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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We argue because of neighbour

124 replies

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 08:06

Me and DH moved into our home about 4 years ago. Semi detached against an older gentleman. We have 2 teenagers. And a dog.
Everything was ok. Until about 2 years ago.
Countless letters through the post from the council about DD's music, our T.V too loud, I put the bin out too early. Oh and one letter was because our dog poo'd in our garden (we had a dog flap - we were at work when damn dog did the deed and didn't pick it up til next morning) I rang the council each time, desperate to sort it out as I am such a worrier and a pleaser.
Told DD no more music. We moved T.V so wasn't near him. We eventually rehomed the dog because he was relentless.
DH thinks I'm being to quiet. Thinks that we should be able to live and laugh and have music/T.V etc but I don't want to argue with neighbour. Or worse, keep getting these letters.
Now neighbour has bought some kind of fuel tank that sits on his front drive. DH saying it could explode or something could happen. It's in some kind of trailer type thing. People come a few times a week and fill up from it, and get it filled up.
He is some kind of fisherman. Goes out early about 4am (you can hear him loading his heavy chains in his truck! That's something that does get under my skin. His neighbour questioned him on why he didn't pack his van up the day before at a reasonable time, he said he could do it when he liked. About 5 meters of heavy chain being dumped into the back of a truck at 4am isn't fun listening to!)
Anyways, I'm constantly now arguing with DH because of the neighbour.
He wants to report this new fuel tank thing. Saying it's illegal/dangerous. But is it? And also, is this going to open up another hole between us. I'm happy to keep myself to myself. But yes, admittedly I want to move because of him.
I want to put my T.V up louder than 25 and let the kids have friends round or listen to the radio in the garden. But I don't like the possible outcomes if I do this.
So question - is the fuel tank illegal/dangerous and should we report it?
How quiet are you? Just in general at home?
Am I being silly?
I suffer with BPD too, so sometimes my mind can wonder away with me. Thank you

OP posts:

Jitters22 · 09/10/2018 09:14

No one here is a keyboard warrior - they are just giving you the same advice as they would give anyone else - based on what you have written.

You have completely caved in to this man, didn't even sit in your own garden once during a long hot summer. Got rid of your dog, told your kids to stop playing their music and now arguing with your husband.

What exactly do you want people to say to you, based upon what you have told us here? That you are right and your husband is wrong. That you are right to cowtow to a bully neighbour?

It's not MNetters that 'brings out the worse in you', I can assure you of that.

Padparadscha · 09/10/2018 09:14

The complaints about the dog stopped when the dog left.

Well yes, I don’t suppose that even your rude neighbour would moan about an non-existent dog. That wasn’t really my question though. I asked how long ago did you rehome the dog and if the complaints have leased over that period.

I also note you said ‘complaints’ about the dog in the plural. So was it more than just the poo incident?

Padparadscha · 09/10/2018 09:16

*lessened not leased

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2018 09:16

I think the dog is probably better off. It was clearly on its own too long anyway.

You can cut the overhanging tree branches off - you just need to return them to their owner!

Report the fuel. Live your lives.

Crazybunnylady123 · 09/10/2018 09:18

I wouldn’t rehome my pet mice for a neighbour let alone a dog.
Pets are family. You should move somewhere nicer and start again with your dog. Unless your dog is happier now. Life is too short to be miserable.

shirleyschmidt · 09/10/2018 09:23

Can you move house? He sounds a nightmare and the fact you actually re-homed your dog shows you're probably not up to what will be a constant battle against an awkward old misanthropist with plenty of time on their hands. Moving isn't a simple solution but it's probably 6 months of hassle and you're out of your misery!

adaline · 09/10/2018 09:23

And please don't get your dog back. You don't deserve her.

ree348 · 09/10/2018 09:33

Your husband is right, stop being a people pleaser and do the right thing for your family's happiness instead.

He is being very unreasonable and I wouldn't be happy about a fuel tank being outside my house especially when I have children.

Let your husband report him and if he starts to complain about your day to day 'noises' tell him your family 'will do whatever they want'.

