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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We argue because of neighbour

124 replies

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 08:06

Me and DH moved into our home about 4 years ago. Semi detached against an older gentleman. We have 2 teenagers. And a dog.
Everything was ok. Until about 2 years ago.
Countless letters through the post from the council about DD's music, our T.V too loud, I put the bin out too early. Oh and one letter was because our dog poo'd in our garden (we had a dog flap - we were at work when damn dog did the deed and didn't pick it up til next morning) I rang the council each time, desperate to sort it out as I am such a worrier and a pleaser.
Told DD no more music. We moved T.V so wasn't near him. We eventually rehomed the dog because he was relentless.
DH thinks I'm being to quiet. Thinks that we should be able to live and laugh and have music/T.V etc but I don't want to argue with neighbour. Or worse, keep getting these letters.
Now neighbour has bought some kind of fuel tank that sits on his front drive. DH saying it could explode or something could happen. It's in some kind of trailer type thing. People come a few times a week and fill up from it, and get it filled up.
He is some kind of fisherman. Goes out early about 4am (you can hear him loading his heavy chains in his truck! That's something that does get under my skin. His neighbour questioned him on why he didn't pack his van up the day before at a reasonable time, he said he could do it when he liked. About 5 meters of heavy chain being dumped into the back of a truck at 4am isn't fun listening to!)
Anyways, I'm constantly now arguing with DH because of the neighbour.
He wants to report this new fuel tank thing. Saying it's illegal/dangerous. But is it? And also, is this going to open up another hole between us. I'm happy to keep myself to myself. But yes, admittedly I want to move because of him.
I want to put my T.V up louder than 25 and let the kids have friends round or listen to the radio in the garden. But I don't like the possible outcomes if I do this.
So question - is the fuel tank illegal/dangerous and should we report it?
How quiet are you? Just in general at home?
Am I being silly?
I suffer with BPD too, so sometimes my mind can wonder away with me. Thank you

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 09/10/2018 08:13

Your dh INBU. Why should you tip toe around, rehome a pet and yet your neighbour gets away with doing noisy activities at unreasonable hours.

Unfortunately he realises you won't do anything as you don't want to be seen as reporting 'tit for tat'. However there is no harm in enquiring about the safety aspect of the trailer/tanker. I'm sure with oil tanks for heating they have to be so far from the house etc. I guess it depends on what is in the tank.

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2018 08:13

You are letting him rule your house - nothing he complained about is against normal day to day life

Particularly as he wakes you up early in the morning

It sounds like he could be selling fuel which is definitely illegal

HotSauceCommittee · 09/10/2018 08:13

The neighbour is a bully. He knows you won’t complain about him and that he can have you tiptoeing around.
Put your TV on normally, let your kids have their music on, Hell, get the poor dog back if you can. He just a horrible bastard.
Let your DH stand up to him and complain and show this obnoxious man that your family has had enough and has a right to live a normal life.

Biancadelriosback · 09/10/2018 08:14

I think you're very foolish to live like this and let him take the piss. You've rehomed your dog for pooing in your garden? That's absolutely insane!
Of course you can watch TV and your kids have friends round and listen to music. He can't demand silence! It's all about being reasonable and neither of you are being reasonable. He's not for acting like this and making demands, but neither are you for bowing down to all his commands!

Also, not sure where you live but it took me months to get my council to send out a noise complaint to my neighbour and I needed proof over a couple of weeks.

Report him or don't report him, but start living your lives in your own home!

CanuckBC · 09/10/2018 08:15

He is unreasonable. 4 am pack up with heavy noisy chains but you can’t have reasonable daily life noise! A fuel tank that he sells most likely illegal fuel in his driveway is not on either. I would report all of it.

I would also start living your life again. Let your kids have friends over, have the TV on at a reasonable volume. Listen to music/radio at a reasonable volume. If he starts complaining report him for harassment.

You are allowed reasonable enjoyment of your home.

Singlebutmarried · 09/10/2018 08:16

Start living normally.

Let him send letters.

The council will come and measure noise, they’ll find nothing.

Report the chains at 4am.

