no regard for you.

I'd just make your dinner, have it when its ready and leave his for him. Definitely on the days he's doing sport and not even working late.

*I had an ex like this - would suddenly be upset about various of his own issues whenever I bought up something thoughtless or inconsiderate he had done. The dynamic would usually end up with me comforting him and feeling bad for not being more mindful of his emotional pain.

I ended up doing all the emotional labour in that relationship - both comforting him about things AND processing my own hurt at his disrespectful behaviour. It was exhausting and I resented it a lot*

I identify with the above so much.

Like another poster said, part of the reason you’ve slipped into this nagging wife role is because he put you there. It’s not your fault but you’re the only one that can change, you cannot control how he acts. You can ask, beg, nag but if he’s an arse who takes you for granted and wants to stay that way, he will. You need to start putting yourself first. Acknowledge his behaviour and act accordingly, don’t just expect him to miraculously step up - because he won’t. You do have my sympathy, OP, it’s all just so damn hard

Bringing up his father was such a manipulative move on his part btw. He now 1) doesn’t have to apologise for being a dick and 2) has you feeling like the bad guy. Brilliant. In an evil way.

He leaves at 9.30 and doesn't do anything before he leaves?

I start work at 9.30. Between getting up at 6.45 and leaving at 8.30 I give DS his breakfast, dress him, shower, dress myself, get our things ready, wash up any pots that are to be washed, prep for tea, hoover. And I am not rushed whilst doing any of this.

He sounds like a lazy git who is using the defence of his dad's death to guilt trip you.

sorry out of orderi suffer from depression but i never use my dm's death to get out of an argument its low

just do your own food or do his and eat when you want why u wait i dont know