Life is too short, your family's happiness is what matters here and to rehouse a dog just to keep your neighbour happy is a drastic way to get his approval / make him happy.

PawsomePugFancier · 09/10/2018 09:44

OP, I think you can behave as nervously as you want but that you can't stop your DH from behaving differently. If I was you (I'm people pleaser-y as well) I would just let your DH handle him. It is quite likely he will be less of a bully towards a bloke anyway. I can see that it would cause arguments if DH feels you are giving in to everything this neighbour says but are simultaneously stopping him from doing anything - it is like you are prioritising your neighbour over him. That's something you can change. Good luck.

Gersemi · 09/10/2018 09:46

Talk to the other neighbour who complained about the chains and put in a joint complaint to the council. Also contact their environmental health department to ask about the fuel tank and the trees.

Gingerrogered · 09/10/2018 09:50

You know, you admit yourself the dog was relentless and you think 25 on the TV is a low volume and the noise was bad enough for the council to get involved. That does make it sound like you’ve been incredibly loud for quite a long time. I think you are being given very poor advice here because if you go back to what you did before you’re going to be risking an ASBO or worse. I also think you’ve made a rod for your own back. In this situation he probably isn’t going to give a damn about bothering you.

By all means report the fuel tank as it is possibly a danger to you (although it sounds like it could be a water stand pipe). If the chains thing happens every day then complain, but if it’s occasional they probably won’t do anything. Also be prepared for the council to not take you seriously and look at it as tit for tat spite. And it sounds like in the case of your DH it could be and they’re indulging in a bit of willy waving at each other.

You might well find if you apologise and mean it sincerely, recognise you caused problems and try to build bridges it will probably work much better than descending into a tit for tat spiral.

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 09:58

You might well find if you apologise and mean it sincerely, recognise you caused problems and try to build bridges it will probably work much better than descending into a tit for tat spiral why should she apologise? Never appease.

PrivateDoor · 09/10/2018 09:58

I suspect the dog was the cause of all this and now I have a lot of sympathy for your neighbour. Obviously he was stuck listening to this poor dog come in and out of the house for 12 hours a day and no doubt the dog was barking and distressed at times and probably hungry too I have never heard of anyone leaving a dog for such a long time, the poor thing You say the dog was jumping into his garden and obviously going to the toilet wherever it wanted. Argh I would be contacting the council too!!!! I would say it has annoyed him so much, everything about you annoys him now which I can completely understand, hence the other complaints.

Your op was extremely misleading!

Also please please please don't ever get a dog again, you clearly don't know how to be a responsible owner unfortunately

I am breathing a huge sigh of relief that I don't live next door to you. Noisy chains at 0400 I could cope with - poor neglected dog, I definitely couldn't.

PrivateDoor · 09/10/2018 10:00

Crazybunny, did you read the part about the dog being left alone every day for 12 hours, with no one even popping in to let her out??

TheSteakBakeOfAwesome · 09/10/2018 10:03

He sounds like our neighbour. Nothing we did was ever enough and as fast as we'd try to reduce one thing he was twisting about he'd find another (and they were ridiculous things like wanting no building work done till noon Monday-Friday too). Because we're basically nice considerate people at heart we bent over backwards to be "good neighbours" and not make any noise, kept the kids in every weekend morning, parked around the corner etc... and he just kept on complaining about everything - while at the same time he'd just ride roughshod over any consideration for us - loud garden parties till gone midnight every single weekend from April till about end September - so loud we had to move the kids' bedroom into the master bedroom and cram into the box room so the kids actually got some sleep.

He pushed it too far recently - the 2am renditions of God Save the Queen on a vuvuzela had my nerves shot anyway, followed up the following weekend by his garden party singing/slurring Oooh Eeee Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep full blast practically under my bedroom window at 1.30 on a Saturday morning. That broke me basically (the choice of song being the final insult) and then when his builders did some damage to the front of my property a couple of days later and he strutted about with his "I'm doing this to MY house deal with it darlin' " attitude he had - I went ballistic (in a very impressively understated way) and told him he WAS going to get the damage to my house repaired, he was going to do it by the end of the month or I was going down the legal route as he had no right to be fiddling with any structures attached to my property.