Put the bins out when you want.

Get a packet of cress and sprinkle
Fuck you on his lawn and wait.

elessar · 09/10/2018 08:18

YABU and your husband is not.

I can't believe you've let this man dictate your life to this extent when he is clearly an unreasonable arsehole.

why are you worried? What's the worst he can do - is it really worse than having to tiptoe around your own house and not enjoy your own life?

The oil tanker is by the by really, by all means report it but deal with the bigger issues that you have. Start living your life again, and if he complains tell him to get fucked. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

elessar · 09/10/2018 08:19

Put it this way - right now you are making his happiness more important than yours, your husband's or that of your children. How is that right? Is he even civil to you?

CaramelAngel · 09/10/2018 08:20

Why did you rehome the dog? Was he complaining about it barking or something?

greendale17 · 09/10/2018 08:21

I can’t get past the fact that you rehomed your dog because you don’t want to cause a fuss about your neighbour!!!!!

YABVU- I completely agree with your husband. You sound like a total walk over.

Chickencellar · 09/10/2018 08:21

The neighbour has seen you have been a walk over , as he says I can do what I want. Start living normally I'm sure the council will send letters , that's all it will be they won't do anything.
I would report him for loading the van at that time of the morning.

trojanpony · 09/10/2018 08:22

Your husband is right

Live your life.

Send letters about him loading the van at 4am.

MarklahMarklah · 09/10/2018 08:23

What everyone else said. I can't believe you regimes your dog because of the neighbour.
Report him, live your life, and stop letting him dictate what you do in your own home.

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 08:23

You all really need to toughen up and not let this man rule your life. You're all entitled to reasonable enjoyment of your home and that's what you must tell the next council pen pusher that gets in touch with you. Send your husband to bang on his door and tell him that you know what he's up to but won't say anything if he extends you the same courtesy.

BiscuitsAndGravy · 09/10/2018 08:25

I'm gobsmacked that you are living in fear of your neighbour whilst letting him display anti-social behaviour. It's not tit for tat, it's fairness. The tank thing is questionable and you should definitely query the council but the noise at 4 am is bang out of order. If you're not going to do anything about these issues, then the least you can do is start living your own lives normally because "you can do as you please".

CaramelAngel · 09/10/2018 08:26

I think you need to say something to the council about the fuel tank and the chain loading noise. He's taking the piss

Singlebutmarried · 09/10/2018 08:26

Op

Do you have 2 DC or 3?

MrTrebus · 09/10/2018 08:27

Dear God do people actually live like this??
Come on OP grow a pair. But honestly if I were you and to make you all happy I'd move for your own sakes.

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 08:29

Also if you get letters from the council bin them. They can do fuck all.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 09/10/2018 08:29

You do realise that you’re not going to satisfy someone like this? He sounds awful.

Padparadscha · 09/10/2018 08:29

How long ago did you re-home your dog? Did things ‘quiet down’ after that? Are your children ‘normal volume’ usually? Sometimes we get used to house noise, so two teens thumping around becomes white noise, or a dog scrambling around, or the tv being on at a certain volume (above 25 on my tv would be deafening! But brands are different). Just trying to see where it might have started, though his behaviour is very unreasonable. If he’s just spoken to you, perhaps it wouldn’t have escalated.

Shoxfordian · 09/10/2018 08:29

It doesn't sound like you were being so loud that it was unreasonable; you're too conflict avoidant op and you need to stand up for yourself a bit more.

LilMy33 · 09/10/2018 08:31

You are a mug. I mean that in the nicest possible way. This man wrote a letter complaining that a dog pooed in someone else’s garden fgs. And the council actually wrote to you about it Hmm

Get on with living your lives and as long as you don’t take the piss (like your poxy neighbour is) then what’s the problem?

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 08:33

@Padparadscha Never apologise, never explain.

BrokenWing · 09/10/2018 08:35

Are people filling their cars from it? So its probably diesel? Could it be red diesel (cheap diesel, rebated tax for use by non road vehicles only e.g. tractors). Illegal to sell to car owners, or for car owners to use.