He went white - and it felt so bloody good to be finally standing my ground and not worrying about annoying him. I think that final party had just clearly brought home that, whatever we did to appease him, he was never going to be happy that people actually lived next door and he was never going to moderate his behaviour or noise levels at all.

Me and DH have argued a lot about him over the years as well.

MissConductUS · 09/10/2018 11:10

He's committing tax fraud by buying home heating oil and reselling it as diesel fuel without paying the required motor use tax. They're exactly the same product. Get some pictures and videos of him selling out of the tank and report it using the fraud line that PP linked to. He'll get heavily fined and they'll probably make him remove the tank too.

Sorry you have such an arse for a NDN.

Sparklesocks · 09/10/2018 11:31

You need to live your lives. If he complains the council may send someone to check noise, but if you aren’t playing loud music at all hours or having the TV up full there won’t be anything to find. The gov defines statuary nuisance noise as doing the following:

-unreasonably and substantially interfere with the use or enjoyment of a home or other premises
-injure health or be likely to injure health

But the fact is no household is utterly silent. Unless you live in a detached house we will occasionally hear next door’s telly or their hoover etc. It’s just the fact of living in close proximity to others.
So as long as you’re only creating reasonable noise you have nothing to worry about. Let him complain to the council and let him prove it. But don’t allow your lives to be impacted by the fear of him.

SalemBlackCat4 · 09/10/2018 11:48

No, something doesn't add up. You say you have teens at home. If they're at school, can't they let the dog after after they are let out of school? No need for the dog to be alone for 12 hours, unless your teens don't actually live at home. And nothing you have said justifies re-homing based on a neighbour complaining. Sorry.

SalemBlackCat4 · 09/10/2018 11:54

Wow, so she runs away because she didn't like the responses she got. OP, you posted in 'am I being on reasonable', you asked us, and many of us think you are. If you cannot handle opinions, don't ask for them. This is another:- OP: "am I being unreasonable for ...... ?" Posters: "yes, you are". OP: "No I'm not because ......... and you are all mean and I am not coming back!!!!!"

RitaMills · 09/10/2018 12:02

Wow, he must think he’s fucking god with the power he has over you, actually getting you to rehome your dog?! I’m not against rehoming if it is genuinely needed but fuck me no neighbour complaining would make me do that. What an absolute push over, you need to women up and fight back.

Clandestino · 09/10/2018 12:05

@OohShhh - maybe instead of being passive aggressive on MN you should grow some backbone in real life and deal with your neighbour.
Otherwise just let your DH deal with him. And learn how to deal with real life issues instead of trying to please everybody only to be aggressively defensive on the internet.

TemptressofWaikiki · 09/10/2018 12:05

You rehomed your dog?!!! Please grow a spine!

Gingerrogered · 09/10/2018 12:20

why should she apologise? Never appease.

Because she badly neglected her dog to the point where it was a nuisance to him. Made a shedload of noise and didn’t maintain her side of the trees, let her dog loose at the fence then tried to blame it on him and screw the cash out of him to fix it.

It all just sounds incredibly Jeremy Kyle.

I think there’s some puppetry of the socks going on here too....

Gingerrogered · 09/10/2018 12:22

You rehomed your dog?!!! Please grow a spine!

She neglected her dog, left it on it’s own loose all day so it was escaping into his garden. The one decent sensible thing the OP’s done is rehome her dog.

BeautifulBlue · 09/10/2018 12:31

*I can’t get past the fact that you rehomed your dog because you don’t want to cause a fuss about your neighbour!!!!!

YABVU- I completely agree with your husband. You sound like a total walk over.*

^ this. You might think that lying down & dying every time someone makes a complaint about you makes you sweet, innocent & non confrontational. I personally think it makes you look weak & a bit pathetic tbh. YOU REHOMED YOUR DOG. Get a grip OP & a back bone.

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